I've got a lot to say....so here...a bit of truth for you.

Watch it all fall apart

Like shattering glass.

This world is going quickly

So aggravating, frustrating

This world as it falls,

Falls in front of us.

Travel home.

So take me home.

And if your arms are home,

Then I wish I was always home

Sleeping there, Dreaming there,

Staying warm forever.

So only you And I,

know how it feels,

Unconditionally, no expiration,

Loving you forever.

It makes me more than happy

To know someone shares

That happiness with me.

Because right there

As my best friend and

So much more, Your arms

Seem to be the only

Safe place....

Anymore."

Remember how I said I wouldn't speak of love if it doesn't exist? Well that was complete and utter bullshit. Is it difficult? Fuck yes it is. But We don't choose who we love..it just happens.

So you..you just happend. That's the best way I can explain it. I didn't ask for it. I didn't say pleaseohpleaseohplease let me fall for this kid. just as well as I didn't say pleaseohpleaseohplease let him fall for me. Some act of whatever decided to say "You know what, these two could be exactly what the other needs...okay cool...lets trip them"

Usually what I do in this situation is run a flat out sprint in the opposite direction because it scares me shitless. You want to know the truth...as to why I seem so ridiculous with all of this? Why for whatever reason I blow things out of proportion and over think and over analyze instead of let things run it's course? You want to know what I think about?

I think of how terrified I am. I'm scared. That's why I hide. That's why I pretend. That's why I give you half answers to questions that go unanswered. I'm fucking out of my element. I'm constantly waiting for the moment I screw up. Say too much or say too little. Do the wrong thing at the right time. Do the right thing at the wrong time...IF I haven't already...quite frankly if I were you I would've been gone about a year and some months ago, I probably never would've had the guts to talk to me. Even if it wasn't my idea. Even after one conversation I would've thought "What the hell? She's really odd" then bolted. Avoiding myself the rest of the time.

Now you know me....well...you know as much as I've allowed you to know I guess...which is too little to maybe you're liking but already too much for me. I may be driving you crazy..or you may not even be caring either way all's fair. I'd like a do over though...I want to go back and just maybe not care as much? Maybe not be so impulsive? HA...wait me? Impulsive? That's funny. God I could use another drink.

I'm a runner. An avoider. I keep things inside of myself. They are rarely seen or heard. I keep it light and I stay smiling. But when I'm alone...sitting in a hotel room like right now..I do things like this. Lay it out here. Do I WANT to open myself up? Nah not really...but it's the only way I think you'll understand. Boys and Girls? We're wired differently. You guys don't think as much about what we think about. and if you do you'd rather eat fried worms than admit it. And if you do admit it...it's once in awhile. So unusual it makes us question if it was even real...or if you even meant it.

So yeah. That's what I do. I question...everything. You may say it..and I want with all of my being to believe you ..but I stop after like day 3. This has nothing to do with you of course. Once again..I run. I laugh it off and say this is just one big joke. I sit and wait for you to tell me the punch line. I wait for you to say "just kidding, remember everything I said? I never meant any of it." Funny thing to wait around for right? Well... no. Because it's happened before. I've heard the haha. I've trusted and fallen. with a terribly loud thud. or should I say ringtone. Yeah text message. Destroyed any and all trust for like ever.

Then here you come along, I freak out a bit thinking you'd be just the same..thinking this will go nowhere..how could it? you're forever away. I'll be a reality placeholder.I'd accepted myself as such. But then....it starts to mean something...I don't know who it meant something to first but at the end of the day...it meant something. and I, said "Holy fuck? How did this happen" I start thinking about how impossible this is and just all this negative and I laugh at myself for honestly believing it all. and so I retreat. I wave my white flag again. When we don't talk for awhile...I find relief a bit...I think "ah okay cool, this is it. this is that huge punch line i've been waiting for" Do I panic? of course. I don't want to get hurt. However that's inevitable, right? right. But then you surprise me yet again. You don't even say much. We go weeks sometimes months without talking and you come back and just say something as simple as how are you? or I miss you. and I get swept up again. I go "wow. I'm still on his mind. Unbelievable" I wish I could so that. Just openly tell you I miss you or I love you or whatever whenever I felt the need to. I've done it like what a total of twice? since i've known you. I think what it is...I don't want to say it and have you go "oh..." so usually I just wait to hear you say it..

And you know you've always surprised me. Proving to be different than I expected. Everything I hate and wish I could change about myself you found a way to endure and accept and love? That stuns me. I never give you enough credit. At least not directly to you. I think i'm afraid to let you know just how much you mean to me. Like completely. Not these little blog what nots but everything. I can't even put it here because I know there's the possibility of you seeing it. You tell me I can tell you anything..but you don't understand how guarded I am. That one wrong thing will make you go away. I can lose you as someone who loves me and could potentially see a future with me. I wouldn't like it..but I can do it. I just don't want to lose you as my friend. We were that before anything else. So any possibility I see that could make you disappear I avoid..or at least try my best to.

I don't get how you put up with it all. I really don't. and if this is actually a joke..i think i'm ready to be told so. See what i do? I think things like this. The more I think it and say it the more it's out there and who knows YOU'LL start to think it and then it could actually be true. What made me so fucked that I can't just go..." He loves me. you know he could actually be serious when he says it too" I don't get it. Shouldn't i be able to do that? Is something really wrong with me that I have to think every terrible thing possible? and then run for the hills when shit does in fact get real. Isn't this really what I've wanted all along? Isn't this what I've been writing and reading about? An improbable "cruise crush" since that's what everybody called them, now turned into a possibility. It does seem pretty storybook. My best friends are jealous over how "cute" and "sweet" and "Wonderful" this whole this was...or is.... They really can't get over it. Maybe I should blame them for how I am...but...yeah no I can't. Sounds to me like this is exactly what I hoped to find. and here I am ruining it.

I'm not even sure I covered everything I wanted to. But I do feel a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. If and when you see this....Here. Here's what really goes on. This is more of me than you or I ever wanted to know. I'm scared. Bottom Line. Something real happened and now I'm making it like unhappen. There you go. Now you know. and i'm even more scared that you know. This could be the say too much part....fuck it. It's out there at least. Oh. And i'm sorry. for what? I guess just...everything. My stupid stupid obsession of sorts with romantics and love and that terrible stuff. The times I'm just really out of it and seem crazy. The times I feel like complete shit and can't even give you a straight answer. and the times I cry...over you?....which I'm not even really sure why I do. I don't have some claim over you. I cant say "Yep that terrific boy? he's all mine" so really this whole blog is pointless, no? But....yeah...I'm just sorry. I feel it's important to tell you this. Alright. Now I'm done.