We're fated to pretend

I want to go hide again. Start pretending. Do the things I'm good at. Honestly I don't like how I'm feeling. I hate how you make me feel. That's a lie. I love it. Then again I wish I didn't. I feel like It's too much sometimes. Not even from you. From me. I mean shit look at me, I write about it constantly. I sound like some little girl who's got a crush on her best friend's older brother. I just need to shut up and be silent. Keep this all to myself. Hide inside of myself. Pretend. La dee da. Wouldn't that be nice? Ohboyohboyohboy. I certainly think so. I can play this all aloof and no one will know the difference. If you don't know then you don't know. I won't have to feel ridiculous thinking and "talking" about how much I love you. If you don't know then you don't know. See then I can hide.



Ugh, seriously. Am I really doing this right now? I'm talking about how I'm not going to talk to you about certain things. I need to shut up. I suck. Basically. Am I being mean to myself? Of course I am. I'm allowed.


I won't ever be perfect.
I won't ever be the best.
I won't ever be the most popular. (not that I want to be)
I won't ever be the most beautiful/
I won't ever be enough.
I won't ever be....


And you know I'm okay with that. I may not be all of these things to myself... but someone, someday will see these things and think of me. They'll feel on top of the world knowing that my smile is only for them and that I'm the one they'll be coming home to everyday. That'll be the day. A happy day forsure. I think? Ohboy. hahaha. Laughter.

Wait...Actually that's a terrifying thought. Who thinks about that?? This person does I guess, but like.. isn't that scary? Who enjoys saying "Yup I get to go home to my boy today yeee!" OR "Yup I get to home to see my beautiful girl today, best part of my day".......
Oh.
Wait.
I .
probably.
would....


Merp. My grandparents do actually. It's the sweetest thing in the whole world. But they've had years and years of practice. I'm just trying to make in past all of this. But what is this?
Goodness why am I not really high while writing this?? It would make so much more sense. But no. I have to just be super tired and super pathetic.


I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish this all made sense. None of it does. I could ask "Why?" but that'd be stupid. Sometimes NOT knowing is better than knowing. I think my soul is too old for me. I think about things no normal 17 year should be. Yet alas, here I am. Grrrr. It really frustrates me.

Seemingly so wrong. Yet never felt more right. Urghg. How is that possible?


I guess I've just got to take it with a grain of salt though.

Nothing lasts forever.

I should cherish the hopeful one I've got, yeah? yeah. Okay.

So here I go. I'll keep things to myself, and go on thinking nothing of it. It'll make things easier trust me.
Not that it matters, there's no point in knowing. I don't understand. You're right. and I never will. and that just may be okay by me.


So hey.... We're fated to pretend, yeah?