I'm tired. So so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so very tired. Not like sleep tired..like mentally and emotionally. Sometimes being a girl really sucks because we have to feel. If I could not feel, or atleast be like a boy and only feel one emotion at a time I think i'd be better off. Maybe I could train myself to be that way. I'd fair better in this world if my heart didn't control everything. If I just think with my head that would makes things a lot better no? I'd be smarter. More careful. OR OR I could be a total asshole. Fuck with guys minds and hearts ya know? Make them think this is real and that it's going somewhere and just BAM pull the rug from under them so to speak. Let them maybe start to feel a legit feeling..not one they fake just to get a decent lay because their left hand just doesn't cut it anymore. Maybe let them fall...give them false hope that I'd catch them and then when they hit, they look around and wonder why I didn't show. Break promises. Break Hearts. Laugh about it with my "boys" and say "man I can't believe he actually fell for that!! Like hahaha did you!! ahah He seriously thought that I..?? ahah ohhman good stuff..good stuff" Revenge at it's finest. They wouldn't know what hit them. I seem sweet and innocent, as someone that can hold them off for a bit, while they're bored. Waiting for someone dangerous and exciting comes along.They come to me with no intention of making it something worthwhile. I'm a good laugh.
But you know..I'm fucking tired of being THAT girl. Maybe I don't want to be the sweet, innocent girl who cares too much and gives so much more. Maybe I want to have a reckless night and not remember a damn thing in the morning. Maybe I want to hurt someone...Maybe..Maybe..Maybe....
The sad thing is....I know I can never be THAT girl. It would be so out of character for myself. People honestly wouldn't know what to think. They become my friend because I'm not THAT girl. They stay my friend because I'm not THAT girl. Boys in particular. I'm the next door neighbor, best friend because I'm not THAT girl.
But if I was..would I be happy? Would I be better than I am now? Probably not. I'd probably end up hating myself or just being disgusted with myself. Wondering how I ended up BEING that girl. Looking back and wondering how I got there. I'd end up with the same type of boy I always said I hated. I'd end up with a boy that is EXACTLY like myself. If they do it for you, they'll do it to you. Do I want to put myself through that? No I don't. and that fact I won't ever be THAT girl...I could never put another person through that. I can't be the one to know I caused someone else pain. I don't want to break hearts. I don't want to fuck around. I don't want to give false hope. I don't want to anything I just mentioned.
I really just want to feel alive. For once..in a very long time. I want to take a trip. Whether it be just to the coast or across the country. I just want to drive. Be daring. Take a leap of faith once in awhile. I want to sleep on the beach and see the sunrise. I want to spend the night with someone I don't know and just follow instincts. No regrets. ********************************************************************************************
I want to spend a rainy day holed up in bed with someone,a love,and just rediscover everything we'd forgotten. Feel every touch. Every kiss. Every move.Every pull. Just everything. The electric hum of the closeness of us. Let the sparks fly and not give a damn. Let you in again and again. I just want to feel. Touch. Know. Explore. Taste. Forget. Remember. A sensual dance on repeat because there's no place we'd rather be. Lock all the doors unplug the phone and just feel. Close every wound from people in our pasts. Be better than we were years prior. Be better for each other.
I want to have passion and romance and love and instincts to forget. Someone who will bring me to the horizon and over the edge. Tell me I'm beautiful when I cry. Forgive me when I make a mistake. Be okay when the nights come that I'd rather just be held. Know that when I'm angry with you it's most likely because I'm angry with myself. The person I can tell all of my secrets to and know that they'll keep them forever and a day. I can tell my fears to, no matter how ridiculous and know that they'd be there to help me overcome and embrace them.
I want to stop wanting all of these things as well though. Am I serious right now? Like I'd end up with these things. I should stop reading all these books. They give a false sense of reality hahah.
Then again..Why CAN'T I have all of these things? Who's to say I don't already have them? I don't know what's in store for myself. I know i deserve the best. Why should I settle? I won't settle. I'll have everything I want. why? because I believe in it. I know it's out there. I know he's out there. I know your out there. I know you're here. .... I guess I should add that I want..well...need someone that can put up with me. Bring me back to reality when I let my mind run away.
This where I come full circle to the whole I want to only feel one thing at a time. I need to just let things be as they are. Everything will work out the way they're supposed to. No matter the outcome I have to accept it. I shouldn't put so much stock into this. Things happen. People change. People grow. Fall in and out of love.
That's the bottom line I assume. Love. It's the best worst thing to ever happen to someone like me. But loving someone and being IN love with someone are two totally different things. "Those three words, are said too much..but not enough" Mean it. Make sure you mean it before you say it. and if you've said it...make it sure it feels right everytime you do say it. If you ever need to question it, then it isn't real. Take it back in the easiest way possible. Those are just my words of advice to you all. When you have plenty of sleepless nights you ponder things. I came up with this. By no means is it original, but sometimes people forget. Take with it what you will.
Live free. Love true. Dream wonders.
Ames
But you know..I'm fucking tired of being THAT girl. Maybe I don't want to be the sweet, innocent girl who cares too much and gives so much more. Maybe I want to have a reckless night and not remember a damn thing in the morning. Maybe I want to hurt someone...Maybe..Maybe..Maybe....
The sad thing is....I know I can never be THAT girl. It would be so out of character for myself. People honestly wouldn't know what to think. They become my friend because I'm not THAT girl. They stay my friend because I'm not THAT girl. Boys in particular. I'm the next door neighbor, best friend because I'm not THAT girl.
But if I was..would I be happy? Would I be better than I am now? Probably not. I'd probably end up hating myself or just being disgusted with myself. Wondering how I ended up BEING that girl. Looking back and wondering how I got there. I'd end up with the same type of boy I always said I hated. I'd end up with a boy that is EXACTLY like myself. If they do it for you, they'll do it to you. Do I want to put myself through that? No I don't. and that fact I won't ever be THAT girl...I could never put another person through that. I can't be the one to know I caused someone else pain. I don't want to break hearts. I don't want to fuck around. I don't want to give false hope. I don't want to anything I just mentioned.
I really just want to feel alive. For once..in a very long time. I want to take a trip. Whether it be just to the coast or across the country. I just want to drive. Be daring. Take a leap of faith once in awhile. I want to sleep on the beach and see the sunrise. I want to spend the night with someone I don't know and just follow instincts. No regrets. ********************************************************************************************
I want to spend a rainy day holed up in bed with someone,a love,and just rediscover everything we'd forgotten. Feel every touch. Every kiss. Every move.Every pull. Just everything. The electric hum of the closeness of us. Let the sparks fly and not give a damn. Let you in again and again. I just want to feel. Touch. Know. Explore. Taste. Forget. Remember. A sensual dance on repeat because there's no place we'd rather be. Lock all the doors unplug the phone and just feel. Close every wound from people in our pasts. Be better than we were years prior. Be better for each other.
I want to have passion and romance and love and instincts to forget. Someone who will bring me to the horizon and over the edge. Tell me I'm beautiful when I cry. Forgive me when I make a mistake. Be okay when the nights come that I'd rather just be held. Know that when I'm angry with you it's most likely because I'm angry with myself. The person I can tell all of my secrets to and know that they'll keep them forever and a day. I can tell my fears to, no matter how ridiculous and know that they'd be there to help me overcome and embrace them.
I want to stop wanting all of these things as well though. Am I serious right now? Like I'd end up with these things. I should stop reading all these books. They give a false sense of reality hahah.
Then again..Why CAN'T I have all of these things? Who's to say I don't already have them? I don't know what's in store for myself. I know i deserve the best. Why should I settle? I won't settle. I'll have everything I want. why? because I believe in it. I know it's out there. I know he's out there. I know your out there. I know you're here. .... I guess I should add that I want..well...need someone that can put up with me. Bring me back to reality when I let my mind run away.
This where I come full circle to the whole I want to only feel one thing at a time. I need to just let things be as they are. Everything will work out the way they're supposed to. No matter the outcome I have to accept it. I shouldn't put so much stock into this. Things happen. People change. People grow. Fall in and out of love.
That's the bottom line I assume. Love. It's the best worst thing to ever happen to someone like me. But loving someone and being IN love with someone are two totally different things. "Those three words, are said too much..but not enough" Mean it. Make sure you mean it before you say it. and if you've said it...make it sure it feels right everytime you do say it. If you ever need to question it, then it isn't real. Take it back in the easiest way possible. Those are just my words of advice to you all. When you have plenty of sleepless nights you ponder things. I came up with this. By no means is it original, but sometimes people forget. Take with it what you will.
Live free. Love true. Dream wonders.
Ames
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