WOW NEW BLOG POST AH!!

HAI GUYS HAI!!!

So it's been FFFOOORREEEVVVEERR since I've written anything here haha.

I doubt anyone even still reads this haha.

I'm feelin' nostalgic tonight.
Also kinda freaking out about moving for college.

SO I'm not even sure what to write about.

Time is speeding by so fast.
Things have changed.

For better? or for worse?

No clue.

But I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Cover of The Girl by City&Colour

So..I did a cover of this song :D

It's really quite a shame...

this whole us being friends thing never worked out. I still think you're super. And seeing as we've both moved on...hmm oh well...to each his own. I wish you the best.

Guys, guys, guys!!!

I'm happy. Genuinely happy.

I swore I learned from the last one so I'm being extra careful to not make the same mistake. And it's working :) granted the situations are different....but it's working all the same. It frightens a bit. Especially if people try and give shit for this. That'll just piss me off because it's not fair.
"Every sinner has a future and every saint has a past"

My past doesn't define me. It's shaped me. I'm smarter now.

So I'm continuing with my not waiting and being happy.

Update complete :)

I said I wasn't going to wait forever.

So with so much apparently left unsaid... how am I the one making a mistake?

Actions speak louder than words?

Heh. Yeah. Your actions told me everything you felt loud and clear. You never had to say it.
I already knew.

But whatever.

My rant is done.

Maye future selves can work out this shit we've created.

Who knows.

Until then. Imma be happy.

I can't hold on and wait forever.

If you're not coming back, shouldn't I move on?
That's what you wanted right?

Why do we do this to one another?

We're not going to be together. You said so yourself.
Why must we find ways to indirectly hurt one another in our own twisted way?
I fucking hate this.
But change won't happen unless we fucking commit to something.
Otherwise we're just proving the point that some things never change.
I'm tired of this.
But like I've said.
I 1. Won't ask you to stay if you don't want to
And 2. I'm not fighting someone who's gonna fight me every step of the way.
I just can't. Even if I feel very strongly about them.
Two stubborn people.
There only needs to be one, so okay.
I drop out of the game.
I'll figure this out when you're good and ready.


latenightventing. Sorry.

We play a really nice game of pretend.

A Passing Thought

There are nights like these
When I remember all
that we wanted to be.

I think of the words
That went unheard
And all the times I've tried.

Yet, my mouth mirrored
My heart and said
"Keep closed you must"
So maybe we're better off dead.

I sat here alone,
Played a song in my ears
And I realized it's okay if you never hear.

I wanted to miss you,
But there lies the issue,
I shouldn't miss what doesn't
Want to be remembered.

A passing thought
Is all that we've got
Too much to say,
Too little, too late.

No I am not bitter
I'll just think of that night in November
Where everything fell into place.

La dee da.
I wanted to write a poem, but it kinda failed. I'm leaving it though.

Advice I needed...

So simple but hard to actually do...

However, it was...

"Stop caring about shit that doesn't care about you"

It's hard, but I can do it.

Growing tired of this.

I guess some things never change.
Whatever.

So sometimes...

I'll just sit here and think about myself, and how I've turned out.

But right now..I'm sitting here about to turn 18 and I'm thinking about all that has happened in the past year.
I didn't think I would be any different, but so much has happened and I feel that I am.
I've lost a lot of very important/close people...and well...as much as it sucks..
Things happen, people change, people grow.

I'm going into this new month, this new year of life, and just this renewal of sorts.

I want to renew what I've lost. Renew who I've lost.
I don't just mean with Adam, because well... I haven't much hope there at the moment...
But I'm not fighting with him anymore.

I want to renew myself really. That's who I've really lost through this whole ordeal called life..
Along this past year..maybe years? (it coulda been a long time coming) ...
I don't even know what I'm saying.
I've just realized so much time has been wasted on pointless....everything.
I'm ready to just go back to normal.
This doesn't matter too much anymore.
This SHOULDN'T matter too much anymore.
Hmmm....
Okay. I'm going to renew myself and be the me I know me to be.
As for anything else, well...only time will tell.

Sometimes I second guess.

OH! But a realization...(aka rant, safe place secrets)

SPEAKING of my ex and apparent things I don't remember saying....

I think I've finally come to terms with this whole ordeal.

I can sit here and think about us and not feel mad or upset or any of that...well..sometimes it's hard, but more often than not now a days I've been okay.

because truth is? No matter what people try and tell me about "Oh, if you want him you need to fight for him, you can still be together" blah blah blah.... Fact of the matter is, No. If he wanted me to do anything along those lines he would step up and tell me.

What am I supposed to be waiting for if he's made up his mind? Am I right? Yes.
Look guys, if he wanted to be with me, he would be.

He knows how I feel and what I wish to be, but you know he's scared (quite frankly I am too) and he just finds it best to not step in that direction again.

For once..? I can honestly say that's okay.

I'm not going to fight for someone who is going to fight against me every step of the way.

So...he can go his way and I will go mine. The universe puts us in odd situations so from now on I'll just leave it up to that. I'll do what I have to, but I won't do anymore or any less.

That awkward moment when...

You get told you went up to your ex and told them "I just really love you a lot"


Uh-Oh. Did I really? I sure hope not.

Awwkkkwwwaarrrddd Ttttuuurrrttllllleeee.

The cool thing is...?

At least for 3, 10 minute incriments we're able to let ourselves just be completely happy and in love with one another.

Random 3 am thought.

Goodnight. Sweet dreams.

Not that it matters...

But you're losing me.

Slowly...very slowly..

But I feel it happening.

But again, not that it matters.

If You Don't Want To Love Me

"When you lower me down
So deep that I, I can't get out
And when you're lost, lost and alone
Yes, you'd think it was the last place
You'd come back for more

If you don't want to love me,
Then don't push me away
You'd rather blow out the lights
You can watch it all fade
But I'm going nowhere

I'm gonna stay
When you just wanna fight
When you're closing your eyes
Cause you don't wanna love me

I'm gonna stay
You can't push me too far
There's no space in my heart
Where I don't wanna love you

And when there's no, no storm
Then how can I feel the calm?
If there's nothing, nothing left to lose
Then what is this feeling
That keeps on bringing me back to you

So I'm gonna stay
When you just wanna fight
And you're closing your eyes
Cause you don't wanna love me

So I'm gonna stay, yes I will
You can't push me too far
There's no space in my heart
Where I don't wanna love yuo

If you asked me to leave
And I walked away
We'd still be alone
And we'd still be afraid
I'm going nowhere
I'm going nowhere

Cause I'm gonna stay
When you just wanna fight
And there's tears in your eyes
Cause you don't wanna love me

I'm gonna stay
All the tears that I've cried
I could leave them to dry
If you don't wanna love me
I could leave them to dry
If you don't wanna love me.

fiohdsfhifohid

What AM I supposed to do..?

Go.. "Oh, hey. Here's my heart, EVEN THOUH you don't want it."

comeonepeople.

Jumbled ramblings...

Is it okay to be confused..? I just don't get it.

Why is this still an issue..? I thought we settled everything.
The feelings are unreturned...so why are you still all igfhighiogh about it?

Are you not being honest with yourself?

I had a dream last night that we had an argument.

It ended this way:

"What is so wrong with the idea that you could actually be happy with me?"

but really.. is the mere possibility just so absurd to you?

I have tried to block these feelings..but I've realized you feel a lot better when you just say
"Okay. Fine, I'll allow myself to feel...no matter what happens"

So look, what I feel isn't what you feel anymore. Okay. that's fine.

It's easier to accept because I've allowed myself to feel what I feel for you.
At least I know I put it out there.

Whatever.
Ignore the ramblings.

Side note...

I dunno why but I feel like crying. Probably cause i'm so tired.

I feel like I'm doing something wrong, when really I'm just sorta..here..? I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to do.

Let's all just be honest with ourselves for a second. No matter how scary.

Late night ramblings.

Safe Space 5....Aka Late night thoughts..

That moment when you try to convince yourself not to love someone.

It's not that it bothers me, I'd love if I were allowed.
I just don't want what I feel to affect you anymore than it does.

Not that any of it matters.

Just ramblings of a confused mind.

Nevermind me.

Dear Future Boyfriend,

Can we just build a fort and watch StarKid Productions? Or just cuddle and listen to Michael Buble?
I just want to feel safe and comfortable, and I know it your arms and with your smile I'll be able to.
Am I weird? yes, yes I am. Deal with it..?
Remember I just want to love you :)
Love,
   Me.

My head or my heart.

Which would you listen to..?

"Oh miscommunications,
Simple complications
lead to fall out.
So many things I wish
You knew.
So many walls up,
I can't break through."

What do I even say...?

So, we just closed weekend one of out show Becoming Memories. It went swimmingly might I add. Everyone in my class is so EXTREMELY talented and it's just an honor to work with them. It really brings me so much joy. I love falling back in love with my passion. It's a great feeling, ya know? It kinda solidifies the fact I'm making the perfect life choice.

Even if my dad doesn't think so. Whatever.

Which reminds me... I was really surprised by him tonight.

I guess people really aren't always what you expect.

I wish I knew how...

To keep my reality and my characters reality separate.

I'm not supposed to fall for him in forreal life.

Counterproductive.

Dear Future Boyfriend

Hi. How are you? Uhm basically, please don't be upset when sometimes, like tonight, I want to be held. Or the times when I DON'T want to be touched. Period. Know that it's not you. Could you hold my hands when they get cold, by the way? It happens alot.

But really what I'm trying to say is.

Be patient with me.
When I try to push you away, warn you of my flaws, tell you'd be better off elsewhere.
When I tell you that things could go wrong...

Please, just, take my face into your hands, kiss my nose, look me in the eyes and just say "Okay."

That let's me know that despite it all, you're sticking around. That we can conquer anything.

Love, me.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Joel: Wait!


Clementine: What?

Joel: I don’t know.

Clementine: What do you want, Joel?

Joel: Just wait. Just wait. I don’t know. I just want you to wait for… just a while.

Clementine: Okay.

Joel: Really?

Clementine: I’m not a concept, Joel. I’m just a fucked up girl who’s looking for my own peace of mind. I’m not perfect.

Joel: I can’t see anything that I don’t like about you.

Clementine: But you will.

Joel: Right now I can’t.

Clementine: You know, you will think things and I’ll get bored with you and feel trapped because that’s what happens with me.

Joel: Okay.

Clementine: Okay

.............Everytime I see this part I kinda cry. It's so beautiful. Is it wrong of me to want a boy like Joel? Joel and Clemetine have been through hell and back, even to the point of erasing one another from their memories. However, something triggers in Joel and realizes he doesn't want to forget. Something brought them together again for a second time (The procedure had happened and succeeded once before this) BUT somehow they found one another again. Except this time Joel didn't want to go.

  No matter the bullshit..He asks Clementine to wait for him. He doesn't know what for, but he knows that he wants her. Even though she warns him that she is completely fucked and will want to leave when it gets hard..

He just says: Okay.

As if none of it matters as long as she's around.

I would like that.

Alright, Imma clear this up.

I keep getting told that I

1.Don't understand how he REALLY feels and that I need to just keep at it.

2. Don't know how much I meant to him.

ALSO:

That they've never seen him so Happy, but the've also now never seen him so upset.

GUYS...LISSSTTTEENNN:
  
   1. Stop telling me things like this.

   2. I DO in fact know how he feels, we've talked multiple times.
 
   3. Maybe I don't know, but what good does it to tell me..?

ALSO:
 
   I don't understand the whole " Never seen him so happy"

I'm nothing special. I'm just some girl who walked into his life. He's had plenty of people who have come into his life. Why are things any different with me?  How about you guys tell me that? I am one person out of many. Why am I the one that apparently had some huge affect on him?

I didn't mean to.

BUT that's beside the point.

The next person to tell me something along these lines, unless that person is Adam, is just.. I will..I be very upset with them. This isn't your story to tell anon people, and it's really making things worse for myself, which in turn makes it worse for him since it makes me go all counter productive and then there's just..just not a good thing, okay? So in turn it all makes it worse for this new plan we're trying out. It's kinda like a business deal..? Is it weird to look at it that way? I dunno, if I keep it that way it doesn't allow room for feelings. So just leave it at that.

Okay, I meant to do this last night but I was just so tired. Anyways, now that this is cleared up I hope I will stop getting random messages. I really do hate ignoring you, but it's too much yo.

Forreal though..

Those kinda looks are the best. They don't happen often, but guys forreal...when they DO happen (and you'll know when because it takes a special kinda person) anyways when they DO. Hold onto 'em.

I remember them all well :)

Who knew...

That communication can actually make things better. Well...make things better personally.

I actually feel a bit better getting that out of the way.

Weird. I'll do more of it. Maybe.

Safe Space Secrets 4

I just really wish you knew.

Knew what exactly? I don't know.

I feel like I've said everything.

My feet still want to be moving though. They've alwats been this way though.

Why can't I just stand still?

THIS is what I actually want. You don't even want it.

So why am I the one running?

Why am I still trying to protect myself from you?

Safe Space Secrets part 3

I have a lot of down time at the moment so imma release some thoughts.
Please excuse this...and please keep it here.

Just go.

We'll keep going against the universe in our own separate ways.

But just go. It's what you want to do.. I'm not asking you to stay because you don't want to.

Why make it worse for yourself by staying in a situation you don't want to be in?

Yay, it's amy. Pushing you away. again. cept this time it's not in the same way.

I guess some things never change.

I just dunno.

Answers? No? Figures.


I'm blaming the rain.

Safe Space Secrets part 2.

I don't think I can do this.

I'm already wanting to leave.

Simply because I don't want to be left. again.

thefuckuniverse what is it you want from us?

Random panic moment.

I don't even know why I care.

This man right here....

Honestly, good things happen to my mind, body, heart and soul when I hear his voice. Especially when he does these beautiful falsetto runs. Darren is a gift.

ALSO this song is just. goodness, sometimes I wish I didn't listen to lyrics so closely.

Especially this part:

"The arms I long for will open wide,
And you'll be proud to have me by your side.
One Fine Day,
You're gonna want me for your girl"

The super lovey girl side of me comes out...

I can't (but really I can, it's okay :]) wait to have a boy that is really proud to and actually wants to have me by his side.

Whoever he is, One Fine Day... he's gonna want me for his girl :)

I've got arms an you've got legs...

And together we've made some mistakes,
But hey, we're doin well.
Well I've got reason to believe,
In the power of you and me,
To break this spell.


See... Darren Criss night. Curses.

I'm going to sleep.

I'm listening to Darren Criss.

My heart is trying to be happy, but I think I'm just so exhausted that I can't even make my brain stop thinking about things it doesn't to.

On that note, a friend of mine brought up something interesting about this freakin universe stuff. Maybe, we actually do know what it's trying to tell us, but we're trying so hard to block it and push it away because we feel that's what we HAVE to do. But it seems no matter how hard we push it away, it's always right there trying to fight for our attention. But we're too stubborn to take our hands off our ears and listen.

Could be right. Who knows? It's just an interesting theory.

That moment when...

you realize the universe has something planned and you can’t figure out what. It kinda scares you, but you just go with it because clearly running from it isn’t allowed.




Oh life.

Safe Space Secrets.

...I mean..really.

I'll go if it's what you want.

I just need to know.

truth is...

I'd care for you if I could.

Despite it all.

Blergh. Okay, I'm done.

sorry people.

itsaftermidnight. What can I say..?

I get a bunch of emotions.

AH! see..energy.

PROM 2011

Ohhai. So this is what I looked like headed off to my prom. Ohboy. I was so nervous, but I felt the prettiest I've ever felt. Is that weird? I shouldn't have to be all gussied up to feel beautiful, but I definitely did.

I had SUCH an amazing time. I just went with friends, which I think was probably better than an actual date. The dinner was nice, but the dancing and really the whole night was the best part. It was the most carefree and happiest I've felt in a super long time. I really was able to just dance everything away. My heart did feel a bit lighter already, but the dance just made it easier to brush off the little bits that nagged at it.

The night ended slow dancing to a Jay-Z song, so really you can't go wrong with that. Two of my favorite couples were just lovingly being lovely ahha. Adam and Morgan/ Diante and Alex are really what give me hope. I'm such a dork, but really..it just shows it is possible to be in love this young. They are so happy and so beautiful....that just, yeah. yay. hahah.

ANYWAYS, the rest of my evening was cool. I had some super delicious butterbeer. The real kind. Word. and I watched Interview with a Vampire.

AND no drunk calls or texts. I'm pretty proud of myself :)

hahaha. Anyways, to top this note off.

Illjustsayimsexuallyfrustrated.

Idunnowhyimtellingyou.

IthinkitjustmakesiteasierifIsayitallowed.

ALRIGHT...umm..goodbye for now :)

This will be good.

So, I think everything that needed to be said was said. I hope.

It's scary as fuck, but I'm not bailing.

Only when it's absolutely needed.

I just. We can do this.

Positivepositivepositive.

okayimdonetalking. sorryguys. Breakthroughsaregood.

I'm tired of running from you.

You're not scary.

Just something  I made up in my mind.

Gonna stand my own ground this time.

No backing down.

If you hate me, fine.

But at least I'll get it off my chest.

I'm not the same kid from your memory

Well you know I can fend for myself.

Paramore giving me confidence. Waddup.

Michael Buble. That's what's going on.

So darlin' save the last dance for me :)


Ohgoodness. Can this play at prom??

I'm super excited!!! Ah!! hahah :D

whatiswrongwithme.

ohyeahits130am.

Why am I awake!!

AHHH!! Dude I am so Bi-Polar. Can we ignore all the previous emotional post.

OHMYGOODNESS!!

I am creating my own happiness. So I'm awake!!

Ahhh.

haha okay,

Alright enough heartbreak.

Open up if you want to. I'm so much different than what you think, but who am I to try and show you other wise? You can believe what you want from the words you read, but the only truth lies in the words you'll actually hear. I know exactly how this would play out because I know what to do this time. You don't care to know it, alright fine. We can shut it down. We're great at that.

Getting through the show and giving him exactly what he wants.

Solid.

RantbecauseIsuckatselfcontrol. Leave me alone.

I loved you, but don't worry. I'll keep it to myself.

Something I thought of...

So..he'd open up to me if he didn't think he'd get shot down again, and he can't do that again? So basically he won't risk it again because he believes the same thing is going to happen. No matter what I say I can't convince him otherwise. I mean honestly, the biggest issue isn't even there anymore. Everything else I personally had wrong with me, I'm working on. I'm not going to be perfect. I'll probably still think he could do better, and I'll probably still be stuck doing things backwards because of random fear..but ironically..he was the only boy I've ever met that said "If you want to rearrange the bases, fuck it. We'll do it" He was okay with those parts of me. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I feel like such a stupid girl.
 
  But people keep asking me why I won't go talk to him and be open with him and well..honestly kinda the same reason he won't. Only mine is I don't want to give him the opportunity to hurt me. I don't want to open up to him, only to have him pretend that everything is okay and then some twisted joke happens where he just did it so he can hurt me. Not that he would..but still..that's what my biggest fear is. It's not his default that scares me or even being around him. It's just this moment right there. Having him know everything I should have told him that night. Blergh. That's why I just sit here and write late at night.
Not that anyone cares to know these things. I just. I'm gonna shut up now.

I'm sorry.

Something I wish.

That all of this is easier. And apparently that's all on me. But that's not fair. I can't do it alone. I can't do it when I can't even look him in the eyes long enough to manage even a hello. Now I mean, it's not like I could look in his eyes when things were fine either, something about someone being able to see my soul freaks me out. I feel to exposed. NOT to mention.. He IS scary. Good side to him or not, he does too good of a job at hiding it.

Guys, can we just agree that I should just follow the rules and do what he wants me to do?  I know I should think about myself here too, but honestly..it's totally fine. I can put his wants and needs first this time too.

Blergh. I just wish. Nothing. I can't even wish right now.

Yes, this is totally dramatic and stupid. Leave me alone. I'm allowed to have a thought process.

A Love Letter

Dear Love,

How are you? I hope you're finding yourself well. Have you found your way into any hearts lately? Can you find your way out of mine? Hahah. I'm kidding, I don't mind you there. Love, would be too much to ask for you to send me a physical someone I can give all this love to? Nothing too serious, ya know? Or maybe, who knows? Sometimes the best loves come from the hottest of flames. Ironic, no? Usually people say a love that's too hot cools rather quickly. A summer love perchance? I've always wanted one of those. It's pretty silly, I know. But, I always thought it would be a lot of fun. Also! That way we know for sure we'd probably be going our separate ways come fall and we can really enjoy the time we have together. And this had nothing to do with having issues with commitment. I rather like having steady relationships, it just makes the goodbye easier. So, yeah a summer love would be neat. Youth is for romance, ya know.

Also, love? I was wondering why you aren't to prominent in the world? I try to find you in my daily life but it seems to get harder and harder to find you. What is it about you people don't like and try to block? Don't they realize it's not you that causes the pain? It's the pesky emotions like fear, anger and insecurity that take you down. YOU happen to be the greatest emotion of all. You endure ALL THINGS!!! Or so I thought..? Maybe only TRUE love does..? My issue is, how do you spot the difference?

Anyways, love thank you for existing. I will do my best to share you more. People in this world really deserve you.

Love,
Me.

P.S. There are certain hearts I'd like for you to let know I love them. You know the way. Thanks. :)

People are really starting to get to me... :/

How can you tell me I'm wrong?

In what I believe/think/feel/know?

Why aren't I allowed to do what he's done?

I get told I don't understand how he actually thinks/feels. That he doesn't want to be like this.

Do you guys see how we are?

Can you honestly tell me I'm still wrong?

Not to mention he's said all of these things. From his mouth. HIS heart.
What else am I supposed to believe?

That it's all an act? Ha. Ha.

Come on guys... I don't want to hurt anymore. I bet he doesn't either...even though I'm not sure how or why he still does..? But anyway.

Just. Yeah. I can't deal right now..

Sorry this is so hshdusjdd.

Can I just say something..?

... This is really just something I need to blurb. I can't tell anyone REALLY, so I put it here where all the random people can see it.

Why is  whenever I get to a healthy point in all of this madness.. when I get to the point where I can say

"Okay. I can finally give him what he wants. I'll stop trying. I won't care. Things will happen when they do. So, okay I'm letting go"

Why is it when I get to that point.. I get told no?

Or told how terrible I am.

Or how I should've told him/shown him/ made it more obvious that I wanted him.

Why wait now to tell me all of these things?
Why wait to tell me when he doesn't give a shit anymore?
Why wait to tell me when I'm able to say "Sure, it'll hurt, but he's right. This is best."

Why wait?

What is it you want from me? I really have no clue.

National Love Letter Day...?

Hearing of this type of day would usually make me go "ohmygoodness!! how cute!"

However, it's made me realize how I most likely will never get a love letter because

1. My life is NOT like the notebook
2. What guy would do something like that nowadays?
3. What guy would do something like that for ME?


If I ever got a love letter though... I'd most likely just melt into a puddle. That means I'd die, but I would be really content if that's the reason why I died. :D

I'm not even sure what someone would say..but it sure would make my life.

It's on my list of "things I wish".

That's right. I'm pathetic enough to wish at times that someday I receive a love letter.

Well, here's to hopin'. <3

It's the "I could use a hug/cuddle sesh" night.

Luckily I have Peeta (the panda), George and Hobbes.

I'll get by alright.

Sweet dreams.

Question..

How pathetic am I for writing letters to someone who has no idea I exist..?

Don't answer that. I already know.

Dear Future Boyfriend,

Just try to protect my heart as hard as I'll try to protect yours.

I love you, I'll be seeing you.

I'm not exactly sure what I've gotten myself into.

I just can't seem to find my way out.

Probably because I'm not looking.

Ha. It's just the business I'm in.

Before I go...

All I ever really wanted to be was yours.

Goodnight. Sweet dreams eurrybody. (:

You're a Hercules, That's all.

There's just something so profound about that line.

I can't quite put my finger on it.

NO FUCKING WAY

THIS. THIS IS WHAT I WANT.

Nerdgasm.

I want this to happen in life. Not even as a proposal..just this would be cool.

OHMYGOODNESS!

Can the voices in my head just freakin' shut up!

sheesh,

This is getting annoying.

Michael Buble will ALWAYS turn me on.

His voice oozes sex.

Yummy.

Itsthatkindanight.

Word. ;)

No one will be watching us, why don't we do it in the road?

I've come to the conclusion

That I am okay. I can totally handle this. I handled the first 16 years without you in my life. I can handle the rest of them too. I can wish all I want that you could be the one I can count on and all that jazz, but let's be honest we all stopped believing in wishes the day we found out Santa wasn't real or when we realized "honey, mommy and daddy aren't getting back together" (cynical I know. Im in a mood) anyway, yeah. If you don't want to be around then I'm not asking you to stay and I'm actually tired of waiting for the impossible to happen. You're no different than what I've encounters before, you were just ..lucky?...enough to figure me out. Oh well. Good for you. A lot of good it does now. BUT again you gotta do what you gotta do. But there will come a time when you'll realize that time just kept getting wasted and that no matter how many times you said "It's not you I hate, it's the situation" I still never believed you because your actions didn't back it up. You really could've just told me you hated me ya know? Cause if it truly was the situation you didn't like I believe you would've found a way to help me fix it. If you even cared like you said you did, apparently not. BUT you know, I really am okay.I know for a fact I will look back on all of this and I'll just fucking laugh and I'll let it be a lesson. Not to let petty things triumph over something much bigger and much more important..I'll remember that sometimes it's okay to go fight for what you want, even if they say otherwise because apparently deep down that's what they wanted from
you all along.

Maybe sometime you'll be able to laugh with me. Who knows. All I know is I can't keep waiting for the impossible. So I'm declaring thy I'll be okay. You don't need me? Then I'll go. And I'll learn to not rely on you. Find someone who will actually be around whenever I go all...well..Amy. Maybe I already know who they are..only time will tell.

When you boil down salt water you're left with salt. I realized that means I am only left with time. I have all the time in the world but really I'm not waiting. I'm okay, and for once okay truly is good. Thankbyou for teaching me things about myself and what I need to improve. Now I can be better for whoever else what's to appear in my life. Rhys what can take away from all of this of nothing else.

I'm done with my rant. Sorry party people I just had an ephiany and I figured I'd share. Maybe this means I'll just say fuck it and talk to him. I don't really have anything left to lose.

Goodnight. Sweet dreams.


Ps this can stay secret. Thanks.

I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile.

I wish you'd hold my hand, when I was upset.
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face, when we first met.



Oh Kate Nash. How I love you.

OH!

But my friend Babs got stern with me. She basically told me that I need to just say what I need to say.. EVEN if it doesn't do any good. EVEN if he hates you more. EVEN if he doesn't listen. EVEN if anything, because it will make YOU feel better. Once I say it, then if he still holds anger that's all on him. That's his problem if he can't let it go. I mean don't get me wrong I know all of this. I've shared most of this with her. In fact she is using my words against me...but I know how this game ends. He doesn't want to keep going in a cycle..but I just want the awkwardness to be over. I want to be able to look him in the eyes when I pass him in the hallway. MAYBE even smile, wave, say hi, hug just SOMETHING. I just. I really am defensless right now. I have no clue where to go from here. It's probably smart to go nowhere actually and not be concerned...but let's be honest..as much as he would love that...it's not my nature. But befriending him sometimes is like befriending a dementor. Pretty damn-near impossible. Or maybe I'm making it too hard on myself.

   However, she also said that even if it doesn't work right now in this moment in time...that doesn't mean it won't ever happen. Wanna know why? because the coolest thing you have is all the time in the world. You guys will come to your senses and work it out. I know you will. Sometime in life. He can't hate you forever, no matter how hard he tries.


So, I let all of that just sink in  I suppose. She makes good points. but...well who knows.

Anyway, I dunno why I shared this. I guess I was too lazy to go get my actual journal. haha.

Still a good night.
Smoot Margaritas and a nice chat. :)


Goodnight. Sweet Dreams.

So yay.

That was a terrific way to end my night.

:)

Dear Future Boyfriend,

I hope you don’t mind taking naps cuddled up on the couch together. And I hope you don’t mind us watching a ton of movies together, just because we can and I love movies. I hope you do too. I hope you like to read so we can lend each other good books and I can write you cryptic little love notes and leave them in there. I hope you can play piano. Maybe you can teach me too. I hope you like roller coasters, we can go on a lot and I can hold your hand and scream into your shoulder. I hope we spend a lot of time together, but I hope we don’t smother each other. I hope I can just drive around with you, maybe listening to mixed CD’s that we made for each other. I hope we have a similar sense of humor because I haven’t found that in anyone yet. I hope we can walk for ice cream together or built a fort or play on the trampoline or video games. I hope you can drag me on adventures and pull me out of my comfort zone once in awhile. I hope we can just be little kids together and best friends and have a ton of fun. I hope you enjoy Disney and Harry Potter as much as I do. I’m sure we’ll have a lot of fun even if none of these things are anything like you. Please know that if I really open my heart to you I’m trusting you not to hurt me. Please don’t shower me with insincere compliments all the time, but once in awhile a heartfelt one would be nice. And please come find me soon, I’ve been looking for you my whole life and I’m rather Looking forward to you.

Love,
Me.


P.S. If you're a Jedi, that's cool too :)

I just got reminded

That nothing, NOTHING lasts forever.

Neither will this.

So I've just got to keep calm and carry on until it passes.

I yike that advice on the forreal.

You guys remember that too okay?

Goodnight. Sweet Dreams :)

Why am I so awkward?

I really should just stop talking and let the chips fall where they may.

I just hate keeping all of this inside my head, and I can't tell anyone obviously..well not in person at least.

No one reads this that would make me worried about the fact they read it...so I'm safe there.

This is my new safespace.

Word.

I'd be sillt to say I didn't miss you.

I just REALLY wish I could say otherwise.

I've never felt a more pointless emotion.

It's ridiculous.

..but isn't it funny..? I see you everyday and yet I miss you?

ithinkweshouldbefreennss.

itsbeentoolong.

butwhatevers

kaybye.

My frenns are in love

And it's such a wonderful thing to see. Just to be around it makes me happy.

Don't worry, I have more of a realistic view now...but still.

I can't wait to say "I love you" and never doubt for a second that the other person loves me too. (:

Hopeless romantic..no worries. I'll get over it.


However, one of my friends love is unrequitted. It's quite sad because he deserves love the most.

I wish it was as simple as I love you, you love me. Remember the Barney song? That's how it should be.

But I guess you gotta go through unrequitted love, lost love, forgotten love, love that has dimmed, you gotta go through all of that so that the moment you have that "THIS is what I've been looking for" love..everything else makes sense.  You realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

Hmmm.

Becoming Memories

That's my senior play and it is so beautiful. I cry about 5 times throughout the show. It's just amazing to think what time does to people individually and in their relationships. What drives man to be so possessive? What causes a man to "love everyone in the whole world" but the one person who deserves his love the most? How can a man be so broken that he would agree to marry his late wifes sister, knowing full well he won't ever truly love her? How can a woman feel so neglected that she prays to God he will simply lust after her? What causes a woman to devout her life completely to God and ministering. What drives a man to promise that he'll return? A woman to defy her parents and at least agree to take a big enough risk that could cost her her life?

As strange as it seems all of these things occur because each person has so much love for their significant other that COULD be destructive, like what is shown in most of these stories. OR it can be one of the strongest ties a person can have with someone else, something that keeps growing and gets better with age. Like an old wine. That just so happens to be my family...Ida and Henry are two of the most beautiful people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing..and well simply becoming. Ida's ability to just give and love so freely and openly..the trust she has in the fact that Hemry will come back is breathtaking. The same goes for Henry...He doesn't have to stay and risk all thy he does for her, he didn't have tontrust that shed wait for him,he didn't even have to come back. Yet he did. Something about that just resonates within me so deeply. To love someone unconditionally. Ida's a person I could only hope to grow to be. We have the ability to love freely and give freely in common, in fact that's maybe where I go wrong sometimes.

I do love for a brief moment I'm able to be that kind of person. The kind deserving of love. The kind that has found someone worthy of her love. The kind that says no matter what we're working this out. We're getting through whatever comes our way because I love you. I love us.
"Maybe that's a case of my wishful thinking" it's gonna happen. :) but honestly Ida has changed me. Everytime I learn something about her, I learn something about myself. I couldn't be happier. I really am becoming better. All of this will become a memory, but it will never be one that I want to throw away.

And honestly as hard as it is... I'm really happy with who is playing Henry. At least we get to pretend. That's just the business we're in anyways :) who knows what's to come?

Anyways, it's a beautiful story. All of it. I'm really happy.

So this came on shuffle....

Did you forget
That I was even alive
Did you forget
Everything we ever had
Did you forget
Did you forget
About me

Did you regret
Ever standing by my side
Did you forget
What we were feeling inside
Now I'm left to forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

So now I guess
This is where we have to stand
Did you regret
Ever holding my hand
Never again
Please don't forget
Don't forget

We had it all
We were just about to fall
Even more in love
Than we were before
I won't forget
I won't forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
At all

And at last
All the pictures have been burned
And all the past
Is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forget
I won't forget us

But somewhere we went wrong
Our love is like a song
But you won't sing along
You've forgotten
About us


..... you know when you hear a song and your mind takes you to a Place you maybe don't want to go? Especially after having such a great weekend..? Well this song did that for me. I can't help but wonder if he really forgot. If the evil just triumphed so greatly that he can't even remember .

Then there's the awkward moment you realize how much you actually did need someone, and then realize what does it matter now..it's not like particularly care if you wish you could count on them.

Josh is right...I can't do this on my own.. But maybe I have to. Maybe it's the only way I'll get stringer and be better for the next, you know?

Honestly? I just hate feeling weak,hopeless and defenseless.

But I need to let it all go. He can forget it's okay. I'll remember.

I suck guys I know. Sorry you had to see this...if you even saw it.

ANYWAY I'm going to bed.

I'll have pathetic dreams.

Sweet dreams to you guys :)

I don't mean...

To make this about Adam but it's super late and I usually think about shtuff this late and I found my old journal and it's hilarious. The first page I opened to was all about this dream I had last year. Hahahah. I was so mad that he called me AGAIN the next night cause I said it wa his voice that made me dream about him. Crazy, I tell ya.

This book is interesting. I'm writing of two different things and people in my life..it's clearly written which way I should have gone, but even I couldn't see it. Oh well. It's funny how easily swayed by words I am though. I never needed actions. I mean, I do now...but..it's just funny to look at where I was a year ago and see where I am now.

Maybe I shouldn't read this...I found an entry from the day he decided to forgive me and try to be my friend...I was pretty excited apparently, but then it turned into the little things I missed. That happens when you spend time with someone I suppose. You realize how crazy you were to let them go. Hmmm.

Now it's how we were really going to try again and how hard it was going to be but "that's okay cause it's worth it. He's worth it. We can do it, I just know it." It's funny how sure I was. Then it jumps ahead a few months and it talks about how he's gone because I was too insecure. Isn't life funny? I go from Being elated that I'm just able to say hello, to having no clue what to do. Deep down I believe I did know, but hey what can you do?

Things haven't changed much. I have to laugh at the universe though. It seems no matter how hard we try to push one another away the universe decides to put us in situations together. I just hope I'm doing the right thing by ignoring what apparently is so obvious to everyone else but me. Hahaha.

Oh dear. Anyways, I'm sorry this is a stupid post. Not even worth reading. If you did okay cool. If not, okay cool. If you happen to know Adam...he doesn't need to know this is here cool? Cool.

I bought a new journal..so don't worry these thoughts won't be public anymore. We can all just relax. "aye it's gonna be okay. Hey we're gonna laugh at this one day"

Who knows.

Anyway, going to sleep now. I get to see STARSHIP tomorrow. I'm pretty excited.

Goodnight.

I'm freaking out...

Where the hell do I want to go to school??
Do I want to live in New York or Chicago??

This is the next stage of life and I just...

I'm scared.

I need a friend

I wish I could count on you.

Then again I wish for a lot of things.

I'm supposed to go out and go get my "big fruit" but it's like...

If you don't want to be around I won't ask you to stay, you know?

However I known I've got a world of chances for you...that if you were to ever miss me as a part of your life I'd say "welcome back" in a heartbeat. I truly mean that. Not even in any romantic way. Just in the oh hey I can trust and count on you la dee da.


I need to stop being a thinker...and write less while it's a bottle of wine I'm downing.

Isn't it funny the things I come up with? I got in trouble for living in s pretend ideal world and now I'm thinking of another ideal world. Reality would be nice, right?

Except reality doesn't seem to allow hopes and dreams and "where would we be, if we couldn't dream?" seriously. I hold onto my dreams. They're a nice thing to have

Am I even making sense? I should go. If anyone reads this I am sorry. I'll be better for you tomorrows tonight is just a night I'll allow myself.

Niiiigggghhhhtttt. I'm pathetic.

Imperfectly Me

So I had a conversation with my friend Chris the other day...he decided to tell me I was perfect in everyway... this is what came from it...


Oh Hello. Hi. Uhm..
How do you do?
I'd like to introduce myself to you.
What you see is average.
Blonde Hair, Blue eyed, Plainly Pretty Girl.
I've nothing that would make a man,
Stop on the street and say gooood daaayy!
Nor am I the type another would envy.

But A friend recently told me,
"You are perfect in every way"
Well this caused me some trouble you see,
Because perfect is a hard thing to be.
So now I'd like to show you,
That I am not perfect,
I'm just imperfectly me.

I am INSANELY indecisive.
But I'm a Gemini, sue me.
Committment? HA!
My height at 5'5 3/4
Can't even say yes to 5'6.

I CAN go long term-Running, that is..
Away from all who matter to me.
I've got a long sleeved past,
But you know not all scars can be seen.

I'm careless with fragile hearts,
Including my own.
I shut up and sit down,
When I'd much rather stand and allow.

Allow the words.
Allow the help.
Allow the love.
Just fucking allow.

I've got walls.
Yeah, but who doesn't?
Can you break them?
Of course not, I won't let you.
It seems it's not worth it.

Still-
The days turn to night.
The nights turn to day.
My hair keeps growing.
Time keeps going.

Faster and faster it seems now-a-days.
The futures coming now,
No slow down in sight.
So here, let me tell you
Who I am tonight.

I am an average girl
at ALMOST 5'6.
With a big enough heart,
But no courage to risk.

I am the girl with a smile for your eyes,
And a shoulder for your head.
Arms for your arms.
Hand for your hand.
Words for your ears.

I am the girl who
Given the call,
Would be there to catch you
When your world starts to fall.

I am a girl who makes mistakes.
Yeah that's a fact,
I'll just leave it there at that.

So Perfect? Not nearly.
But I'll appreciate if you believe,
That this simply, complex girl
is just-
Honestly?
Imperfectly me.


So thank you Chris for inspiring this (:

I performed this tonight at my schools open mic. I was so scared because it is the most raw and honest thing I've written in a really long time. Let alone the fact I've never really shared anything like this in front of some many people. So many strangers.

However, they never reached some ears. And that's quite okay.
 The ones who care and matter most were the truly important ones that heard.
 The ones I always knew I could count on.

Thank you (:

It's one of those nights...

Where I start to wonder...

What's it like to be normal?

What's it like to be beautiful?

What's it like to accept every detail about yourself?

What's it like to be the girl a guy goes "Hey! That's her :) Yeah, I'm the luckiest guy in the world"?

What's it like to not wonder so damn much?

heh..

I wish I could be like you...

Then I'd know how not to care.

Somethings people say or do just really get under my skin. And it's usually concerning this beautiful situation I'm in. :/

How did you let go so easily? I really wanna learn.

Just an update :)

So I'm super excited because my mommy and I are going to have dinner together tonight :) we have date nights just about every week and they're super. She gives some solid advice. I'm really going to miss those when I go off to school. Merrr.


I've been having some really crazy dreams lately. They're so real and it's frightening. I had a boyfriend I'd been with for awhile apparently and I felt like I should know him when I woke up because it was SO REAL! but I have no clue who he is. And I had a baby, but I was my age and just. It was so creepy.

NOW I'm doing my best to convince my friend not to give up on another friendship. They're both really awesome people and I don't want her to say goodbye and miss out on the person. Thy can't miss out on another. But she's not listening :( argh.

Anywho, despite other recent posts life is dandy. I'm doing my best with what's going on. We'll be okay in the long run :)

Lyrics I heard.. I figured I'd share. It's too hot to sleep anyways..So I'll pour my soul out :) haha

"If you are to fall in love
then where should you stand to begin with?
And when the falling's done
how bad should you plan to get injured?
And if you land on your feet
does it count as a fall or a jump?
And does it feel like a fall
when the hands that pushed you
were holding you up?"

Hidden messages. word.

dfhudfhidfIfhhfihreallyidshfishfjusthsdifhdswanthdifhitodusfhihbesdiofhsiablehfvidhftosdihfshdlovehihidyoudsfhisfhih

The end.

Ohhey.

My friend just called me a chickenshit because I won't go talk to Adam. Aren't friends just the best?? haha

But grumble. She's right. We'll see what my gut says and what my heart really decides. Listening to my head doesn't work apparently haha

Ohdear.

Okaytheend.

Parachute - Kiss Me Slowly (w/ Lady Antebellum Intro)

"Stay with me, Stay with me.
Walk with me, come and walk with me
To the edge of all we've ever known"

Holy crow. This is my new favorite song and I am telling the world haha
<3

I don't want to be a big kid anymore.

The mistakes made them were easier to understand. Blergh. This is a self hating rant. It's okay. I'll get over it. I just miss the simple things. I miss knowing where to go in certain situations. I feel like a 4 year old who has lost their mom in a grocery store. I just want to curl up and cry for awhile until a strong hand comes and tells me "shush little girl, everything will be alright. I'll protect you and get you safe" however I'm not 4 anymore. This is a big world. No one is gonna come protect me. I need to own up and fix things all on my own. No matter how frightening. No matter if it doesn't matter. I need to do what is best for me. I don't want to be eaten from the inside out anymore. I know it's my own doing...but still. I don't have to let things conquer me. I can be strong and rise above them, but instead I choose to sit down and be silent. I always think its best. Who would want to listen to a 4 year old anyway? A confident girl of 17. The girl who isn't afraid to stand up for herself and her fears. THATS someone worth listening to. That's someone worth it. Period. And that's someone who I need to be. Someone I'm going to be. Someone I am. I know I am.

Believe in me?
No, wait. It's okay. I'll believe in me.

Can I just say...

There are quite a few people that aren't really in my life anymore and that really upsets me. Some I let go willingly and figure that's what was best. Others.. I just had no idea how to ask "Please, Don't go." without letting them know that I needed them. If you haven't figured this out about me yet, I do my best to stay independent. If I don't depend on anyone I don't run the risk of getting hurt. BUT there are select few that slip into the cracks and I depend on them. Ironically 2 of those people are gone..and there were only 3. (stupid crying and jdjdusjd...means I can't think straight. Fixed though.)

I'm not brave enough.
I'm not courageous enough.
I'm not strong enough.

to just let go of my pride and independent attitude....and from the bottom of my heart honestly ask "Please, Don't Go"

Not that it matters.

I just wish it were easier to get those people out of my heart.
It seems it's just as hard to get them out as it was for them to get in.

What is up wit that?

ohdear. I'm done ranting.

Again, not that it matters.

Honest moment

People always ask me why I can't ever just come right out and say what's on my mind. Why I can't just flat out say what I'm thinking or feeling about something. People often have to pry it out of me or sit up for 4 hours waiting for it to happen. While I admire their patience with me, I can only imagine how annoying it is. Really though? It's not just because I'm scared. I don't care how I feel about t. My main concern is how it will affect the person I'm talking to. When they hear the news or see me or... Just... Will it hurt them? Make them angry with me? Upset them? I don't like knowing I cause someone distress.

So no matter how much I may need to say what's pressing on my heart. I doubt I'll be able to muster up the strength to do it. There's a possibility it's gonna end badly.

Adele - Turning Tables (Live at Largo)

I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No I won't ask you, you to just desert me.
Next Time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior.
Standing on my own two feet.
I can't keep up with your turning tables.


Seriously, it's time to settle this. I can't keep up with your turning tables.

Happy Days

So I've been home for this past week and it's been wonderful. This is exactly what I needed. Despite the minor set back things have been super. I've gotten to see a lot of old friends. Ran into my friend Ronnie. When we were kids he'd always tell me that we would get married. So the first thing he says is "I found you! Let's get married!" hahah I haven't seen him in years it was like some sweet home Alabama shit hahah. However, he also called ne pretty. That kinda brigtened my life. I'm not too good with compliments. Especially when it comes to my looks. So I kinda just melted hahah...anyway I dunno. Seeing everyone has been great. Have I said that already?


Anywho. I've realized how strong I really am. I grow stronger with every step here. There really is something about coming home that puts everything into perspective for a person. I c
really don't want to go back to California yet, BUT I am so ready. It's time to sort everythig that needs to be sorted one last time and have the best fucking 2 months and summer I have left before college.

I've decided to accept nothing less than happiness into my life from here on out. Anyone else game? Okay cool.

So I've been thinking...(ignore this people, it's pointless)

I did a lot of this today. I found myself wishing I could go back to last year and just... Be happy. Not that I'm not happy now, I mean I'm still alive and I have so much to live for, I thank God for all of these.. But last year you were included in the reasons I woke up smiling. Things just seemed so much simpler last year didn't they?

There was just a plan. Something to look forward to. Something that made sense instead of having to wonder how the hell we even got here in the first place. Honestly, this has been going on for so long that I can't even remember what went wrong. However, there's nothing I can say or do to rectify this situation. I'm just confused as to why he shows me he cares about me when it's the last thigbhe wants to do. He really doesn't need to care...I'm quite alright. I wish people would stop telling me to do something. Don't they get I've done everything I can? Well besides just straight up telling him, but let's be honest. That wouldn't matter. He's not too keen with listening to me. You know he's got a say in this too right? He makes up his own mind. Which he made. He made his decision, he's doing what's best for him. That's why I don't understand why I keep getting told to do things. If any of this was what he wanted, he'd do something to help me fix it. However, he's not. So whoever you are help me get over it by not telling me there's still hope. I know there's not, I just don't want to believe it... But I think it's something I need to do now.


I started thinking of how all we ever have is time. Though our time ran out. These two hearts just weren't meant to find one another. At least not now. I don't really have hope, but I sti think we will always have time. If I didn't mean something to him he wouldn't still be angry about everything. I think he'd be able to let things go and most likely be able to talk to me and be my friend. But he's not able or not willing or something. And as much as the sucks, that's his choice. All I can do is think that there will be a day we'll be able to sit down and have a chat and I don't know....be normal for a change?

I'll most likely always have him in my heart.
I miss having his smile directed at me...outside of having to do it in a scene
I miss being able to tell him things.
I miss his laugh.
I miss his hugs.
I miss holding his hand the most though.
Or maybe it's the way he would look at me as if I were the only one that mattered.

Looking back, I don't blame him for not wanting me.
I kinda screwed him over big time, my consequence is having to miss him and know that what could've been won't ever be.

At the end of the day... I do t know I'll believe in something simply because I have to otherwise I'm nothing.

I hear he's happy.

That's all I could ever ask for.

Here's to the future who knows what's in store

P.S sorry for my thoughts. It's just better than keeping them in my head.

Love is Louder

Than the need for control

With that, I'm going to be okay.

I swear to it.

No more broken promises.

I have enough people who love and care about me for me to shake off those feelings.
Alibi have to do is communicate when I start to feel that way.
They understand more than I know.

Love is Louder.

Hey, hi, hello, whoever you are

Fucking stop showing Adam this. Or whatever the fuck. He starts to worry or fucking care or some shit and that makes him angry which in turn makes me upset. He puts blame on himself for things that don't even concern him. I don't want him to care about me. It makes shit easier. Stop letting him know there might be a reason too.

GUESS WHAT! My past is MY PAST. I started for reasons NOT about Adam. He IS NOT, I repeat IS NOT at all any reason for breaking a promise. I have a broken heart. I've survived that before. I'll live through this one. However, my life is ALSO bigger than the fact that I fell in love and can't fall out. Stop. Telling. Him. Shit.


Thank you.

And none if this makes sense

I dkmg get it...why the hell can't I give up? I
This does nothing. He doesn't need me anyways. Why not just get. HeAd start on going our separate ways? It's gonn happen anyway.


Grrr...whatever.

I should put away and go to sleep.

So I..

So I..


just stripped down to my undies and just stood in the mirror for awhile.



I told myself every flaw I had.



I then told myself how beautiful those flaws were.



I told myself everything I loved about myself too.



I reminded myself how I am a person who deserves love.



That I am a person who has so much love to give.



Someday I’ll find someone I can give all of this…



My Mind.



My Body.



My Heart. …to.



And I found a little bit of peace in all of this


Love is Louder.

Remember how...

I said I didn't promise because I knew I would break it.

Welp. I broke it.

I can't make anymore.

 From here on out.

what the hell is wrong with me??

Seriously?...

I work myself up to having so much determination and confidence in trying to actually get things to work...and the moment I start to feel it MIGHT actually be working I go

hfiodhfiuohero dsiughuisghurehguhgio.

WHAT DO I DO?!??!?!

Fight or Flight?
Fight or Flight?
Fight or Flight?
Fight or Flight...?

:/

I don't know if I can do this.

It's a little bit funny...

Rant rant rant.

I honestly kinda laugh at the fact that you thought you were second best. I always felt....shit not even second best...like 6th or 7th best. I still feel that way. No matter how happy I would be and/or how much I would want to be with you, I know you would probably fair better off with one of many other girls who like you. They wouldn't make my mistakes, nor hide in fear. The most important reason? They wouldn't be me. That's why I always pushed you away. That's why I still push you away. EVEN when you're not even trying. I'm pushing the idea of you away. The idea other people are telling me. I'm coming up with every reason as to why not, rather than every reason as to why yes.

  It's not like you would even want to hear what I have to say anyway. WHICH is why majority of what is said is via any other way except directly to you. When I DO talk to you in person, I never say everything I want to because I don't think you actually listen.

I'm running low on time. I know I am. So why would I throw myself out there when I already know the outcome? I know what you will say and do. You've already said and done it. I don't want to jump off the ledge when I know there won't be anything at the bottom to catch me.

The odds of you even believing me are like a million to none anyways.

Blurb.

Alright, this is a rant. I am done.

writing...like a boss.

Mystery Person! Please keep this safe!!  please...

And through my faults I must confess,
I'm just damaged bad at best,
I'm nothing short of being imperfect,
Was there a time you believed this was worth it?

I should have warned you from the start,
That I am careless with fragile hearts.
So tonight I'm determined to get it right,
Stop the ultimate battle of fight or flight.

I don't want to run anymore, unless it's to say hello.
I want to have the courage to say "Please. Don't go.
Look at the time we've wasted, and the bitterness we've tasted.
Running circles round eachother, who was it we were chasin'?

Tonight it means truth, a concept that's so foreign.
With these words, it's my heart that's callin'.
I should proabably keep my mouth shut,
But who's out there to listen, huh?

I'm afraid I'm quite mistaken,
You see my faith is always shaken'.
All the while I have known,
It's been you that I want.


Yet, I'm standing at a crossroads,
Wondering if I should go,
Towards the direction of my heart?
Or off to a brand new start.

These words may reach your ears,
Or maybe you'll never hear.
Forgive the past, is all I ask.
You were never second best.



wow...yeah.. I haven't been this honest with myself..or anybody for that matter...in a really really really long time. What's funny, is I'm the one who always felt second best. I STILL feel that way, even when I feel there's nothing left. Ain't life just a funny thing?

One Wish?

You see that ring right there? That's a Claddagh Ring. They originated in Scotland, this one is a Welsh design however. I have wanted one of these rings since the beginning of time it feels like (but of course.. I AM a hopeful romantic haha.. oh dear)

ANYWAY... Let me tell you what it stands for...

The Crown- Loyalty.
The Hands- Friendship.
The Heart- Love.

SO... You wear it with the heart facing out to represent that you are seeking love. That your heart is open and ready to recieve it.

THEN... when you meet someone that you feel you can trust and that had "crowned" , or captured you heart...when you find someone that you KNOW will be loyal to you and you have no doubt in your mind that you will be loyal to them... You turn the ring with the heart facing in. This lets everyone know that you belong to someone.


Now I know I'm still super young with ample time and it seems as if NOONE believes in love at this age... well true love atleast... I DO.

I don't know where or when he'll show up. I don't know where he'll come from, what he looks like..or hell he could be someone standing right in front of me for all I know...

anywho... My wish? To find someone who is willing and able to conquer whatever comes our way and be the reason this ring gets turned around.


p.s. I am a loser.. I know. :/

Guess who's gonna be okey doke?

I AM! [:
Adam,
If you don't want to love me....that's fine.

"Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothin' but the best for you too."

BUT... if you decide to remember all the reasons you thought you loved me..
I'll be around.

#latenightthoughts #whatupkiddos

I don't believe in fairytales.

They are complete bullshit.

formspring.me

A penny for your thoughts? http://formspring.me/childhoodreamer

I will marry the boy that

Watches this:

TELLS me this:

and then DOES this when I ask:

                                                    :D Imma a loser, but deal with it.

Note To Self:

It's OKAY to not have your shit together.

It's OKAY to not have control over things.

It's OKAY to feel miserable when you need to.

Please, just remember that it's OKAY.

No more, no less. but oneday it's gonna get better.

Justa 1:30 a.m thought

This just broke my fractured heart. :/ hahaa.

Basically....

THIS.

You want to know what happiness is? It’s waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone’s shoulder but their own. You smile, kiss their face in the most gentle manner so as not to wake them. You turn back around and an involuntary grin forms on your own face. You feel an arm wrap around your waist, and you know it doesn’t get any better than this.

Is exactly what I want.

Tongue Tied- Faber Drive (Lyrics)

This would be my life ahha

When I'm With You: Faber Drive

My new favorite band. Yup Yup. Starting with this song hhaha.

"I just need to know that it's possible that two people can stay happy together forever"

Favorite part of this movie. Restores faith in me.

Define Happiness.

You CREATE your own happiness, did you know that?

So Happiness for me would be:
The color the sky is at sunset.
A clear night with stars.
Rockin' out to the Jonas Brothers (deal with it)
Laughing with friends.
Cuddling.
Holding Hands.
Harry Potter.
Kisses on the nose.
Those certain looks reserved only for you. (y'all know what I mean)
My Wife
and my belief in love.
THAT'S happiness to me.

Soo tell me, What's it to you?

So it's true,

Old habits are hard to break.

That's why I never promise that I won't do it again.

I know I'll break it.

Oh sad day....

So I just found out I didn't get accepted into one of my top schools. :/ A little bit of a heartbreak. This school was so perfect for me. It was located in New Brunswick, New Jersey. Only an hour outside of New York City which was ideal because I would have all of the benefits of the city without having to live in the city. (Not that I would mind living in the city, but still)  ALSO your junior year you get to go to England and Study Classical text at THR GLOBE THEATRE!!! OH OH OH! Did I mention it's THE WHOLE YEAR!!!! 

   I would go to a whole new world and meet and learn so many new things. Find a wonderful british man and live happily ever after.... BUT those dreams..at least for Rutgers.. is crushed. This doesn't mean I can't go to London..but still. It just would've been awesome.

I still have NYU to hear from so fingers crossed.

If nothing else I can still end up in the city because I WAS accepted into PACE University. So that is good.

Silver Lining?
I'll end up where I am meant to be.
I'll be in New York.
I'll be back on the East Coast!!!
And I'll be closer to some cool people (:

Sooo....

Yep this is just a little update for you haha...

Basically your bestie Jamie is the coolest ever.

He doesn't know this, but he completely made my day.

I'm really glad he's your friend because he's pretty stellar.

The End. (:

Ohhello...Please help me. (Safe Place. Ignore)

When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath
And the space between the things you know is blurring nonetheless
When you try too speak, but you make no sound
And the words you want are out of reach, but they've never been so loud


Ignore the title. It's not so much as I need help...well okay maybe I do need help. I'm hurting mighty bad right now. Don't worry, I'll get over it. Heartbreak doesn't..well shouldn't last forever. Especially not the heartbreak from this kid. I never expected it though.

Wow. This really sucks. I kinda don't want to be apart of reality right now. I need an escape and I don't have one. I'm afraid I might revert back to some old habits... :/

" When your heart wears thin,
I will hold you up, and I will hide you when it gets too much,
I'll be right beside, nobody will break you"

Well my heart has worn thin, I'm not even sure it's still there. My eyes are tired, my body is tired... This song fits perfectly... except, the closest person I have to even try and hold me up lives back home. Nothing against my friends here... I just don't think they would lay down with me and just let me cry.

I need that. I need something. I need someone.

I don't ever want to love again...

It hurts too much, when your heart breaks.

Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you....over again...

Don't make me change my mind.

CUDDLE TIIIMMMMMEEEE!!!!!

Please and thank you!!! [:

Would you, please?

I'm kinda over reality for a bit.

My thoughts exactly

I cannot even tell you how many times I've had this same thought, about if we ever actually see one another again. I used to be so terrified it'd never be the same. I guess I am still a bit scared of that...but it doesn't make too much of a difference now.

Sometimes, I should just keep my mouth shut. AND my heart.

That way my mouth doesn't end up talking my way into something that I can't get out of..and my heart stays intact if it never opens.


Playing it safe.

I miss the simple things. :/

I would like to go on a date. Plain and Simple.

Esme Kenney.

I cannot believe it's been two years since you passed. I still have a bitter and vile taste in my mouth when it comes to that man. Justice has been served though.


I hope you know my promise to you is still rining true.

I hope you're enjoying the Angles. I can bet they love you.

I miss you all the world beautiful girl.

I'll be seeing you.

I love you.

Marianas Trench - Good To You ft. Jessica Lee

and kinda this one too.

Marianas Trench - Beside You

I know it's strange...but this song is my saving grace sometimes. So thanks for showing me (:

This is beautiful and so true.

You can stop taking quizzes in Cosmo. Here’s what love really is.

Love is still wanting to hold someone after you climax. After the initial euphoria from the orgasm wears off, you’re replaced with a sense of calm rather than a panic. You don’t want to search for your clothes, scramble to find your keys and figure out the best way to tell them, “See ya later forever!” You’re fine with chilling out in bed with the person and maybe ordering pad thai later.

Love is unattractive. It can expose our worst traits: Jealousy, irrational fears, heated anger; the gang’s all here! While it can bring out compassion and tenderness, it can also make you behave like the ugliest version of yourself. That can be okay for a little while, but love with real longevity should be like a xanax rather than an adderall.

Love is not afraid to be schmaltzy. There’s a reason why the most popular love songs are so lyrically simple. You can drown it in metaphors all you want but love usually boils down to, “You make me so happy. I want to hold your hand. I just want u 2 be mine 4ever!” You can be a 50-year-old linguistics professor at Columbia University and still find something to relate to in a Mariah Carey ballad if you’re in love because the feelings are so universal. It’s humbling, isn’t it? No matter who you are or what your background is, love can reduce you to Mariah Carey mush.

Love is an all-consuming drug. It gives us these natural highs we’ve only read about in books or heard in songs. It’s addictive. It’s what keeps us going to bars, drinking glasses of wine, going to that stupid house party in Bushwick; it’s all for the possibility of finding love. In the wrong hands, love can be dangerous and scary. If someone lacks a healthy foundation, love can kill. All of these crimes you read about in the newspapers are usually linked to passionate love. “I did it because I loved them just…too much.”

Love is not what our parents had. In high school, you never wanted to think about your mother and father having once slept with people in the backseat of cars and feeling warm and happy. That would make it feel less special and young. It would make love have less to do with you when, EXCUSE ME, it has EVERYTHING to do with you.

Love is getting drunk with your significant other at a party and taking a cab home with your bodies intertwined. You feel safest in these moments, the most secure. Entering a social gathering with someone who loves you is the biggest security blanket. People leave the party as a parade of droopy expressions and sad cocktail dresses. But not you. “Sorry guys, I’m in love! I’m taking a car!”

Love is fucking stupid. Love is fucking smart. Love is about betraying yourself, of compromising your ideals for someone else’s approval. That’s actually the bad kind of love, but I guess it all blurs together when you’re young or when you’re old or when you don’t love yourself.

Love is your significant other telling you about their favorite album and then making a point to fall in love with it on your own. Love is wondering why your better half loves certain things. You think you can find remnants of them in their favorite films, books and songs, but you usually can’t.

Love is finding yourself feeling protective over someone else’s well-being Love is being incensed with rage when someone or something has done your lover wrong.

Love is wanting your partner to cum. And if they can’t, just say, “That’s okay. I’m enjoying this.” It might be bullshit, but they’ll be orgasming in the next five minutes. Trust me.

Love isn’t always marriage. Marriage is spending $60,000 so everyone can know that someone loves you. You know what’s certainly not love? Debt. In some cases, love can be divorce.

Love is a back massage, a mindfuck, a hard cock, a pair of perfect breasts, of feeling unashamed about the cellulite on your body. Love is someone giving a shit about you enough to argue. Love is not passive. Love is “Don’t fucking touch me right now.” Love is “Who the FUCK were you talking to?” Love is sometimes hating yourself for a second. Love is hate. Period. Indifference is the real killer of love and the true antithesis.

When love leaves you, you should be lying on your bathroom floor with no resolve. You’re smoking cigarettes in the bathtub and crying about everything bad that’s ever happened.

Love is someone seeing the beauty in you and wanting to bask in it every day all day. Love is not guaranteed. We are not owed love. That’s why when we get it, we know how lucky we are and hold on to it for dear life.

So, yeah. That’s what love is. Anyone know where to get some?

"And of course by As You Wish, he meant I love you"

This is a quote from the movie The Princess Bride. If a boy ever said As you wish to me in response to I love you I would probably just drop dead. Well...that's if they actually knew what it was from... but my heart would skip a beat either way.

I love this movie hahah

Last Night Was Wierd...I think I should blog my thoughts less...

Girl moment....

Sometimes I'm not as strong as I appear to be. Quite frankly I don't always want to be this strong held together figure. Sometimes I would rather just curl up in a ball and fall apart. Fall apart while someone strokes my hair and tells me everything will be just fine. Someone to tell me that as long as they're here they won't let anything harm me. Soft kisses on the back of my neck. A hand to wipe the tears. That when I have these girl moments when I wonder if I'll ever be enough. For anyone. Smart enough, pretty enough, sexy enough, ...just enough..that when I have these moments..the only answer to assure me I'm enough for someone is..well for lack of a better word...love making. Slow. Passionate. Exploring and making sure every part of me is cherished..I suppose it's just a fantasy..but It's a nice one.
Maybe I have too high of hopes..but this is my girl moment.
And since I don't feel like I'll ever be enough to deserve someone as amazing as this..I'll dream him up. Meh. Why am I the weirdest girl ever? ...fail on mah life.

Hope.

My Grandparents are two of the sweetest people ever in the whol wide world. Today marks their 38th year od being married and they are still IN love. They don't say "I love you" because it's routine and they think they have to, they do it because it's what they honestly still love one another. They are so wonderful and I couldn't think of two better people to look up to when it comes to true love. I hope to someday have a tenth of what they have.

Honest Moment?

I am terrified right now. For the state of the world. For the families in Detroit who have to watch their home become non-existent simply because the city is bankrupt. For the homeless trying to get by that are sleeping just down the street.

THEN there are the mass genocides/Gorilla Warfare in Uganda and right this very second in Libya. You don't gain power by killing hundreds of people during prayer and giving the okay to rape women and children. The world disgusts me.

I am terrified for the future of my unborn child. I don't even think I WANT to have children now. How will I be able to protect them?

I am honestly terrified.


John, we failed you. and for that I am sorry. (see picture to understand)

Justin Nozuka - My Heart is Yours

I love this boy. He calms me down.

I feel like running.

I don't know, nor care where to. I just need out. I need away from all of this bullshit. I need a new start.

500 Days of Summer.

Is NOT a love story. It truly is a story about love.

Everytime I watch this movie it makes me think and puts a shit ton into perspective. You know we ask the question "What does it even mean..this..love?" and it's true. What DOES it even mean? then an answer "There is no such thing as love, it's a fantasy"

People say there is absolutely no reason to believe in it, because it never works out.

But I call BullShit on that. Love isn't Santa Claus. It's not something you believe in or not. And this isn't even coming from the Hopeless Romantic side of me. This is coming from the realistic just watched 500 Days of Summer side of me.

When things don't work out between two people, we spend a lot of time wondering and wishing and feeling like shit. But really..the only thing that happened between two people is...simply..life.

Life happened. People change and grow apart. You cannot control that no matter how much you wish you did.

So even if you had 500 Days of your own "Summer"
keep in mind there always was, always is, and always will be a Day One.

and then eventually.... someone will walk into your life, and you'll understand why it never worked out with anyone else.


You will travel down SO MANY different paths, and meet so many people. You will fall in and out, in and out, in and out of love.

But at the end of the day..you'll understand it was all worth it..because the one you were always supposed to be with, will the one you crawl into bed next to every night, and say hello to every morning.

Whether that person is from your past, your present or your future.
You can't know what's in store.
So just live and love.