Ummm.....

alright this will be short. All I want to know is where we stand. If you're worried about hurting me..don't. I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself. Now maybe I'm just being silly, and yes times are different but would it kill you to try? Would it kill me?

All I know is that I'm stuck in the unknown. Here take an escape, just let me know. I'm tired of wondering, side stepping my every move. If something is bothering you let me know. Communication is key, but everyone seems to be forgetting that lately.

Whatever. I'm stepping back now. I'll be around, but not just on your terms. When I'm ready. I can't sit around and wait for whatever this is..god knows it's not mutual. So okay. I'm not mad or anything just confused.

I prepare myself for whatever. Okay. I'm done. Words..Words...Words..

<3 me.

Don't talk just..... (rant and rave all you want it's not like anyone will hear you..pt.3)

You're a waste of thought, energy, emotion and tears. Do you know that? Am I "the bitch" because I stood up for myself? Because I realized I didn't want a fucking relationship based on physicality and moments?? WHERE AM I WRONG!?!?! Please. Tell me. I'm begging you. Tell me how I'm the bad guy in this. Pretend that you cared about me enough to be really "hurt" and "broken hearted" by any of this. I'm pullin out the Bullshit card on this one. Wanna know why?? Because if you honestly "wanted to be with me so badly that you'd fight for me, you'd fight for us" Then why the FUCK have you just stopped fighting?? I gave you a second chance. I had this huge open window for you to decide what you really wanted and it turned out it wasn't me. I should've known from the start that it wasn't.

You got pissed at me because of what I have with Garrett, when you have the same exact thing with her. I know in a heartbeat if she ever decided to like you, you would drop me in a heartbeat. I know all of these truths and YET i'm STILL letting you get to me. Am I messed up or what?? I mean seriously. You don't talk to me, look at me,anything.

All I wanted was to start over. To give you that opportunity to be my friend first and foremost. Believe it or not, that's how things usally work because trying to establish a friendship AND a relationship at the same time is so fucking difficult. THAT was our problem..and I handed you this moment a silver platter. But fine, if you wanna think I'm a bitch for wanting something real and honest, which I now know you could never give me in a million years, no matter how many words you could try to use to get me to believe you, then fine. I'm the stuck up, pretentious bitch that grew a backbone and stood up for herself instead of putting up with a manwhore like you. That's right. ALLLL MY FAULT!! Poor you..

But fuck it. I'm done trying to make things work and try to explain to you. You won't listen. You never have. But you know.. I was and AM something real.. something you probably needed in your life too..however you can't grasp the meaning or any of those things which is why you could never, and will never obtain me.

Don't talk, just save your breath.

5 minute write up.

Life has been a crazy blur this past week. I started my senior year and already I'm overwhelmed. Two AP courses which I'm so game for..but then there's trying to figure out what colleges to apply to and then the whole work on college auditions. We started work on our first contemporary monologue in academy.

I'm pretty excited that our first semester is spent focused on college auditions. It makes things so much easier. However I'm still running around like crazy. I have no time for sleep or anythig really. However I never really slept much before hand.

Not too mention social personal problems I haven't figured out yet..thankfully today is Yom Kippur which is a Jewish Holiday about forgiveness. SOO...He forgave me...I feel like the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I didn't know how much longer I could've taken it. I felt terrible..working our schedules as best we could to avoid each other..he didn't pay attention when we discussed in drama or any classes..turned the other way when I passed. It kinda hurt...but in the long run I did the best thing for myself. I just didn't want to lose a friend..and I hate knowing I hurt someone. So I'm happy to say we're starting over with this new year as friends. It'll be hard..more so for him...but we'll be okay. During our non talking period I did learn he was left handed..which is weird...I sat next to him in english all last year.. hmm...ah well..

Anywho I'm happy that's settled as best it can be for right now. I can focus just on school things..well TRY to just focus on school things haha..I'll still have this wonderful boy in the back of my mind :)

oh! I know our lives are busy now and what not...but I still think about you all the time..never forget it :) I should check in more I suppose..but well for some reason I go no don't be annoying haha....anywho.I hope it's good. I love you.

Well 5 minutes are up. I'll take the time to go more in depth with life. College Apps next...oh boy.

Ames.

I've got a lot to say....so here...a bit of truth for you.

Watch it all fall apart

Like shattering glass.

This world is going quickly

So aggravating, frustrating

This world as it falls,

Falls in front of us.

Travel home.

So take me home.

And if your arms are home,

Then I wish I was always home

Sleeping there, Dreaming there,

Staying warm forever.

So only you And I,

know how it feels,

Unconditionally, no expiration,

Loving you forever.

It makes me more than happy

To know someone shares

That happiness with me.

Because right there

As my best friend and

So much more, Your arms

Seem to be the only

Safe place....

Anymore."

Remember how I said I wouldn't speak of love if it doesn't exist? Well that was complete and utter bullshit. Is it difficult? Fuck yes it is. But We don't choose who we love..it just happens.

So you..you just happend. That's the best way I can explain it. I didn't ask for it. I didn't say pleaseohpleaseohplease let me fall for this kid. just as well as I didn't say pleaseohpleaseohplease let him fall for me. Some act of whatever decided to say "You know what, these two could be exactly what the other needs...okay cool...lets trip them"

Usually what I do in this situation is run a flat out sprint in the opposite direction because it scares me shitless. You want to know the truth...as to why I seem so ridiculous with all of this? Why for whatever reason I blow things out of proportion and over think and over analyze instead of let things run it's course? You want to know what I think about?

I think of how terrified I am. I'm scared. That's why I hide. That's why I pretend. That's why I give you half answers to questions that go unanswered. I'm fucking out of my element. I'm constantly waiting for the moment I screw up. Say too much or say too little. Do the wrong thing at the right time. Do the right thing at the wrong time...IF I haven't already...quite frankly if I were you I would've been gone about a year and some months ago, I probably never would've had the guts to talk to me. Even if it wasn't my idea. Even after one conversation I would've thought "What the hell? She's really odd" then bolted. Avoiding myself the rest of the time.

Now you know me....well...you know as much as I've allowed you to know I guess...which is too little to maybe you're liking but already too much for me. I may be driving you crazy..or you may not even be caring either way all's fair. I'd like a do over though...I want to go back and just maybe not care as much? Maybe not be so impulsive? HA...wait me? Impulsive? That's funny. God I could use another drink.

I'm a runner. An avoider. I keep things inside of myself. They are rarely seen or heard. I keep it light and I stay smiling. But when I'm alone...sitting in a hotel room like right now..I do things like this. Lay it out here. Do I WANT to open myself up? Nah not really...but it's the only way I think you'll understand. Boys and Girls? We're wired differently. You guys don't think as much about what we think about. and if you do you'd rather eat fried worms than admit it. And if you do admit it...it's once in awhile. So unusual it makes us question if it was even real...or if you even meant it.

So yeah. That's what I do. I question...everything. You may say it..and I want with all of my being to believe you ..but I stop after like day 3. This has nothing to do with you of course. Once again..I run. I laugh it off and say this is just one big joke. I sit and wait for you to tell me the punch line. I wait for you to say "just kidding, remember everything I said? I never meant any of it." Funny thing to wait around for right? Well... no. Because it's happened before. I've heard the haha. I've trusted and fallen. with a terribly loud thud. or should I say ringtone. Yeah text message. Destroyed any and all trust for like ever.

Then here you come along, I freak out a bit thinking you'd be just the same..thinking this will go nowhere..how could it? you're forever away. I'll be a reality placeholder.I'd accepted myself as such. But then....it starts to mean something...I don't know who it meant something to first but at the end of the day...it meant something. and I, said "Holy fuck? How did this happen" I start thinking about how impossible this is and just all this negative and I laugh at myself for honestly believing it all. and so I retreat. I wave my white flag again. When we don't talk for awhile...I find relief a bit...I think "ah okay cool, this is it. this is that huge punch line i've been waiting for" Do I panic? of course. I don't want to get hurt. However that's inevitable, right? right. But then you surprise me yet again. You don't even say much. We go weeks sometimes months without talking and you come back and just say something as simple as how are you? or I miss you. and I get swept up again. I go "wow. I'm still on his mind. Unbelievable" I wish I could so that. Just openly tell you I miss you or I love you or whatever whenever I felt the need to. I've done it like what a total of twice? since i've known you. I think what it is...I don't want to say it and have you go "oh..." so usually I just wait to hear you say it..

And you know you've always surprised me. Proving to be different than I expected. Everything I hate and wish I could change about myself you found a way to endure and accept and love? That stuns me. I never give you enough credit. At least not directly to you. I think i'm afraid to let you know just how much you mean to me. Like completely. Not these little blog what nots but everything. I can't even put it here because I know there's the possibility of you seeing it. You tell me I can tell you anything..but you don't understand how guarded I am. That one wrong thing will make you go away. I can lose you as someone who loves me and could potentially see a future with me. I wouldn't like it..but I can do it. I just don't want to lose you as my friend. We were that before anything else. So any possibility I see that could make you disappear I avoid..or at least try my best to.

I don't get how you put up with it all. I really don't. and if this is actually a joke..i think i'm ready to be told so. See what i do? I think things like this. The more I think it and say it the more it's out there and who knows YOU'LL start to think it and then it could actually be true. What made me so fucked that I can't just go..." He loves me. you know he could actually be serious when he says it too" I don't get it. Shouldn't i be able to do that? Is something really wrong with me that I have to think every terrible thing possible? and then run for the hills when shit does in fact get real. Isn't this really what I've wanted all along? Isn't this what I've been writing and reading about? An improbable "cruise crush" since that's what everybody called them, now turned into a possibility. It does seem pretty storybook. My best friends are jealous over how "cute" and "sweet" and "Wonderful" this whole this was...or is.... They really can't get over it. Maybe I should blame them for how I am...but...yeah no I can't. Sounds to me like this is exactly what I hoped to find. and here I am ruining it.

I'm not even sure I covered everything I wanted to. But I do feel a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. If and when you see this....Here. Here's what really goes on. This is more of me than you or I ever wanted to know. I'm scared. Bottom Line. Something real happened and now I'm making it like unhappen. There you go. Now you know. and i'm even more scared that you know. This could be the say too much part....fuck it. It's out there at least. Oh. And i'm sorry. for what? I guess just...everything. My stupid stupid obsession of sorts with romantics and love and that terrible stuff. The times I'm just really out of it and seem crazy. The times I feel like complete shit and can't even give you a straight answer. and the times I cry...over you?....which I'm not even really sure why I do. I don't have some claim over you. I cant say "Yep that terrific boy? he's all mine" so really this whole blog is pointless, no? But....yeah...I'm just sorry. I feel it's important to tell you this. Alright. Now I'm done.

Marty McFly

Ohhai... So you've read this thing before...maybe you'll read it again haha.

I just think you should get your own post and I can tell you how terrific I think you are. I don't know if you know this but you're seriously like one of my bestest friends ever ever ever. Which I'm not even sure how it happend?? haha Anywho I'm glad it did.

Thank you also. You brighten up my day a lot lately. I quite enjoy our seemingly never ending phone calls. I also enjoy the silence...it's only awkward if what we were just talking about was awkward but usually it's comforting. You listen to all my ramblings even though you'd much rather be doing ANYTHING else (and don't try to tell me otherwise, I know you lie :D) haha

You introduced me to the love of my life haha Donald Glover (Yes I know he's like 30. Yes I also know that it's impossible...Don't be a dream killer ahah) BUT anywho.. We have a lot more in common than I thought we would. and I find that very exciting. I always wanted to be super good friends with you..but...well...anyway now we are and it's quite good.

I still know things you don't know hahah and Yeah it's gonna stay that way. Don't worry though, it's nothing TOO important.

I'm super stoked about the fact you can understand some of the random ass things I say. And when you don't, you ask what I mean. You pay attention to the simplest of things. You compliment the simplest of things too. You lie, but it still means a lot.

This isn't really making sense. I just wanted you to know how much I like knowing you and having you in my life.

Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou

hahaha....alright...see you can read this one. It's safe. I'm smart about what I put into these blogs. ;)

This is not about love.

This won't be interesting. So don't read it.
No...Not one bit. Why? because I'm quite tired of it. I just sound ridiculous and crazy and like a 10 year old girl stuck reading fairytales. This is life though. I'm 17. No fairytale is real. Sorry to burst anyones bubbles..but uhmm it's not. Sure, things can happen in life that may seem like it. Sometimes things work out like one too..but the chances are so slim it's ridiculous. SO with that... Don't put so much stock into one thing. Believe me..when you have love and it's real and true and woo...then hey great. Good for you. Hold onto that. It comes once in a blue moon.
Don't however spend every night wishing on a star because you'll run out of stars before the wish comes true. Why do I sound so jaded and bitchy? Gosh I really hate it BUT I've got to be this way. Otherwise I think too much...and it starts to hurt. So I'm gonna stop for a bit... Everyone needs time and space so okay, lets have that. I get it trust me,I do..I'd do the same thing most likely.
I'm just not thinking about it anymore. I can't. Negative creeps in and I don't need that. I have so much going on right now. Good things, I can't afford anything that'll keep that from happening. Fall away and we'll find each other sometime when we're ready. Stop reading now please. Like honestly. this is just a bunch of nonsense...and well everything I say is... however...

"If you wanna know, here it goes
gonna tell you this.
A part of me that shows,
If we're close gonna let you see everything
BUT remember that YOU asked for it.

I'm tryna do my best to impress
But it's easier to let you take a guess at the rest
but you wanna hear the things in my Heart and my Brain
Well you asked for it..
For your perusin'
At times confusin'
Slightly amusin'
Introducing me"

It's the best way I can put it. You can grow tired of me all you want. But please remember you wanted to know about me. You want to know my thoughts good or bad or whatever. So here.
If yo don't like them..well then you should have stopped when I said.

I'm not mad...or yelling... or anything really. I just have things to put down.. and I'll never say them directly. And I used to think you'd never hear them so I'd just blurb them here. However you read this damn thing...I don't feel a need to stop what this blog was all about so.. fine my thoughts go here. Take with it what you will.

I'm frustrated and confused. I love you. I do. but sometimes I wonder if that's enough. Don't answer that. Don't even let me know you've read this.

I wrote a new song. Some of it is truth and inspired by you. Not all of it however.

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this. I don't like feeling this way. That's why I'm tapping out right now. Just for a moment. Everything has gotten too big for me. Sooo...I hide. that's what I do. Introudcing Me. I get better. I promise I do. But if you want the good and the bad...here's the bad. blegh. Glad that's done with. I'm sorry. Hopefully you didn't make it this far.

Forgive me, First love..

I'm tired. So so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so very tired. Not like sleep tired..like mentally and emotionally. Sometimes being a girl really sucks because we have to feel. If I could not feel, or atleast be like a boy and only feel one emotion at a time I think i'd be better off. Maybe I could train myself to be that way. I'd fair better in this world if my heart didn't control everything. If I just think with my head that would makes things a lot better no? I'd be smarter. More careful. OR OR I could be a total asshole. Fuck with guys minds and hearts ya know? Make them think this is real and that it's going somewhere and just BAM pull the rug from under them so to speak. Let them maybe start to feel a legit feeling..not one they fake just to get a decent lay because their left hand just doesn't cut it anymore. Maybe let them fall...give them false hope that I'd catch them and then when they hit, they look around and wonder why I didn't show. Break promises. Break Hearts. Laugh about it with my "boys" and say "man I can't believe he actually fell for that!! Like hahaha did you!! ahah He seriously thought that I..?? ahah ohhman good stuff..good stuff" Revenge at it's finest. They wouldn't know what hit them. I seem sweet and innocent, as someone that can hold them off for a bit, while they're bored. Waiting for someone dangerous and exciting comes along.They come to me with no intention of making it something worthwhile. I'm a good laugh.
But you know..I'm fucking tired of being THAT girl. Maybe I don't want to be the sweet, innocent girl who cares too much and gives so much more. Maybe I want to have a reckless night and not remember a damn thing in the morning. Maybe I want to hurt someone...Maybe..Maybe..Maybe....

The sad thing is....I know I can never be THAT girl. It would be so out of character for myself. People honestly wouldn't know what to think. They become my friend because I'm not THAT girl. They stay my friend because I'm not THAT girl. Boys in particular. I'm the next door neighbor, best friend because I'm not THAT girl.

But if I was..would I be happy? Would I be better than I am now? Probably not. I'd probably end up hating myself or just being disgusted with myself. Wondering how I ended up BEING that girl. Looking back and wondering how I got there. I'd end up with the same type of boy I always said I hated. I'd end up with a boy that is EXACTLY like myself. If they do it for you, they'll do it to you. Do I want to put myself through that? No I don't. and that fact I won't ever be THAT girl...I could never put another person through that. I can't be the one to know I caused someone else pain. I don't want to break hearts. I don't want to fuck around. I don't want to give false hope. I don't want to anything I just mentioned.

I really just want to feel alive. For once..in a very long time. I want to take a trip. Whether it be just to the coast or across the country. I just want to drive. Be daring. Take a leap of faith once in awhile. I want to sleep on the beach and see the sunrise. I want to spend the night with someone I don't know and just follow instincts. No regrets. ********************************************************************************************

I want to spend a rainy day holed up in bed with someone,a love,and just rediscover everything we'd forgotten. Feel every touch. Every kiss. Every move.Every pull. Just everything. The electric hum of the closeness of us. Let the sparks fly and not give a damn. Let you in again and again. I just want to feel. Touch. Know. Explore. Taste. Forget. Remember. A sensual dance on repeat because there's no place we'd rather be. Lock all the doors unplug the phone and just feel. Close every wound from people in our pasts. Be better than we were years prior. Be better for each other.

I want to have passion and romance and love and instincts to forget. Someone who will bring me to the horizon and over the edge. Tell me I'm beautiful when I cry. Forgive me when I make a mistake. Be okay when the nights come that I'd rather just be held. Know that when I'm angry with you it's most likely because I'm angry with myself. The person I can tell all of my secrets to and know that they'll keep them forever and a day. I can tell my fears to, no matter how ridiculous and know that they'd be there to help me overcome and embrace them.

I want to stop wanting all of these things as well though. Am I serious right now? Like I'd end up with these things. I should stop reading all these books. They give a false sense of reality hahah.
Then again..Why CAN'T I have all of these things? Who's to say I don't already have them? I don't know what's in store for myself. I know i deserve the best. Why should I settle? I won't settle. I'll have everything I want. why? because I believe in it. I know it's out there. I know he's out there. I know your out there. I know you're here. .... I guess I should add that I want..well...need someone that can put up with me. Bring me back to reality when I let my mind run away.

This where I come full circle to the whole I want to only feel one thing at a time. I need to just let things be as they are. Everything will work out the way they're supposed to. No matter the outcome I have to accept it. I shouldn't put so much stock into this. Things happen. People change. People grow. Fall in and out of love.

That's the bottom line I assume. Love. It's the best worst thing to ever happen to someone like me. But loving someone and being IN love with someone are two totally different things. "Those three words, are said too much..but not enough" Mean it. Make sure you mean it before you say it. and if you've said it...make it sure it feels right everytime you do say it. If you ever need to question it, then it isn't real. Take it back in the easiest way possible. Those are just my words of advice to you all. When you have plenty of sleepless nights you ponder things. I came up with this. By no means is it original, but sometimes people forget. Take with it what you will.

Live free. Love true. Dream wonders.

Ames

Everything changes...

So I haven't been myself. yeah...what else is new. I think I figured out why though, which is exciting. Change. Chage is coming, change has happened, change is here. What exactly is going to change is something I don't know, but I feel it. I think the fact that i don't know makes me nervous and panic. SO atleast I know that.. Yes, I'm about to start my senior year..and yes I have a bunch of new things going on in my life. so that IS a actual change...However it's not done. Something else is coming, it's just one of those feelings. I'm excited yet terrified to learn what it is. Yet whatever it is I can handle. Why? Because it's meant to be. Its taken me awhile to understand that as much as I'd like to I can't control everything that happens to me. Most things that happen are lessons.

You're mad at me because I did what I needed to do for myself. I deserve to treated with respect and just to treated correctly in general. I am a person. Not an object. You couldn't accept that and now you're just being exactly who I knew you to be. BUT whatever. It has nothing to do with anyone else by the way. This was all about you and I. I decided this, I needed this. I deserve to be honestly happy. However you could care less about that. anyway i've wasted enough on you so i'm gonna stop.

_________________________________________________________________

*new really vague thought, I know what i mean though and I guess that's what matters*

Am I scared? absolutely. I don't know what's going to happen. I try not to think about it, but it gets to times like this and I just.. I dunno...panic. I think? I'm not even sure what it is. God I'm a mess, how do people put up with it?? ahaha. Well anywho... I just don't know. I wish I could have a definate answer, but I wasn't meant to know the future. I'm supposed to take it one day at a time. My momma said to. So here goes..One day at a time. Lets see where this gets me.

_________________________________________________________________

I AM happy though. It's silly not to be. Whether I'm fated to pretend at times..at the end of the day I just laugh..say I'm pathetic then smile. Because none of it's true. I have no reason to feel upset. If I didn't think too much, I'd be fine. But I think. Oh well. So sue me. At the end of the day I'm the best that I can be. :)

SO now I'm not making sense. Done with my nonsense for the night.