So I've been thinking...(ignore this people, it's pointless)

I did a lot of this today. I found myself wishing I could go back to last year and just... Be happy. Not that I'm not happy now, I mean I'm still alive and I have so much to live for, I thank God for all of these.. But last year you were included in the reasons I woke up smiling. Things just seemed so much simpler last year didn't they?

There was just a plan. Something to look forward to. Something that made sense instead of having to wonder how the hell we even got here in the first place. Honestly, this has been going on for so long that I can't even remember what went wrong. However, there's nothing I can say or do to rectify this situation. I'm just confused as to why he shows me he cares about me when it's the last thigbhe wants to do. He really doesn't need to care...I'm quite alright. I wish people would stop telling me to do something. Don't they get I've done everything I can? Well besides just straight up telling him, but let's be honest. That wouldn't matter. He's not too keen with listening to me. You know he's got a say in this too right? He makes up his own mind. Which he made. He made his decision, he's doing what's best for him. That's why I don't understand why I keep getting told to do things. If any of this was what he wanted, he'd do something to help me fix it. However, he's not. So whoever you are help me get over it by not telling me there's still hope. I know there's not, I just don't want to believe it... But I think it's something I need to do now.


I started thinking of how all we ever have is time. Though our time ran out. These two hearts just weren't meant to find one another. At least not now. I don't really have hope, but I sti think we will always have time. If I didn't mean something to him he wouldn't still be angry about everything. I think he'd be able to let things go and most likely be able to talk to me and be my friend. But he's not able or not willing or something. And as much as the sucks, that's his choice. All I can do is think that there will be a day we'll be able to sit down and have a chat and I don't know....be normal for a change?

I'll most likely always have him in my heart.
I miss having his smile directed at me...outside of having to do it in a scene
I miss being able to tell him things.
I miss his laugh.
I miss his hugs.
I miss holding his hand the most though.
Or maybe it's the way he would look at me as if I were the only one that mattered.

Looking back, I don't blame him for not wanting me.
I kinda screwed him over big time, my consequence is having to miss him and know that what could've been won't ever be.

At the end of the day... I do t know I'll believe in something simply because I have to otherwise I'm nothing.

I hear he's happy.

That's all I could ever ask for.

Here's to the future who knows what's in store

P.S sorry for my thoughts. It's just better than keeping them in my head.