Rihanna - Fading (Away) Lyrics

Can't you see that you're fading away?

Ohwell.

Plain White T's - Hate (I Really Don't LIke You)

yayayay Plain White T's kick.

Whatever.

I can see it now.

You're so awesome. Not. Too bad I know you don't care. But I honestly can't feel sad right now. If you're truly happier without me around. Alright. I can let you go. Thing is we were friends first before anything. You didn't even say Merry Christmas. Adam HATES me and he still took the time to do it. So yeah, you're so awesome.

Ohwell. Take your time. The New Year's coming though. Hopefully you'll decide you'd like to be in it with me. Ah well.

Ohhai how are you?

Ohhai guys [:
I realized this blog started to defeat it's purpose. It kinda turned into how much I loved someone. Totally not what this is about. At all. SOOO I'm gonna give a little update [:

You all know that I moved out to Los Angeles, California. It's been so much fun. I've met so many wonderful people, that I am so thankful to have in my life. No high school life is complete without drama, which I've found my fair share of, but it just means it's time to grow up. Start making a dult decisions. It's terrifying, but everyone has to do it sometime. I've just chosen to do it now.

I started applying to colleges. Talk about stressful and nervewracking! Not only do I have my applications, but I have to audition for each of my programs too! Oy Vey! BUT The list of schools I am applying to are:

1. New York University- Tisch School of The Arts
2. University of California Los Angeles
3. University of Southern California
4. Columbia College-Chicago
5. Carnegie Mellon
6. PACE
7. Juilliard
8. CSU-Fullerton
9. Okalhoma City University
10. University of Santa Barbra
11. Rutgers University
12. Pointe Park
13. Emerson
14. Roosevelt
15. CAL ARTS
16. Boston University
17. University of The Arts
18. Chapman
19. DePaul

..... Yes I know I have 19 schools!! AH! hahah.... But so worth it. I just want to get into a good school with a really good acting department. I KNOW I'll get in. Right now my number one school is NYU.. which is funny since I JUST moved to California...but there's just something about New York. PLUS It's on the East Coast. I kinda miss it over there. And after I graduate, I know I'll be back.

I'm on Winter Break right now, and I couldn't be happier. I got to go home for 2 weeks and it's just the greatest feeling ever. I missed everyone here. AND I'm not talking to Adam or Garrett, so it's kinda nice to be able to step back and think about things. OR not think about things. I have free range to do whatever I want. I think it'll be good for everyone. ANd well, really whatever happens, happens. It's life. I know this. See? Adult Decision [:

My family and friends are the best too! My baby cousins are THE MOST beautiful babies I have ever seen. I've just really missed everyone. My FRIENDS also kick ass because they help with the whole "not thinking while on break" thing. I seriously kinda don't want to go back. BUT I know I'd start missing L.A. about as much as I was missing Cincinnati.

A lot of blasts from my past are coming up too..it's crazy. My first boyfriend called me and he wants to have dinner. It's the craziest thing, but you know? I just might do it. It's been 4 years since we've beena ble to actually sit down and talk. It'd be cool to see what he's up to. He's a Junior in college, so yeah, I'm sure he has some crazy stories to tell.

I'll end this here with saying.... I cannot wait for christmas. I'm hoping for a miracle. I'm not exactly sure what for, I just know that I want one. I feel it. Especially last night on the Winter Solstice. It was paired with a Lunar Eclipse so there was so much "Magic" in the air. I wished for a sign. A sign for what direction to go in. I know what it's about... I just hope the answer comes.


THEN comes the New Year. 2011! I will graduate June 20th... but with a New Year, comes a New Me. I have so many things planned for this next year, and so many improvements on myself I plan to make. I'm ending 2010 and letting all this nonsense fall away. I'm starting my New Year with the best game plan ever. If people don't make it into my New Year with me..Well..?.that's not my fault. Take me or Leave me basically. Either way Imma do me. I will continue to love and believe in it, as well as other things. BUT I'm just not going to lay down and take shit from people.
Honesty is going to play a huge part this year. All I ask for from people is to be straight up.

I'll end my update here and probably do another after christmas....

I wish all of you a VERY Happy Holidays. I hope you get everything you wished/hoped for and more. ALSO Have a Safe Fantastic Fun NEW YEARS!!

I love you. I'll be seeing you. [:

*Remember*
" Some things fall apart, so that better things can fall together" [:

Amy

Rihanna - Only Girl (In The World)

Let's forget about the world
Cause it's only me and you tonight <3

Marianas Trench - Beside You

I love my wifey hhaha she is all I need [:

Relient K - The Best Thing - Acoustic

Beautiful. My goodness I'm in love with this boy ahaa.

"Cause when you looked into my eyes
And dared to stare right back
You should have said
"Nice to meet you, I'm your other half" Love love.

RELIENT K I So Hate Consequences Acoustic - Live At Studio A

"I had no idea where my head was at, but if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that? Cause I just want for all of this to end" Goodness. haha. On point.

blink 182 going away to college lyrics

"Why does it feel the same
To fall in love or break it off
And if young love is just a game
Then I must have missed the kick off
Don't depend on me to ever follow through on anything
But I'd go through hell for you and

I haven't been this scared in a long time
And I'm so unprepared so here's your valentine
Bouquet of clumsy words, a simple melody
This world's an ugly place, but you're so beautiful to me" Love love this song [:

Noted.

Sara Bareilles - Red

How you love is who you are.

Yes please

Dear Santa,




Love,
Me [:

The Fray - Look After You

If someone was to sing maybe just atleast the chorus or play it and say “yeah I think of you” I would probably cry and fall so in love. <3

Michael Buble Moondance HD

On my list of things to do before I die

Dance to this song under the stars and moon [:

Coldplay - Christmas Lights

Love.

I am such a loser....

I kinda, just sometime in life, want to be looked at by your eyes and have them say "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and the only girl I could ever want in the whole world. Forever".... yeah, I need to quit reading Nicholas Sparks haha


*** And I don't have a specific 'YOU' in mind, just in general. Just so I don't make things awkward...

All I want

Sometimes I find it okay to let fantasy get the best of me.

Hmmm....

I feel a little bad. Like I've been blaming you for something that's not your fault, or just I dunno. Like I've been distant and kind of a bitch. So. I'm sorry.

It all seems a bit

Pointless.

No words are coming now,

Trapped behind closed lips.

I try to get them out, but

I just don't know how.



Air is stuck inside my,

caved in lungs, you,

Want to run and hide?

You're not the only one.




Take a breath and go under.

Count to a hundred and stay down.

Cause we're drowing now,

flailing limbs look for saftey somehow.



Flashing lights signal help,

But everyone's eyes are closed.

Blaring sirens signal help,

But everyone's ears are closed.




Oh don't hear me calling?

Guess the water tunes me out.

Where are you when I need you to listen?

The flares have gone around me,You're nowhere to be seen.



Have you fallen under to the deep?

Try to search for you hand,But the cold has made me weak.

Unclasp, let me go, but it's no heroic feat.

Jack and Rose did better than we.






Take a breath and go under.

Count to a hundred and stay down.

Cause we're drowing now,

flailing limbs look for saftey somehow.



Flashing lights signal help,

But everyone's eyes are closed.

Blaring sirens signal help,

But everyone's ears are closed.



So I'll slip down beside you,

No one will ever know.

Because my words get lost in translation.

Blame it on my lack of communication.



Silence is all I can hear now.

Hell, I don't really mind.

You were always my favorite sound.

Better than words that are unkind.








Take a breath and go under.

Count to a hundred and stay down.

Cause we're drowing now,

flailing limbs look for saftey somehow.



Flashing lights signal help,

But everyone's eyes are closed.

Blaring sirens signal help,

But everyone's ears are closed.

Take a breath and go under
Count to a hundred and stay down,

Cause we're drowning now.

Promises are just misses

Promises can break, but it is true it's the memories that break us... I feel like a promise has been broken. I can't point it out though. All I know is I suddenly feel very strange, that I'm really just another number. Another girl you can make promises to with no intention of keeping them. Maybe it's just the way the night turned out, but I don't know. I'm having trouble BeLIEving the things you say. Well at least in these conditions. I feel like, you feel obligated to tell me these things and that if you do tell me it'll make up for something else.

This is getting serious. I want to run from it. Yeah Imma runner, the one thing I can't stand. However, I'm going to face this, this time. These are my thoughts. Don't break a promise. Or atleast tell me before you do.

I Will Be - Avril Lavigne

Okau yes, Its Avril...but the lyrics are pretty grand and how I feel about things so...I posted it...suck it hahah

Meiko - Reasons To Love You

"Give me a reason to love you..



"Take my hand and lets dance
Give me a reason to make me smile
Cause I think I forgot how"

It's pretty odd.

I haven't much to say right now, just a little thing I want to put out...

It's a really strange sensation.
The sensation of feeling your heartbreak.

I haven't felt this since I was like 13. :/

Well fine, if you don't want to see all the things you've caused me.
And you Sure as hell won't show me what I've caused you then I'll stop.

I don't want my heart to break for you.
You could care less about me now.

********************************************

I need a stronghold.
Someone to keep me together on days like this.

God this hurts.

6 Months by Hey Monday

Imma do a cover of this. just saying. It's very cute.



"I can't think of anyone else I hate to miss, as much as I hate missing you"

formspring.me

so whatcha' want? http://formspring.me/childhoodreamer

Take me back to here, things needed to be done.

I want to be this old again. Where the only thing that mattered was if I wanted mac N' cheese with my hotdogs, or which crayon was the perfect blue for my sky.

When did things get complicated?

Was it once I let feelings get in the way?
When I turned thirteen and deemed myself no longer a child?
When I figured out what it meant to love? to cry? to hurt? to forgive?

Now I've got myself wrapped up in my future.

People asking,

Where are applying?
What do you want to do with your life?
Are you guys even really in love?
Why do you even try?
Do you know you hurt Adam, by loving that other boy, when he's probably lying to you?
What are you going to do once you're in different parts of the country?

Here's an answer for you all....

I haven't a freakin' clue.

I can give you my application list, I can tell you my hopes for the future...but then you bring in my personal life and I want to just scream.

I can't tell you if we're REALLY in love, all I know is what I feel, and I believe in what I feel.
I know I hurt him, but I'm not right for him anyway. I'm complicated to be with, I don't make any sense to anybody.

As for do I feel bad for hurting him? OF course I do.

As to why I keep around for a guy 4,000 miles away? I can't answer you!!! I just can't. It's not something I can explain. One day you'll have something like this and you won't be able to answer it either.

As to if he's lying to me? I'm so sick of this question, again...he is 4,000 miles away. He can't be with me physically...so I really doubt he would still be around if he was lying. That just seems like a waste of time and a really cruel joke.

If you want to know why he sticks around, ask him.
*************************************************************************************

I just want to get away, I'm tired of dealing with all of this. I'm shutting off my emotions. I won't feel anything. Who are we kidding?

The end.

Things I miss.....

You guys feel like home, out here I'm alone. :(



My bestest freennn... I just want to go back to that summer.



Sunset somewhere in the middle of the ocean, We might've reached Mexico by now. Where ever we are, it's beautiful and I want to go back, I want to relive the magic it held.

I Wanna Hold You -McFly

Eeeepppp!! McFly... Ohboy do I enjoy them! :D

She is love :]

Okay now THIS is the last video. I want to do a cover over it, only change She to He. Thoughts?

Someday I'll tell you the truth :)

Last Video I promise haha Nevershoutnever- I love you 5 :) haha

Hellogoodbye - Oh, It Is Love (original)

I am on a Hellogoodbye kick yes, and yes it's all related to love... but lets be honest, wouldn't you rather see something posted about love than stupid fears? yeah I agree :) so enjoy love.

Baby it's fact :]

I was gonna write something..but the song says it all.. yup being in a better mood is great :)

Who I am, Hates who I've been

"I'm keepin an eye on the world, but I'm turning my back on what I've become"

I'm doing exactly what I said I didn't want to do and it's really making me upset. Why? because I'm doing it to myself, I can't stand it.

So this will be brief, I'm sorry I never make any sense and confuse you all the time. That isn't what I want to do, I'm making things alot harder than they need to be. I'm sorry. I'm going to stop thinking with my head now and just listen to my heart. It's not as stupid and it's usually right.

So fine, usually what you read here confuses you because either 1. I'm confused or 2. I really don't want you to know so I purposefully make it confusing. Like The Da Vinci Code or some shit. I know you tell me I can tell you anything, but what I have that makes me not normal in my mind tells me otherwise. I can trust you and I should be able to communicate with you, about anything and everything. However I panic, I get scared and I just don't ever tell you. I leave you to try to decipher whatever the hell it was I'd just written. Again I'm sorry.

Bottom Line:
I'm listening to my heart not my head.
I'm sorry I confuse you intentionally and unintentionally.
It's never anything to do with you, it's always me.
I panic when I think about telling you things because I get scared.
I understand if I fucked things up with all of these stupid words.

The end. That's basically everything, simplified. I'm done talking for awhile now because I annoy myself. Cool.

Open my eyes to see

So I've had some pretty stupid moments lately. I'll admit that it's true. I'm not proud of it at all, that kind of behavior is terrible. If I think negative, negative will come about. So for me to think that I'm losing you and that you're gonna go away soon is the worst thing to do. 1. Because according to your message today I've gathered it's not true and 2. If I keep thinking it'll happen chances are it will and that would suck, because it would be all my fault. Sheesh.
I really don't want to scare you off with all of this either though, so if you'd like to stop reading I understand. (aka stop reading haha)

By no means do I expect forever from you. That's alot to ask for, and I would never ask you for anything like that. I can hope and wish for it all I want, because that way you wouldn't have a clue, I would never directly say 'em to you. But...yeah, I don't expect it from you. I know things happen, people change, people grow. However, I'll be more than happy to stay as long as you would like me too, and I hope you know you're welcome to stay as long as you choose as well.

This is why I want you to stop reading. I feel like this will be one of THOSE posts, the ones that make me feel really ridiculous and like an idiot for everything I'm going to say. hahaha...but I suppose since I most likely would never tell you these things directly, you can continue and find out indirectly...ohboy I'm an odd one.

Basically I want to say I'm sorry for the way I've been lately, the whole stupid insecure little girl.. I don't know why I'm being such a little bitch and annoying. I don't want to be THAT girl, because frankly I don't have the right to be THAT girl. Blegh. I guess I just still find it so strange that through it all you managed to like me, and now you love me... I mean I know I've said it before, but for cereal it blows my mind. I'm not sure exactly why, how or when you decided or when this all fell into place but I wouldn't change it.

I've decided to now stop all this nonsense and let whatever is suppposed to happen happen. Forget about forever and whatever because none of it is guaranteed, even if words say otherwise. Inserting a quote here " The key to any lasting relationship: Knowing when to be close and knowing when to give room."

So I think it's one of those moments when it's time to give room, which probably sounds really stupid in itself, but maybe it'll be better. So yeah. This way I stop sounding like a crazy ridiculous girl and more normal and chill. The awesome me. I really hope you haven't gotten this far in reading this. I'd appreciate it if you didn't. Anyways I'm done now.

Ames.

P.S, I still say ew I disgust myself. The end.

A perfectly good heart

This has been on repeat over and over and over on my I-pod and in my head. I tell myself it's just a song, but I can't help but wonder if there's a deeper meaning. Some reason it plays everytime I turn on music... I think too much. It hurts.



"Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?
Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart,now?
Why would you wanna make the very first scar?
Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?

Maybe I should've seen the signs, should've read the writing on the wall.
And realized by the distance in your eyes that I would be the one to fall.
No matter what you say, I still can't believe
That you would walk away.
It don't make sense to me, but:

[Repeat Chorus 1:]
Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?
Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart, now?
Why would you wanna make the very first scar?
Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?

It's not unbroken anymore.
How do I get it back the way it was before?

[Chorus 2:]
Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?
Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart,now?
Why would you wanna make the very first scar?
Why would you wanna break, would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?

[Repeat Chorus 1:]
Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?
Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart, now?
Why would you wanna make the very first scar?
Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?"

Okay enough music for me for awhile.

Ew, I disgust myself for this.. How and Why do people put up with me sheesh. haha. but I'm serious. Ew.

Realizations

Lyric of the day:
"I feel a separation coming on,
Cause I know you want to be moving on..
But I have something left to say..
Don't surrender, surrender, surrender.
Please Remember."

Here are some things I've come to realize and accept about myself.

* I think too much.
* I care too much.
* I worry WAY WAY WAY too much.
* I am not the typical girl.
* It takes a lot to win my heart if that's what you're after.
* I'm SUPER weird.
* OH! and SUPER awkward.
* I do not have a sexy bone in my body, so don't ask me to be sexy hahah
* I have a strong will power.
* I really do deserve all that I want.
* I may not be your right NOW, but I very well could be your right.
* The sun rises every morning, so nothing lasts forever,not even night.
* Which I'm okay with because that means you have a chance to do it all over again.
* I'm not perfect, I don't want to be.
* I am insecure.
* I like to escape.
* I have fears.
* I have doubts.

HOWEVER....

*I have hopes.
*I have dreams.
* I am considerate.
* I put others before myself.
* I will do anything for people I love.
* I AM BEAUTIFUL inside and out, you've just got to be willing to look for it.
* I will be worth your time.
* I believe everything happens for a reason.
* I have a heart, it does feel, don't hurt it.
* I am really good at guessing when something bad is going to happen.
* I have that feeling right now.
* I am loved.
* I love.
* I am a lot of fun.
* I laugh.
* I cry.
* I smile.
* I frown.
* Kisses on the nose/forehead are my favorite ever.
* I love cuddling.
* I am a blessed person.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&#############################**************************************

* I really am worth it, if you can get through the mess to find me. I promise.

I've come to realize that I AM HUMAN!!! I'm allowed to feel and think and care and worry and cry and whatever I want. This is what I am. Embrace it. I have. I may not be the best, or make people happy all the time but I deserve happiness and love and truth and trust and honesty. Really that is ALL I ask for. Please be kind to give it to me.

Ames.

Take these words

Endless possibilities of ending probability
It's a odds stacked up kind of game
Yet I keep rolling as if I've got anything to gain
I want to know where I can find stability
The rocking and knocking feels like pain.

So I sit and I wait for the storm to hit
I feel it in the air
Static.
Electric.
Impending.
Trapped under the purple cloud of make-believe.

I'm stuck in a time
In a time.
In a time.
In a time.
Reach me to see me.

Say your words and I'll sing a melody.
Tell the truth and I realize I fell for the twisted symphony.
You don't see what you're doin' to me
And I play along like it's supposed to be

I'm stuck on all the endless possibilities
I'm stuck waiting for this ending probability,
Questions race my mind now.
I'll never ask the why and how.
No matter how bad I'd like to know.

So here I am.
Going round and round.
There you go
Without a sound.
But here.
Take these words.



****************************************************************************************************************************

Free write. Inspiration hit. I'm real tired of thinking. I do it way too much. I apologize. Just when I have thoughts or question of whatever. I write. This doesn't even make sense. But it does to me. So I guess that's all that matters.

Keep it shut.

This will be short and sweet..just a vent. Nothing to interesting.


Keep it shut. As in keep your mouth shut. Who are you to tell me what I'm doing is wrong? That I'm stuck in some fantasy that I need to get out of because it's "unhealthy"? You say you're only commenting as an outsider, and the thing is THAT'S BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE.... AN OUTSIDER!!! You don't know the whole story. Hell you don't even know half of it.

So don't try to tell me I'm stupid and ridiculous and missing out on something that could be really good for me. You don't know what the fuck I need. So just keep it shut. Thanks.

I'm on the up and up....

I'm talking to you now, and basically I've come to realize I'm super silly... And I love you and you love me and it's the most wonderfullest thing in the whole world. Soooo Thanks :)


The End.


P.S. You don't look like a tard.... you're the sexiest boy everrrsss hahaha

We're fated to pretend

I want to go hide again. Start pretending. Do the things I'm good at. Honestly I don't like how I'm feeling. I hate how you make me feel. That's a lie. I love it. Then again I wish I didn't. I feel like It's too much sometimes. Not even from you. From me. I mean shit look at me, I write about it constantly. I sound like some little girl who's got a crush on her best friend's older brother. I just need to shut up and be silent. Keep this all to myself. Hide inside of myself. Pretend. La dee da. Wouldn't that be nice? Ohboyohboyohboy. I certainly think so. I can play this all aloof and no one will know the difference. If you don't know then you don't know. I won't have to feel ridiculous thinking and "talking" about how much I love you. If you don't know then you don't know. See then I can hide.



Ugh, seriously. Am I really doing this right now? I'm talking about how I'm not going to talk to you about certain things. I need to shut up. I suck. Basically. Am I being mean to myself? Of course I am. I'm allowed.


I won't ever be perfect.
I won't ever be the best.
I won't ever be the most popular. (not that I want to be)
I won't ever be the most beautiful/
I won't ever be enough.
I won't ever be....


And you know I'm okay with that. I may not be all of these things to myself... but someone, someday will see these things and think of me. They'll feel on top of the world knowing that my smile is only for them and that I'm the one they'll be coming home to everyday. That'll be the day. A happy day forsure. I think? Ohboy. hahaha. Laughter.

Wait...Actually that's a terrifying thought. Who thinks about that?? This person does I guess, but like.. isn't that scary? Who enjoys saying "Yup I get to go home to my boy today yeee!" OR "Yup I get to home to see my beautiful girl today, best part of my day".......
Oh.
Wait.
I .
probably.
would....


Merp. My grandparents do actually. It's the sweetest thing in the whole world. But they've had years and years of practice. I'm just trying to make in past all of this. But what is this?
Goodness why am I not really high while writing this?? It would make so much more sense. But no. I have to just be super tired and super pathetic.


I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish this all made sense. None of it does. I could ask "Why?" but that'd be stupid. Sometimes NOT knowing is better than knowing. I think my soul is too old for me. I think about things no normal 17 year should be. Yet alas, here I am. Grrrr. It really frustrates me.

Seemingly so wrong. Yet never felt more right. Urghg. How is that possible?


I guess I've just got to take it with a grain of salt though.

Nothing lasts forever.

I should cherish the hopeful one I've got, yeah? yeah. Okay.

So here I go. I'll keep things to myself, and go on thinking nothing of it. It'll make things easier trust me.
Not that it matters, there's no point in knowing. I don't understand. You're right. and I never will. and that just may be okay by me.


So hey.... We're fated to pretend, yeah?

No Day But Today

I found that picture pretty great. It should've gone to a different blog probably though, but meh oh well I'd like to share it. SO there it is haha.




This picture says "She needs you..."

Today a friend of mine had a little sister pass due to a terrible car accident. This put a lot of things into perspective for me. Life is way to short. Life is too short to fight over petty things, to lie and cheat and make it terrible for yourself. We're never promised tomorrow so you must make the most of today.

Needless to say if you're mad at me, I'm sorry. You want to know my honest thoughts....If you have to question whether or not you want to drink... Don't do it. I can't tell you that though, because I don't want to be annoying and seem really stupid. Truth is I just care. My grandpa drank constantly and honestly things didn't go so well... Not something I'm willing to share, but all the same. However at the end of the day, everything you do is your decision. I don't have much say because it's not my place. If you ask then i'll tell you. For now That's all I have to say about it.

Going back to the first part... Can you imagine having someone you love completely taken away from you? You can only hope that you were able to say everything and do everything you possibly could to let the them know just how much they mean to you. Again we're not promised tomorrow, so make each day the best that you can. Tell them I love you every single day. Even if you're upset, still let them know how you feel. I don't do this, and I really need to start. I need to be more aware and thankful for all that I have in my life. So starting right now I will be. I hate the fact it's taken something like this to make me see it though
********************************************************************************************************************************
Life is a interesting thing. Adam is trying to prove to me that he can be good to and for me. Thing is I don't have those "woo butterflies" not consistently at least. I want to be his friend. We tried to establish a relationship and a friendship at the same time. Boys are just a bunch of crazy. They tell you what you want to hear, and we believe them like it's the truest thing ever in the world. Just to have a little truth would be nice, but honest original truth.

Is it possible that guys just don't know or are afraid to express what they really want to say? Are they afraid that it'll break a heart? Or are they afraid that they'll be made fun of it any of their "boys" find out? Just once I'd like to know what's on their minds. When they want to tell a girl they love them or how much they like them or just anything. I wish there could be a boys must speak their mind day. That would be pretty cool.If they're upset they gotta talk about it or whatever. Blergh. However I'm jealous they can keep things to themselves. I'm sure I could too..and I do most of the time... I just hate when it builds up and I breakdown.

Crying sucks. Basically.

I've done it quite a bit lately.... Over a bunch of things. Blah It's soo not cool. Like at all. I don't like to seem weak. In front of you, or anybody.



*********************************************************************************************************************************

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I need sleep. Like a real FULL nights sleep. I wish I had a person to be next to me. It's always nice to go through things with someone. Hmmm.

Anyway, sweet dreams.






P.S. To sum it up... I do need you. It's not just a want anymore. You mean a ridiculous amount to me and I'm sorry if it seems to be too much sometimes. I just want you to know that no matter what, I would enjoy to have you around. No matter what or who happens between us. You know things most people won't ever know and we didn't even cover the basics. I just trust you...and it was easy for me to do. Isn't that funny? Anyway.... I'm not in the best state of mind I should probably stop writing...meh... Let it be.

SO hey.... No matter what I love you. Life's too short, so there ya go.


Kthxbye.

Basically.....

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So I's hearded this song and I thought of yous... Imma dork, I know. But anywho. I'm in a cuddling, love mood tonight. Deal with it people :)

Your arms feel like home- 3 Doors Down

I think i've walked too close to love
And now i'm falling in
Theres so many things this weary soul can't take
Maybe you just caught me by surprise
The first time that i looked into your eyes

There's a life inside of me
That i can feel again
It's the only thing that takes me
Where i've never been
I don't care if i lost everything that i have known
It don't matter where i lay my head tonight
Your arms feel like home
Feel like home

This life aint the fairy tale we both thought it would be
But i can see your smiling face as it's staring back at me
I know we both see these changes now
I know we both understand somehow

There's a life inside of me
That i can feel again
It's the only thing that takes me
Where i've never been
I don't care if i lost everything that i have known
It don't matter where i lay my head tonight
Your arms feel like home
They feel like home
(hold on, you're home to me)

There's a life inside of me
That i can feel again
It's the only thing that takes me
Where i've never been
I don't care if i lost everything that i have known
It don't matter where i lay my head tonight
Your arms feel like home
They feel like home

Blergh. what the hell...

So not even my picture will work and I'm pretty upset about that. It was pretty nice.

Anyway, I kinda wanna go away for a bit. Take a trip or just go camping for the weekend. OR goodness I don't know. Anywhere but here. Maybe it's just me....I don't know. I just want to get away for bit. No communication or anything...well okay maybe just my cell, but other than that. I just want to find a field and lay down under the stars in it. The world is getting to me I think.

I see perfection and beauty all around me.
It makes me hide, because it's what I'll never be.
Cast me a smile and hold me tight.
All I want is to be beautiful in your eyes tonight.

I wrote that. It's how I feel. In a world where beauty=perfection ....I realize that it's not something I'll be.

Maybe I'm being ridiculous right now, and lame girl self conscious...but meh so be it. I'm allowed to be, if only for right now.
Just for a moment, I'd like to be beautiful in your eyes.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Everything feels like its spinning. Is that weird?

I just want to curl up in a ball on a rainy day and have you next to me. Is that okay? okay.

I'm not even making sense anymore.

*********************************************************************************************************************************

The end of this nonsense.

Heart and MInd- Kina Grannis

So...I always try to find songs that fit things I'm trying to say or explain or whatever.. and this one fits everything. My thoughts, feelings and just me in general. Hopefully it'll makes things make sense ahaha.



"I write you letters from right to left
See if you have desire yet
To decipher what I said
And learn secrets from my head

It was hard for me to say
Those three words that are so brave
Almost kept them locked away
Deep inside where they'd be safe

BRIDGE:
Always trying to find
A safer place to hide

CHORUS:
Always felt I was protecting my...
Heart and mind
Heart and mind
But it seems like to really feel alive
I cannot hide
My heart and mind

I don't know why I get shy
Tucked away inside my mind
Scared to let someone inside
I sit silent in disguise

BRIDGE
Always trying to find
A safer place to hide


CHORUS
Always felt I was protecting my...
Heart and mind
Heart and mind
But it seems like to really feel alive
I cannot hide
My heart and mind"

Plus I just love love love her.

Okay really.... Goodnight Moon, Kiss the stars hello.

Late nights, Few Frights

Soo.... I actually talked to you tonight, I feel really shy and embarrassed since I'm probably the most boring person ever in the history of boring people... I'm sorry you had to watch me do homework...not interesting I know.. but hey better than nothing I guess.

Anway...

Looking past all of that, I'm super duper happy it happened. Being able to hear your voice was just...good? or like superfantasticalamazingly awesome. Yeah I like the second one. I'm too tired to completely write something. I have 15 A.P. Euro cards left. I'll do them in the morning. Basically I just wanted to say how happy I am. If that makes me a loser, so be it. I'd rather be happy and a loser, than not happy and really cool.

Basically I'm tired and this is pointless, but something said write it so I am.

Goodnight Moon, Tell the stars I love them :)

First off I absolutely love this movie. (The Notebook) Any boy that would willingly lay down and watch this with me, and not laugh at me when I cry haha, will be the boy for me :)
I just watched it and well Ryan Gosling is Yummy and I realized I haven't discussed love or anything for awhile. The last couple posts have been negative and really lame and stupid. I apologize, I over think and never understand I've got to let things be...It works out better for me.

Anywho this picture has my favorite quote on it
"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more. That plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds"

I don't expect people to understand me. I don't expect people to understand this infatuation I have with love. I just can't think of a better feeling than knowing you would do anyone for another person. Whether it be family,friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, or...whatever you've got with someone. AND then knowing they would gladly do it right back. Once you find it, hold it real tight.

*****************************************************************************************

I was discussing with my friend about her situation. She is absolutely IN love with her boyfriend, but she thinks she might love someone else. I told her it is possible to love someone and be IN love with someone, because those two things are very different. I love my best friend Jason, but I'm not IN love with him.
She then answered her own problem with this. I love boy 1 with my heart, but I love boy 2 with my soul.


I then told her that, that right there is her answer. If you love someone with your entire being. Not just your head or your heart, or well for some guys their dick...but everything. Your heart, your body, your head, your soul. If every part of you is in need of this person, don't throw that away for something uncertain.
You can't full heartedly love two people at the same time, and why would you want to only love someone with half of your heart?
However I hope this helped her. She and I both over think things wayyy tooo much, so she helps me and I help her. I love her dearly. and now she's at her boyfriends house baking brownies, falling in love with him all over again...I find that adorable ahah.

But I wanna know what you guys think. Is it possible to be IN love with two people at the same time?

My view is quite clear, but still it's interesting to know others.
*****************************************************************************************
Hmmm....Okay. I wish I could tell you everything. I feel like you don't understand, which is funny because I think that's the same thing you said to me... I just don't want to sound or seem stupid. Meh. ANYWHO.... I think I'll end this post where it is.

Feel free to comment your thoughts on the question asked above. I'd appreciate it really.


Live.Laugh.Love.
<3 Ames.

*****************************************************************************************

Ummm.....

alright this will be short. All I want to know is where we stand. If you're worried about hurting me..don't. I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself. Now maybe I'm just being silly, and yes times are different but would it kill you to try? Would it kill me?

All I know is that I'm stuck in the unknown. Here take an escape, just let me know. I'm tired of wondering, side stepping my every move. If something is bothering you let me know. Communication is key, but everyone seems to be forgetting that lately.

Whatever. I'm stepping back now. I'll be around, but not just on your terms. When I'm ready. I can't sit around and wait for whatever this is..god knows it's not mutual. So okay. I'm not mad or anything just confused.

I prepare myself for whatever. Okay. I'm done. Words..Words...Words..

<3 me.

Don't talk just..... (rant and rave all you want it's not like anyone will hear you..pt.3)

You're a waste of thought, energy, emotion and tears. Do you know that? Am I "the bitch" because I stood up for myself? Because I realized I didn't want a fucking relationship based on physicality and moments?? WHERE AM I WRONG!?!?! Please. Tell me. I'm begging you. Tell me how I'm the bad guy in this. Pretend that you cared about me enough to be really "hurt" and "broken hearted" by any of this. I'm pullin out the Bullshit card on this one. Wanna know why?? Because if you honestly "wanted to be with me so badly that you'd fight for me, you'd fight for us" Then why the FUCK have you just stopped fighting?? I gave you a second chance. I had this huge open window for you to decide what you really wanted and it turned out it wasn't me. I should've known from the start that it wasn't.

You got pissed at me because of what I have with Garrett, when you have the same exact thing with her. I know in a heartbeat if she ever decided to like you, you would drop me in a heartbeat. I know all of these truths and YET i'm STILL letting you get to me. Am I messed up or what?? I mean seriously. You don't talk to me, look at me,anything.

All I wanted was to start over. To give you that opportunity to be my friend first and foremost. Believe it or not, that's how things usally work because trying to establish a friendship AND a relationship at the same time is so fucking difficult. THAT was our problem..and I handed you this moment a silver platter. But fine, if you wanna think I'm a bitch for wanting something real and honest, which I now know you could never give me in a million years, no matter how many words you could try to use to get me to believe you, then fine. I'm the stuck up, pretentious bitch that grew a backbone and stood up for herself instead of putting up with a manwhore like you. That's right. ALLLL MY FAULT!! Poor you..

But fuck it. I'm done trying to make things work and try to explain to you. You won't listen. You never have. But you know.. I was and AM something real.. something you probably needed in your life too..however you can't grasp the meaning or any of those things which is why you could never, and will never obtain me.

Don't talk, just save your breath.

5 minute write up.

Life has been a crazy blur this past week. I started my senior year and already I'm overwhelmed. Two AP courses which I'm so game for..but then there's trying to figure out what colleges to apply to and then the whole work on college auditions. We started work on our first contemporary monologue in academy.

I'm pretty excited that our first semester is spent focused on college auditions. It makes things so much easier. However I'm still running around like crazy. I have no time for sleep or anythig really. However I never really slept much before hand.

Not too mention social personal problems I haven't figured out yet..thankfully today is Yom Kippur which is a Jewish Holiday about forgiveness. SOO...He forgave me...I feel like the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I didn't know how much longer I could've taken it. I felt terrible..working our schedules as best we could to avoid each other..he didn't pay attention when we discussed in drama or any classes..turned the other way when I passed. It kinda hurt...but in the long run I did the best thing for myself. I just didn't want to lose a friend..and I hate knowing I hurt someone. So I'm happy to say we're starting over with this new year as friends. It'll be hard..more so for him...but we'll be okay. During our non talking period I did learn he was left handed..which is weird...I sat next to him in english all last year.. hmm...ah well..

Anywho I'm happy that's settled as best it can be for right now. I can focus just on school things..well TRY to just focus on school things haha..I'll still have this wonderful boy in the back of my mind :)

oh! I know our lives are busy now and what not...but I still think about you all the time..never forget it :) I should check in more I suppose..but well for some reason I go no don't be annoying haha....anywho.I hope it's good. I love you.

Well 5 minutes are up. I'll take the time to go more in depth with life. College Apps next...oh boy.

Ames.

I've got a lot to say....so here...a bit of truth for you.

Watch it all fall apart

Like shattering glass.

This world is going quickly

So aggravating, frustrating

This world as it falls,

Falls in front of us.

Travel home.

So take me home.

And if your arms are home,

Then I wish I was always home

Sleeping there, Dreaming there,

Staying warm forever.

So only you And I,

know how it feels,

Unconditionally, no expiration,

Loving you forever.

It makes me more than happy

To know someone shares

That happiness with me.

Because right there

As my best friend and

So much more, Your arms

Seem to be the only

Safe place....

Anymore."

Remember how I said I wouldn't speak of love if it doesn't exist? Well that was complete and utter bullshit. Is it difficult? Fuck yes it is. But We don't choose who we love..it just happens.

So you..you just happend. That's the best way I can explain it. I didn't ask for it. I didn't say pleaseohpleaseohplease let me fall for this kid. just as well as I didn't say pleaseohpleaseohplease let him fall for me. Some act of whatever decided to say "You know what, these two could be exactly what the other needs...okay cool...lets trip them"

Usually what I do in this situation is run a flat out sprint in the opposite direction because it scares me shitless. You want to know the truth...as to why I seem so ridiculous with all of this? Why for whatever reason I blow things out of proportion and over think and over analyze instead of let things run it's course? You want to know what I think about?

I think of how terrified I am. I'm scared. That's why I hide. That's why I pretend. That's why I give you half answers to questions that go unanswered. I'm fucking out of my element. I'm constantly waiting for the moment I screw up. Say too much or say too little. Do the wrong thing at the right time. Do the right thing at the wrong time...IF I haven't already...quite frankly if I were you I would've been gone about a year and some months ago, I probably never would've had the guts to talk to me. Even if it wasn't my idea. Even after one conversation I would've thought "What the hell? She's really odd" then bolted. Avoiding myself the rest of the time.

Now you know me....well...you know as much as I've allowed you to know I guess...which is too little to maybe you're liking but already too much for me. I may be driving you crazy..or you may not even be caring either way all's fair. I'd like a do over though...I want to go back and just maybe not care as much? Maybe not be so impulsive? HA...wait me? Impulsive? That's funny. God I could use another drink.

I'm a runner. An avoider. I keep things inside of myself. They are rarely seen or heard. I keep it light and I stay smiling. But when I'm alone...sitting in a hotel room like right now..I do things like this. Lay it out here. Do I WANT to open myself up? Nah not really...but it's the only way I think you'll understand. Boys and Girls? We're wired differently. You guys don't think as much about what we think about. and if you do you'd rather eat fried worms than admit it. And if you do admit it...it's once in awhile. So unusual it makes us question if it was even real...or if you even meant it.

So yeah. That's what I do. I question...everything. You may say it..and I want with all of my being to believe you ..but I stop after like day 3. This has nothing to do with you of course. Once again..I run. I laugh it off and say this is just one big joke. I sit and wait for you to tell me the punch line. I wait for you to say "just kidding, remember everything I said? I never meant any of it." Funny thing to wait around for right? Well... no. Because it's happened before. I've heard the haha. I've trusted and fallen. with a terribly loud thud. or should I say ringtone. Yeah text message. Destroyed any and all trust for like ever.

Then here you come along, I freak out a bit thinking you'd be just the same..thinking this will go nowhere..how could it? you're forever away. I'll be a reality placeholder.I'd accepted myself as such. But then....it starts to mean something...I don't know who it meant something to first but at the end of the day...it meant something. and I, said "Holy fuck? How did this happen" I start thinking about how impossible this is and just all this negative and I laugh at myself for honestly believing it all. and so I retreat. I wave my white flag again. When we don't talk for awhile...I find relief a bit...I think "ah okay cool, this is it. this is that huge punch line i've been waiting for" Do I panic? of course. I don't want to get hurt. However that's inevitable, right? right. But then you surprise me yet again. You don't even say much. We go weeks sometimes months without talking and you come back and just say something as simple as how are you? or I miss you. and I get swept up again. I go "wow. I'm still on his mind. Unbelievable" I wish I could so that. Just openly tell you I miss you or I love you or whatever whenever I felt the need to. I've done it like what a total of twice? since i've known you. I think what it is...I don't want to say it and have you go "oh..." so usually I just wait to hear you say it..

And you know you've always surprised me. Proving to be different than I expected. Everything I hate and wish I could change about myself you found a way to endure and accept and love? That stuns me. I never give you enough credit. At least not directly to you. I think i'm afraid to let you know just how much you mean to me. Like completely. Not these little blog what nots but everything. I can't even put it here because I know there's the possibility of you seeing it. You tell me I can tell you anything..but you don't understand how guarded I am. That one wrong thing will make you go away. I can lose you as someone who loves me and could potentially see a future with me. I wouldn't like it..but I can do it. I just don't want to lose you as my friend. We were that before anything else. So any possibility I see that could make you disappear I avoid..or at least try my best to.

I don't get how you put up with it all. I really don't. and if this is actually a joke..i think i'm ready to be told so. See what i do? I think things like this. The more I think it and say it the more it's out there and who knows YOU'LL start to think it and then it could actually be true. What made me so fucked that I can't just go..." He loves me. you know he could actually be serious when he says it too" I don't get it. Shouldn't i be able to do that? Is something really wrong with me that I have to think every terrible thing possible? and then run for the hills when shit does in fact get real. Isn't this really what I've wanted all along? Isn't this what I've been writing and reading about? An improbable "cruise crush" since that's what everybody called them, now turned into a possibility. It does seem pretty storybook. My best friends are jealous over how "cute" and "sweet" and "Wonderful" this whole this was...or is.... They really can't get over it. Maybe I should blame them for how I am...but...yeah no I can't. Sounds to me like this is exactly what I hoped to find. and here I am ruining it.

I'm not even sure I covered everything I wanted to. But I do feel a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. If and when you see this....Here. Here's what really goes on. This is more of me than you or I ever wanted to know. I'm scared. Bottom Line. Something real happened and now I'm making it like unhappen. There you go. Now you know. and i'm even more scared that you know. This could be the say too much part....fuck it. It's out there at least. Oh. And i'm sorry. for what? I guess just...everything. My stupid stupid obsession of sorts with romantics and love and that terrible stuff. The times I'm just really out of it and seem crazy. The times I feel like complete shit and can't even give you a straight answer. and the times I cry...over you?....which I'm not even really sure why I do. I don't have some claim over you. I cant say "Yep that terrific boy? he's all mine" so really this whole blog is pointless, no? But....yeah...I'm just sorry. I feel it's important to tell you this. Alright. Now I'm done.

Marty McFly

Ohhai... So you've read this thing before...maybe you'll read it again haha.

I just think you should get your own post and I can tell you how terrific I think you are. I don't know if you know this but you're seriously like one of my bestest friends ever ever ever. Which I'm not even sure how it happend?? haha Anywho I'm glad it did.

Thank you also. You brighten up my day a lot lately. I quite enjoy our seemingly never ending phone calls. I also enjoy the silence...it's only awkward if what we were just talking about was awkward but usually it's comforting. You listen to all my ramblings even though you'd much rather be doing ANYTHING else (and don't try to tell me otherwise, I know you lie :D) haha

You introduced me to the love of my life haha Donald Glover (Yes I know he's like 30. Yes I also know that it's impossible...Don't be a dream killer ahah) BUT anywho.. We have a lot more in common than I thought we would. and I find that very exciting. I always wanted to be super good friends with you..but...well...anyway now we are and it's quite good.

I still know things you don't know hahah and Yeah it's gonna stay that way. Don't worry though, it's nothing TOO important.

I'm super stoked about the fact you can understand some of the random ass things I say. And when you don't, you ask what I mean. You pay attention to the simplest of things. You compliment the simplest of things too. You lie, but it still means a lot.

This isn't really making sense. I just wanted you to know how much I like knowing you and having you in my life.

Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou

hahaha....alright...see you can read this one. It's safe. I'm smart about what I put into these blogs. ;)

This is not about love.

This won't be interesting. So don't read it.
No...Not one bit. Why? because I'm quite tired of it. I just sound ridiculous and crazy and like a 10 year old girl stuck reading fairytales. This is life though. I'm 17. No fairytale is real. Sorry to burst anyones bubbles..but uhmm it's not. Sure, things can happen in life that may seem like it. Sometimes things work out like one too..but the chances are so slim it's ridiculous. SO with that... Don't put so much stock into one thing. Believe me..when you have love and it's real and true and woo...then hey great. Good for you. Hold onto that. It comes once in a blue moon.
Don't however spend every night wishing on a star because you'll run out of stars before the wish comes true. Why do I sound so jaded and bitchy? Gosh I really hate it BUT I've got to be this way. Otherwise I think too much...and it starts to hurt. So I'm gonna stop for a bit... Everyone needs time and space so okay, lets have that. I get it trust me,I do..I'd do the same thing most likely.
I'm just not thinking about it anymore. I can't. Negative creeps in and I don't need that. I have so much going on right now. Good things, I can't afford anything that'll keep that from happening. Fall away and we'll find each other sometime when we're ready. Stop reading now please. Like honestly. this is just a bunch of nonsense...and well everything I say is... however...

"If you wanna know, here it goes
gonna tell you this.
A part of me that shows,
If we're close gonna let you see everything
BUT remember that YOU asked for it.

I'm tryna do my best to impress
But it's easier to let you take a guess at the rest
but you wanna hear the things in my Heart and my Brain
Well you asked for it..
For your perusin'
At times confusin'
Slightly amusin'
Introducing me"

It's the best way I can put it. You can grow tired of me all you want. But please remember you wanted to know about me. You want to know my thoughts good or bad or whatever. So here.
If yo don't like them..well then you should have stopped when I said.

I'm not mad...or yelling... or anything really. I just have things to put down.. and I'll never say them directly. And I used to think you'd never hear them so I'd just blurb them here. However you read this damn thing...I don't feel a need to stop what this blog was all about so.. fine my thoughts go here. Take with it what you will.

I'm frustrated and confused. I love you. I do. but sometimes I wonder if that's enough. Don't answer that. Don't even let me know you've read this.

I wrote a new song. Some of it is truth and inspired by you. Not all of it however.

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this. I don't like feeling this way. That's why I'm tapping out right now. Just for a moment. Everything has gotten too big for me. Sooo...I hide. that's what I do. Introudcing Me. I get better. I promise I do. But if you want the good and the bad...here's the bad. blegh. Glad that's done with. I'm sorry. Hopefully you didn't make it this far.

Forgive me, First love..

I'm tired. So so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so very tired. Not like sleep tired..like mentally and emotionally. Sometimes being a girl really sucks because we have to feel. If I could not feel, or atleast be like a boy and only feel one emotion at a time I think i'd be better off. Maybe I could train myself to be that way. I'd fair better in this world if my heart didn't control everything. If I just think with my head that would makes things a lot better no? I'd be smarter. More careful. OR OR I could be a total asshole. Fuck with guys minds and hearts ya know? Make them think this is real and that it's going somewhere and just BAM pull the rug from under them so to speak. Let them maybe start to feel a legit feeling..not one they fake just to get a decent lay because their left hand just doesn't cut it anymore. Maybe let them fall...give them false hope that I'd catch them and then when they hit, they look around and wonder why I didn't show. Break promises. Break Hearts. Laugh about it with my "boys" and say "man I can't believe he actually fell for that!! Like hahaha did you!! ahah He seriously thought that I..?? ahah ohhman good stuff..good stuff" Revenge at it's finest. They wouldn't know what hit them. I seem sweet and innocent, as someone that can hold them off for a bit, while they're bored. Waiting for someone dangerous and exciting comes along.They come to me with no intention of making it something worthwhile. I'm a good laugh.
But you know..I'm fucking tired of being THAT girl. Maybe I don't want to be the sweet, innocent girl who cares too much and gives so much more. Maybe I want to have a reckless night and not remember a damn thing in the morning. Maybe I want to hurt someone...Maybe..Maybe..Maybe....

The sad thing is....I know I can never be THAT girl. It would be so out of character for myself. People honestly wouldn't know what to think. They become my friend because I'm not THAT girl. They stay my friend because I'm not THAT girl. Boys in particular. I'm the next door neighbor, best friend because I'm not THAT girl.

But if I was..would I be happy? Would I be better than I am now? Probably not. I'd probably end up hating myself or just being disgusted with myself. Wondering how I ended up BEING that girl. Looking back and wondering how I got there. I'd end up with the same type of boy I always said I hated. I'd end up with a boy that is EXACTLY like myself. If they do it for you, they'll do it to you. Do I want to put myself through that? No I don't. and that fact I won't ever be THAT girl...I could never put another person through that. I can't be the one to know I caused someone else pain. I don't want to break hearts. I don't want to fuck around. I don't want to give false hope. I don't want to anything I just mentioned.

I really just want to feel alive. For once..in a very long time. I want to take a trip. Whether it be just to the coast or across the country. I just want to drive. Be daring. Take a leap of faith once in awhile. I want to sleep on the beach and see the sunrise. I want to spend the night with someone I don't know and just follow instincts. No regrets. ********************************************************************************************

I want to spend a rainy day holed up in bed with someone,a love,and just rediscover everything we'd forgotten. Feel every touch. Every kiss. Every move.Every pull. Just everything. The electric hum of the closeness of us. Let the sparks fly and not give a damn. Let you in again and again. I just want to feel. Touch. Know. Explore. Taste. Forget. Remember. A sensual dance on repeat because there's no place we'd rather be. Lock all the doors unplug the phone and just feel. Close every wound from people in our pasts. Be better than we were years prior. Be better for each other.

I want to have passion and romance and love and instincts to forget. Someone who will bring me to the horizon and over the edge. Tell me I'm beautiful when I cry. Forgive me when I make a mistake. Be okay when the nights come that I'd rather just be held. Know that when I'm angry with you it's most likely because I'm angry with myself. The person I can tell all of my secrets to and know that they'll keep them forever and a day. I can tell my fears to, no matter how ridiculous and know that they'd be there to help me overcome and embrace them.

I want to stop wanting all of these things as well though. Am I serious right now? Like I'd end up with these things. I should stop reading all these books. They give a false sense of reality hahah.
Then again..Why CAN'T I have all of these things? Who's to say I don't already have them? I don't know what's in store for myself. I know i deserve the best. Why should I settle? I won't settle. I'll have everything I want. why? because I believe in it. I know it's out there. I know he's out there. I know your out there. I know you're here. .... I guess I should add that I want..well...need someone that can put up with me. Bring me back to reality when I let my mind run away.

This where I come full circle to the whole I want to only feel one thing at a time. I need to just let things be as they are. Everything will work out the way they're supposed to. No matter the outcome I have to accept it. I shouldn't put so much stock into this. Things happen. People change. People grow. Fall in and out of love.

That's the bottom line I assume. Love. It's the best worst thing to ever happen to someone like me. But loving someone and being IN love with someone are two totally different things. "Those three words, are said too much..but not enough" Mean it. Make sure you mean it before you say it. and if you've said it...make it sure it feels right everytime you do say it. If you ever need to question it, then it isn't real. Take it back in the easiest way possible. Those are just my words of advice to you all. When you have plenty of sleepless nights you ponder things. I came up with this. By no means is it original, but sometimes people forget. Take with it what you will.

Live free. Love true. Dream wonders.

Ames

Everything changes...

So I haven't been myself. yeah...what else is new. I think I figured out why though, which is exciting. Change. Chage is coming, change has happened, change is here. What exactly is going to change is something I don't know, but I feel it. I think the fact that i don't know makes me nervous and panic. SO atleast I know that.. Yes, I'm about to start my senior year..and yes I have a bunch of new things going on in my life. so that IS a actual change...However it's not done. Something else is coming, it's just one of those feelings. I'm excited yet terrified to learn what it is. Yet whatever it is I can handle. Why? Because it's meant to be. Its taken me awhile to understand that as much as I'd like to I can't control everything that happens to me. Most things that happen are lessons.

You're mad at me because I did what I needed to do for myself. I deserve to treated with respect and just to treated correctly in general. I am a person. Not an object. You couldn't accept that and now you're just being exactly who I knew you to be. BUT whatever. It has nothing to do with anyone else by the way. This was all about you and I. I decided this, I needed this. I deserve to be honestly happy. However you could care less about that. anyway i've wasted enough on you so i'm gonna stop.

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*new really vague thought, I know what i mean though and I guess that's what matters*

Am I scared? absolutely. I don't know what's going to happen. I try not to think about it, but it gets to times like this and I just.. I dunno...panic. I think? I'm not even sure what it is. God I'm a mess, how do people put up with it?? ahaha. Well anywho... I just don't know. I wish I could have a definate answer, but I wasn't meant to know the future. I'm supposed to take it one day at a time. My momma said to. So here goes..One day at a time. Lets see where this gets me.

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I AM happy though. It's silly not to be. Whether I'm fated to pretend at times..at the end of the day I just laugh..say I'm pathetic then smile. Because none of it's true. I have no reason to feel upset. If I didn't think too much, I'd be fine. But I think. Oh well. So sue me. At the end of the day I'm the best that I can be. :)

SO now I'm not making sense. Done with my nonsense for the night.