I wish I could count on you.

Then again I wish for a lot of things.

I'm supposed to go out and go get my "big fruit" but it's like...

If you don't want to be around I won't ask you to stay, you know?

However I known I've got a world of chances for you...that if you were to ever miss me as a part of your life I'd say "welcome back" in a heartbeat. I truly mean that. Not even in any romantic way. Just in the oh hey I can trust and count on you la dee da.


I need to stop being a thinker...and write less while it's a bottle of wine I'm downing.

Isn't it funny the things I come up with? I got in trouble for living in s pretend ideal world and now I'm thinking of another ideal world. Reality would be nice, right?

Except reality doesn't seem to allow hopes and dreams and "where would we be, if we couldn't dream?" seriously. I hold onto my dreams. They're a nice thing to have

Am I even making sense? I should go. If anyone reads this I am sorry. I'll be better for you tomorrows tonight is just a night I'll allow myself.

Niiiigggghhhhtttt. I'm pathetic.

Imperfectly Me

So I had a conversation with my friend Chris the other day...he decided to tell me I was perfect in everyway... this is what came from it...


Oh Hello. Hi. Uhm..
How do you do?
I'd like to introduce myself to you.
What you see is average.
Blonde Hair, Blue eyed, Plainly Pretty Girl.
I've nothing that would make a man,
Stop on the street and say gooood daaayy!
Nor am I the type another would envy.

But A friend recently told me,
"You are perfect in every way"
Well this caused me some trouble you see,
Because perfect is a hard thing to be.
So now I'd like to show you,
That I am not perfect,
I'm just imperfectly me.

I am INSANELY indecisive.
But I'm a Gemini, sue me.
Committment? HA!
My height at 5'5 3/4
Can't even say yes to 5'6.

I CAN go long term-Running, that is..
Away from all who matter to me.
I've got a long sleeved past,
But you know not all scars can be seen.

I'm careless with fragile hearts,
Including my own.
I shut up and sit down,
When I'd much rather stand and allow.

Allow the words.
Allow the help.
Allow the love.
Just fucking allow.

I've got walls.
Yeah, but who doesn't?
Can you break them?
Of course not, I won't let you.
It seems it's not worth it.

Still-
The days turn to night.
The nights turn to day.
My hair keeps growing.
Time keeps going.

Faster and faster it seems now-a-days.
The futures coming now,
No slow down in sight.
So here, let me tell you
Who I am tonight.

I am an average girl
at ALMOST 5'6.
With a big enough heart,
But no courage to risk.

I am the girl with a smile for your eyes,
And a shoulder for your head.
Arms for your arms.
Hand for your hand.
Words for your ears.

I am the girl who
Given the call,
Would be there to catch you
When your world starts to fall.

I am a girl who makes mistakes.
Yeah that's a fact,
I'll just leave it there at that.

So Perfect? Not nearly.
But I'll appreciate if you believe,
That this simply, complex girl
is just-
Honestly?
Imperfectly me.


So thank you Chris for inspiring this (:

I performed this tonight at my schools open mic. I was so scared because it is the most raw and honest thing I've written in a really long time. Let alone the fact I've never really shared anything like this in front of some many people. So many strangers.

However, they never reached some ears. And that's quite okay.
 The ones who care and matter most were the truly important ones that heard.
 The ones I always knew I could count on.

Thank you (:

It's one of those nights...

Where I start to wonder...

What's it like to be normal?

What's it like to be beautiful?

What's it like to accept every detail about yourself?

What's it like to be the girl a guy goes "Hey! That's her :) Yeah, I'm the luckiest guy in the world"?

What's it like to not wonder so damn much?

heh..

I wish I could be like you...

Then I'd know how not to care.

Somethings people say or do just really get under my skin. And it's usually concerning this beautiful situation I'm in. :/

How did you let go so easily? I really wanna learn.

Just an update :)

So I'm super excited because my mommy and I are going to have dinner together tonight :) we have date nights just about every week and they're super. She gives some solid advice. I'm really going to miss those when I go off to school. Merrr.


I've been having some really crazy dreams lately. They're so real and it's frightening. I had a boyfriend I'd been with for awhile apparently and I felt like I should know him when I woke up because it was SO REAL! but I have no clue who he is. And I had a baby, but I was my age and just. It was so creepy.

NOW I'm doing my best to convince my friend not to give up on another friendship. They're both really awesome people and I don't want her to say goodbye and miss out on the person. Thy can't miss out on another. But she's not listening :( argh.

Anywho, despite other recent posts life is dandy. I'm doing my best with what's going on. We'll be okay in the long run :)

Lyrics I heard.. I figured I'd share. It's too hot to sleep anyways..So I'll pour my soul out :) haha

"If you are to fall in love
then where should you stand to begin with?
And when the falling's done
how bad should you plan to get injured?
And if you land on your feet
does it count as a fall or a jump?
And does it feel like a fall
when the hands that pushed you
were holding you up?"

Hidden messages. word.

dfhudfhidfIfhhfihreallyidshfishfjusthsdifhdswanthdifhitodusfhihbesdiofhsiablehfvidhftosdihfshdlovehihidyoudsfhisfhih

The end.

Ohhey.

My friend just called me a chickenshit because I won't go talk to Adam. Aren't friends just the best?? haha

But grumble. She's right. We'll see what my gut says and what my heart really decides. Listening to my head doesn't work apparently haha

Ohdear.

Okaytheend.

Parachute - Kiss Me Slowly (w/ Lady Antebellum Intro)

"Stay with me, Stay with me.
Walk with me, come and walk with me
To the edge of all we've ever known"

Holy crow. This is my new favorite song and I am telling the world haha
<3

I don't want to be a big kid anymore.

The mistakes made them were easier to understand. Blergh. This is a self hating rant. It's okay. I'll get over it. I just miss the simple things. I miss knowing where to go in certain situations. I feel like a 4 year old who has lost their mom in a grocery store. I just want to curl up and cry for awhile until a strong hand comes and tells me "shush little girl, everything will be alright. I'll protect you and get you safe" however I'm not 4 anymore. This is a big world. No one is gonna come protect me. I need to own up and fix things all on my own. No matter how frightening. No matter if it doesn't matter. I need to do what is best for me. I don't want to be eaten from the inside out anymore. I know it's my own doing...but still. I don't have to let things conquer me. I can be strong and rise above them, but instead I choose to sit down and be silent. I always think its best. Who would want to listen to a 4 year old anyway? A confident girl of 17. The girl who isn't afraid to stand up for herself and her fears. THATS someone worth listening to. That's someone worth it. Period. And that's someone who I need to be. Someone I'm going to be. Someone I am. I know I am.

Believe in me?
No, wait. It's okay. I'll believe in me.

Can I just say...

There are quite a few people that aren't really in my life anymore and that really upsets me. Some I let go willingly and figure that's what was best. Others.. I just had no idea how to ask "Please, Don't go." without letting them know that I needed them. If you haven't figured this out about me yet, I do my best to stay independent. If I don't depend on anyone I don't run the risk of getting hurt. BUT there are select few that slip into the cracks and I depend on them. Ironically 2 of those people are gone..and there were only 3. (stupid crying and jdjdusjd...means I can't think straight. Fixed though.)

I'm not brave enough.
I'm not courageous enough.
I'm not strong enough.

to just let go of my pride and independent attitude....and from the bottom of my heart honestly ask "Please, Don't Go"

Not that it matters.

I just wish it were easier to get those people out of my heart.
It seems it's just as hard to get them out as it was for them to get in.

What is up wit that?

ohdear. I'm done ranting.

Again, not that it matters.

Honest moment

People always ask me why I can't ever just come right out and say what's on my mind. Why I can't just flat out say what I'm thinking or feeling about something. People often have to pry it out of me or sit up for 4 hours waiting for it to happen. While I admire their patience with me, I can only imagine how annoying it is. Really though? It's not just because I'm scared. I don't care how I feel about t. My main concern is how it will affect the person I'm talking to. When they hear the news or see me or... Just... Will it hurt them? Make them angry with me? Upset them? I don't like knowing I cause someone distress.

So no matter how much I may need to say what's pressing on my heart. I doubt I'll be able to muster up the strength to do it. There's a possibility it's gonna end badly.

Adele - Turning Tables (Live at Largo)

I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No I won't ask you, you to just desert me.
Next Time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior.
Standing on my own two feet.
I can't keep up with your turning tables.


Seriously, it's time to settle this. I can't keep up with your turning tables.

Happy Days

So I've been home for this past week and it's been wonderful. This is exactly what I needed. Despite the minor set back things have been super. I've gotten to see a lot of old friends. Ran into my friend Ronnie. When we were kids he'd always tell me that we would get married. So the first thing he says is "I found you! Let's get married!" hahah I haven't seen him in years it was like some sweet home Alabama shit hahah. However, he also called ne pretty. That kinda brigtened my life. I'm not too good with compliments. Especially when it comes to my looks. So I kinda just melted hahah...anyway I dunno. Seeing everyone has been great. Have I said that already?


Anywho. I've realized how strong I really am. I grow stronger with every step here. There really is something about coming home that puts everything into perspective for a person. I c
really don't want to go back to California yet, BUT I am so ready. It's time to sort everythig that needs to be sorted one last time and have the best fucking 2 months and summer I have left before college.

I've decided to accept nothing less than happiness into my life from here on out. Anyone else game? Okay cool.

So I've been thinking...(ignore this people, it's pointless)

I did a lot of this today. I found myself wishing I could go back to last year and just... Be happy. Not that I'm not happy now, I mean I'm still alive and I have so much to live for, I thank God for all of these.. But last year you were included in the reasons I woke up smiling. Things just seemed so much simpler last year didn't they?

There was just a plan. Something to look forward to. Something that made sense instead of having to wonder how the hell we even got here in the first place. Honestly, this has been going on for so long that I can't even remember what went wrong. However, there's nothing I can say or do to rectify this situation. I'm just confused as to why he shows me he cares about me when it's the last thigbhe wants to do. He really doesn't need to care...I'm quite alright. I wish people would stop telling me to do something. Don't they get I've done everything I can? Well besides just straight up telling him, but let's be honest. That wouldn't matter. He's not too keen with listening to me. You know he's got a say in this too right? He makes up his own mind. Which he made. He made his decision, he's doing what's best for him. That's why I don't understand why I keep getting told to do things. If any of this was what he wanted, he'd do something to help me fix it. However, he's not. So whoever you are help me get over it by not telling me there's still hope. I know there's not, I just don't want to believe it... But I think it's something I need to do now.


I started thinking of how all we ever have is time. Though our time ran out. These two hearts just weren't meant to find one another. At least not now. I don't really have hope, but I sti think we will always have time. If I didn't mean something to him he wouldn't still be angry about everything. I think he'd be able to let things go and most likely be able to talk to me and be my friend. But he's not able or not willing or something. And as much as the sucks, that's his choice. All I can do is think that there will be a day we'll be able to sit down and have a chat and I don't know....be normal for a change?

I'll most likely always have him in my heart.
I miss having his smile directed at me...outside of having to do it in a scene
I miss being able to tell him things.
I miss his laugh.
I miss his hugs.
I miss holding his hand the most though.
Or maybe it's the way he would look at me as if I were the only one that mattered.

Looking back, I don't blame him for not wanting me.
I kinda screwed him over big time, my consequence is having to miss him and know that what could've been won't ever be.

At the end of the day... I do t know I'll believe in something simply because I have to otherwise I'm nothing.

I hear he's happy.

That's all I could ever ask for.

Here's to the future who knows what's in store

P.S sorry for my thoughts. It's just better than keeping them in my head.

Love is Louder

Than the need for control

With that, I'm going to be okay.

I swear to it.

No more broken promises.

I have enough people who love and care about me for me to shake off those feelings.
Alibi have to do is communicate when I start to feel that way.
They understand more than I know.

Love is Louder.

Hey, hi, hello, whoever you are

Fucking stop showing Adam this. Or whatever the fuck. He starts to worry or fucking care or some shit and that makes him angry which in turn makes me upset. He puts blame on himself for things that don't even concern him. I don't want him to care about me. It makes shit easier. Stop letting him know there might be a reason too.

GUESS WHAT! My past is MY PAST. I started for reasons NOT about Adam. He IS NOT, I repeat IS NOT at all any reason for breaking a promise. I have a broken heart. I've survived that before. I'll live through this one. However, my life is ALSO bigger than the fact that I fell in love and can't fall out. Stop. Telling. Him. Shit.


Thank you.

And none if this makes sense

I dkmg get it...why the hell can't I give up? I
This does nothing. He doesn't need me anyways. Why not just get. HeAd start on going our separate ways? It's gonn happen anyway.


Grrr...whatever.

I should put away and go to sleep.

So I..

So I..


just stripped down to my undies and just stood in the mirror for awhile.



I told myself every flaw I had.



I then told myself how beautiful those flaws were.



I told myself everything I loved about myself too.



I reminded myself how I am a person who deserves love.



That I am a person who has so much love to give.



Someday I’ll find someone I can give all of this…



My Mind.



My Body.



My Heart. …to.



And I found a little bit of peace in all of this


Love is Louder.

Remember how...

I said I didn't promise because I knew I would break it.

Welp. I broke it.

I can't make anymore.

 From here on out.

what the hell is wrong with me??

Seriously?...

I work myself up to having so much determination and confidence in trying to actually get things to work...and the moment I start to feel it MIGHT actually be working I go

hfiodhfiuohero dsiughuisghurehguhgio.

WHAT DO I DO?!??!?!

Fight or Flight?
Fight or Flight?
Fight or Flight?
Fight or Flight...?

:/

I don't know if I can do this.

It's a little bit funny...

Rant rant rant.

I honestly kinda laugh at the fact that you thought you were second best. I always felt....shit not even second best...like 6th or 7th best. I still feel that way. No matter how happy I would be and/or how much I would want to be with you, I know you would probably fair better off with one of many other girls who like you. They wouldn't make my mistakes, nor hide in fear. The most important reason? They wouldn't be me. That's why I always pushed you away. That's why I still push you away. EVEN when you're not even trying. I'm pushing the idea of you away. The idea other people are telling me. I'm coming up with every reason as to why not, rather than every reason as to why yes.

  It's not like you would even want to hear what I have to say anyway. WHICH is why majority of what is said is via any other way except directly to you. When I DO talk to you in person, I never say everything I want to because I don't think you actually listen.

I'm running low on time. I know I am. So why would I throw myself out there when I already know the outcome? I know what you will say and do. You've already said and done it. I don't want to jump off the ledge when I know there won't be anything at the bottom to catch me.

The odds of you even believing me are like a million to none anyways.

Blurb.

Alright, this is a rant. I am done.

writing...like a boss.

Mystery Person! Please keep this safe!!  please...

And through my faults I must confess,
I'm just damaged bad at best,
I'm nothing short of being imperfect,
Was there a time you believed this was worth it?

I should have warned you from the start,
That I am careless with fragile hearts.
So tonight I'm determined to get it right,
Stop the ultimate battle of fight or flight.

I don't want to run anymore, unless it's to say hello.
I want to have the courage to say "Please. Don't go.
Look at the time we've wasted, and the bitterness we've tasted.
Running circles round eachother, who was it we were chasin'?

Tonight it means truth, a concept that's so foreign.
With these words, it's my heart that's callin'.
I should proabably keep my mouth shut,
But who's out there to listen, huh?

I'm afraid I'm quite mistaken,
You see my faith is always shaken'.
All the while I have known,
It's been you that I want.


Yet, I'm standing at a crossroads,
Wondering if I should go,
Towards the direction of my heart?
Or off to a brand new start.

These words may reach your ears,
Or maybe you'll never hear.
Forgive the past, is all I ask.
You were never second best.



wow...yeah.. I haven't been this honest with myself..or anybody for that matter...in a really really really long time. What's funny, is I'm the one who always felt second best. I STILL feel that way, even when I feel there's nothing left. Ain't life just a funny thing?

One Wish?

You see that ring right there? That's a Claddagh Ring. They originated in Scotland, this one is a Welsh design however. I have wanted one of these rings since the beginning of time it feels like (but of course.. I AM a hopeful romantic haha.. oh dear)

ANYWAY... Let me tell you what it stands for...

The Crown- Loyalty.
The Hands- Friendship.
The Heart- Love.

SO... You wear it with the heart facing out to represent that you are seeking love. That your heart is open and ready to recieve it.

THEN... when you meet someone that you feel you can trust and that had "crowned" , or captured you heart...when you find someone that you KNOW will be loyal to you and you have no doubt in your mind that you will be loyal to them... You turn the ring with the heart facing in. This lets everyone know that you belong to someone.


Now I know I'm still super young with ample time and it seems as if NOONE believes in love at this age... well true love atleast... I DO.

I don't know where or when he'll show up. I don't know where he'll come from, what he looks like..or hell he could be someone standing right in front of me for all I know...

anywho... My wish? To find someone who is willing and able to conquer whatever comes our way and be the reason this ring gets turned around.


p.s. I am a loser.. I know. :/

Guess who's gonna be okey doke?

I AM! [:
Adam,
If you don't want to love me....that's fine.

"Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothin' but the best for you too."

BUT... if you decide to remember all the reasons you thought you loved me..
I'll be around.

#latenightthoughts #whatupkiddos

I don't believe in fairytales.

They are complete bullshit.

formspring.me

A penny for your thoughts? http://formspring.me/childhoodreamer

I will marry the boy that

Watches this:

TELLS me this:

and then DOES this when I ask:

                                                    :D Imma a loser, but deal with it.