Sometimes I second guess.

OH! But a realization...(aka rant, safe place secrets)

SPEAKING of my ex and apparent things I don't remember saying....

I think I've finally come to terms with this whole ordeal.

I can sit here and think about us and not feel mad or upset or any of that...well..sometimes it's hard, but more often than not now a days I've been okay.

because truth is? No matter what people try and tell me about "Oh, if you want him you need to fight for him, you can still be together" blah blah blah.... Fact of the matter is, No. If he wanted me to do anything along those lines he would step up and tell me.

What am I supposed to be waiting for if he's made up his mind? Am I right? Yes.
Look guys, if he wanted to be with me, he would be.

He knows how I feel and what I wish to be, but you know he's scared (quite frankly I am too) and he just finds it best to not step in that direction again.

For once..? I can honestly say that's okay.

I'm not going to fight for someone who is going to fight against me every step of the way.

So...he can go his way and I will go mine. The universe puts us in odd situations so from now on I'll just leave it up to that. I'll do what I have to, but I won't do anymore or any less.

That awkward moment when...

You get told you went up to your ex and told them "I just really love you a lot"


Uh-Oh. Did I really? I sure hope not.

Awwkkkwwwaarrrddd Ttttuuurrrttllllleeee.

The cool thing is...?

At least for 3, 10 minute incriments we're able to let ourselves just be completely happy and in love with one another.

Random 3 am thought.

Goodnight. Sweet dreams.

Not that it matters...

But you're losing me.

Slowly...very slowly..

But I feel it happening.

But again, not that it matters.

If You Don't Want To Love Me

"When you lower me down
So deep that I, I can't get out
And when you're lost, lost and alone
Yes, you'd think it was the last place
You'd come back for more

If you don't want to love me,
Then don't push me away
You'd rather blow out the lights
You can watch it all fade
But I'm going nowhere

I'm gonna stay
When you just wanna fight
When you're closing your eyes
Cause you don't wanna love me

I'm gonna stay
You can't push me too far
There's no space in my heart
Where I don't wanna love you

And when there's no, no storm
Then how can I feel the calm?
If there's nothing, nothing left to lose
Then what is this feeling
That keeps on bringing me back to you

So I'm gonna stay
When you just wanna fight
And you're closing your eyes
Cause you don't wanna love me

So I'm gonna stay, yes I will
You can't push me too far
There's no space in my heart
Where I don't wanna love yuo

If you asked me to leave
And I walked away
We'd still be alone
And we'd still be afraid
I'm going nowhere
I'm going nowhere

Cause I'm gonna stay
When you just wanna fight
And there's tears in your eyes
Cause you don't wanna love me

I'm gonna stay
All the tears that I've cried
I could leave them to dry
If you don't wanna love me
I could leave them to dry
If you don't wanna love me.

fiohdsfhifohid

What AM I supposed to do..?

Go.. "Oh, hey. Here's my heart, EVEN THOUH you don't want it."

comeonepeople.

Jumbled ramblings...

Is it okay to be confused..? I just don't get it.

Why is this still an issue..? I thought we settled everything.
The feelings are unreturned...so why are you still all igfhighiogh about it?

Are you not being honest with yourself?

I had a dream last night that we had an argument.

It ended this way:

"What is so wrong with the idea that you could actually be happy with me?"

but really.. is the mere possibility just so absurd to you?

I have tried to block these feelings..but I've realized you feel a lot better when you just say
"Okay. Fine, I'll allow myself to feel...no matter what happens"

So look, what I feel isn't what you feel anymore. Okay. that's fine.

It's easier to accept because I've allowed myself to feel what I feel for you.
At least I know I put it out there.

Whatever.
Ignore the ramblings.

Side note...

I dunno why but I feel like crying. Probably cause i'm so tired.

I feel like I'm doing something wrong, when really I'm just sorta..here..? I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to do.

Let's all just be honest with ourselves for a second. No matter how scary.

Late night ramblings.

Safe Space 5....Aka Late night thoughts..

That moment when you try to convince yourself not to love someone.

It's not that it bothers me, I'd love if I were allowed.
I just don't want what I feel to affect you anymore than it does.

Not that any of it matters.

Just ramblings of a confused mind.

Nevermind me.

Dear Future Boyfriend,

Can we just build a fort and watch StarKid Productions? Or just cuddle and listen to Michael Buble?
I just want to feel safe and comfortable, and I know it your arms and with your smile I'll be able to.
Am I weird? yes, yes I am. Deal with it..?
Remember I just want to love you :)
Love,
   Me.

My head or my heart.

Which would you listen to..?

"Oh miscommunications,
Simple complications
lead to fall out.
So many things I wish
You knew.
So many walls up,
I can't break through."

What do I even say...?

So, we just closed weekend one of out show Becoming Memories. It went swimmingly might I add. Everyone in my class is so EXTREMELY talented and it's just an honor to work with them. It really brings me so much joy. I love falling back in love with my passion. It's a great feeling, ya know? It kinda solidifies the fact I'm making the perfect life choice.

Even if my dad doesn't think so. Whatever.

Which reminds me... I was really surprised by him tonight.

I guess people really aren't always what you expect.

I wish I knew how...

To keep my reality and my characters reality separate.

I'm not supposed to fall for him in forreal life.

Counterproductive.

Dear Future Boyfriend

Hi. How are you? Uhm basically, please don't be upset when sometimes, like tonight, I want to be held. Or the times when I DON'T want to be touched. Period. Know that it's not you. Could you hold my hands when they get cold, by the way? It happens alot.

But really what I'm trying to say is.

Be patient with me.
When I try to push you away, warn you of my flaws, tell you'd be better off elsewhere.
When I tell you that things could go wrong...

Please, just, take my face into your hands, kiss my nose, look me in the eyes and just say "Okay."

That let's me know that despite it all, you're sticking around. That we can conquer anything.

Love, me.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Joel: Wait!


Clementine: What?

Joel: I don’t know.

Clementine: What do you want, Joel?

Joel: Just wait. Just wait. I don’t know. I just want you to wait for… just a while.

Clementine: Okay.

Joel: Really?

Clementine: I’m not a concept, Joel. I’m just a fucked up girl who’s looking for my own peace of mind. I’m not perfect.

Joel: I can’t see anything that I don’t like about you.

Clementine: But you will.

Joel: Right now I can’t.

Clementine: You know, you will think things and I’ll get bored with you and feel trapped because that’s what happens with me.

Joel: Okay.

Clementine: Okay

.............Everytime I see this part I kinda cry. It's so beautiful. Is it wrong of me to want a boy like Joel? Joel and Clemetine have been through hell and back, even to the point of erasing one another from their memories. However, something triggers in Joel and realizes he doesn't want to forget. Something brought them together again for a second time (The procedure had happened and succeeded once before this) BUT somehow they found one another again. Except this time Joel didn't want to go.

  No matter the bullshit..He asks Clementine to wait for him. He doesn't know what for, but he knows that he wants her. Even though she warns him that she is completely fucked and will want to leave when it gets hard..

He just says: Okay.

As if none of it matters as long as she's around.

I would like that.

Alright, Imma clear this up.

I keep getting told that I

1.Don't understand how he REALLY feels and that I need to just keep at it.

2. Don't know how much I meant to him.

ALSO:

That they've never seen him so Happy, but the've also now never seen him so upset.

GUYS...LISSSTTTEENNN:
  
   1. Stop telling me things like this.

   2. I DO in fact know how he feels, we've talked multiple times.
 
   3. Maybe I don't know, but what good does it to tell me..?

ALSO:
 
   I don't understand the whole " Never seen him so happy"

I'm nothing special. I'm just some girl who walked into his life. He's had plenty of people who have come into his life. Why are things any different with me?  How about you guys tell me that? I am one person out of many. Why am I the one that apparently had some huge affect on him?

I didn't mean to.

BUT that's beside the point.

The next person to tell me something along these lines, unless that person is Adam, is just.. I will..I be very upset with them. This isn't your story to tell anon people, and it's really making things worse for myself, which in turn makes it worse for him since it makes me go all counter productive and then there's just..just not a good thing, okay? So in turn it all makes it worse for this new plan we're trying out. It's kinda like a business deal..? Is it weird to look at it that way? I dunno, if I keep it that way it doesn't allow room for feelings. So just leave it at that.

Okay, I meant to do this last night but I was just so tired. Anyways, now that this is cleared up I hope I will stop getting random messages. I really do hate ignoring you, but it's too much yo.

Forreal though..

Those kinda looks are the best. They don't happen often, but guys forreal...when they DO happen (and you'll know when because it takes a special kinda person) anyways when they DO. Hold onto 'em.

I remember them all well :)

Who knew...

That communication can actually make things better. Well...make things better personally.

I actually feel a bit better getting that out of the way.

Weird. I'll do more of it. Maybe.

Safe Space Secrets 4

I just really wish you knew.

Knew what exactly? I don't know.

I feel like I've said everything.

My feet still want to be moving though. They've alwats been this way though.

Why can't I just stand still?

THIS is what I actually want. You don't even want it.

So why am I the one running?

Why am I still trying to protect myself from you?

Safe Space Secrets part 3

I have a lot of down time at the moment so imma release some thoughts.
Please excuse this...and please keep it here.

Just go.

We'll keep going against the universe in our own separate ways.

But just go. It's what you want to do.. I'm not asking you to stay because you don't want to.

Why make it worse for yourself by staying in a situation you don't want to be in?

Yay, it's amy. Pushing you away. again. cept this time it's not in the same way.

I guess some things never change.

I just dunno.

Answers? No? Figures.


I'm blaming the rain.

Safe Space Secrets part 2.

I don't think I can do this.

I'm already wanting to leave.

Simply because I don't want to be left. again.

thefuckuniverse what is it you want from us?

Random panic moment.

I don't even know why I care.

This man right here....

Honestly, good things happen to my mind, body, heart and soul when I hear his voice. Especially when he does these beautiful falsetto runs. Darren is a gift.

ALSO this song is just. goodness, sometimes I wish I didn't listen to lyrics so closely.

Especially this part:

"The arms I long for will open wide,
And you'll be proud to have me by your side.
One Fine Day,
You're gonna want me for your girl"

The super lovey girl side of me comes out...

I can't (but really I can, it's okay :]) wait to have a boy that is really proud to and actually wants to have me by his side.

Whoever he is, One Fine Day... he's gonna want me for his girl :)

I've got arms an you've got legs...

And together we've made some mistakes,
But hey, we're doin well.
Well I've got reason to believe,
In the power of you and me,
To break this spell.


See... Darren Criss night. Curses.

I'm going to sleep.

I'm listening to Darren Criss.

My heart is trying to be happy, but I think I'm just so exhausted that I can't even make my brain stop thinking about things it doesn't to.

On that note, a friend of mine brought up something interesting about this freakin universe stuff. Maybe, we actually do know what it's trying to tell us, but we're trying so hard to block it and push it away because we feel that's what we HAVE to do. But it seems no matter how hard we push it away, it's always right there trying to fight for our attention. But we're too stubborn to take our hands off our ears and listen.

Could be right. Who knows? It's just an interesting theory.

That moment when...

you realize the universe has something planned and you can’t figure out what. It kinda scares you, but you just go with it because clearly running from it isn’t allowed.




Oh life.

Safe Space Secrets.

...I mean..really.

I'll go if it's what you want.

I just need to know.

truth is...

I'd care for you if I could.

Despite it all.

Blergh. Okay, I'm done.

sorry people.

itsaftermidnight. What can I say..?

I get a bunch of emotions.

AH! see..energy.

PROM 2011

Ohhai. So this is what I looked like headed off to my prom. Ohboy. I was so nervous, but I felt the prettiest I've ever felt. Is that weird? I shouldn't have to be all gussied up to feel beautiful, but I definitely did.

I had SUCH an amazing time. I just went with friends, which I think was probably better than an actual date. The dinner was nice, but the dancing and really the whole night was the best part. It was the most carefree and happiest I've felt in a super long time. I really was able to just dance everything away. My heart did feel a bit lighter already, but the dance just made it easier to brush off the little bits that nagged at it.

The night ended slow dancing to a Jay-Z song, so really you can't go wrong with that. Two of my favorite couples were just lovingly being lovely ahha. Adam and Morgan/ Diante and Alex are really what give me hope. I'm such a dork, but really..it just shows it is possible to be in love this young. They are so happy and so beautiful....that just, yeah. yay. hahah.

ANYWAYS, the rest of my evening was cool. I had some super delicious butterbeer. The real kind. Word. and I watched Interview with a Vampire.

AND no drunk calls or texts. I'm pretty proud of myself :)

hahaha. Anyways, to top this note off.

Illjustsayimsexuallyfrustrated.

Idunnowhyimtellingyou.

IthinkitjustmakesiteasierifIsayitallowed.

ALRIGHT...umm..goodbye for now :)

This will be good.

So, I think everything that needed to be said was said. I hope.

It's scary as fuck, but I'm not bailing.

Only when it's absolutely needed.

I just. We can do this.

Positivepositivepositive.

okayimdonetalking. sorryguys. Breakthroughsaregood.

I'm tired of running from you.

You're not scary.

Just something  I made up in my mind.

Gonna stand my own ground this time.

No backing down.

If you hate me, fine.

But at least I'll get it off my chest.

I'm not the same kid from your memory

Well you know I can fend for myself.

Paramore giving me confidence. Waddup.

Michael Buble. That's what's going on.

So darlin' save the last dance for me :)


Ohgoodness. Can this play at prom??

I'm super excited!!! Ah!! hahah :D

whatiswrongwithme.

ohyeahits130am.

Why am I awake!!

AHHH!! Dude I am so Bi-Polar. Can we ignore all the previous emotional post.

OHMYGOODNESS!!

I am creating my own happiness. So I'm awake!!

Ahhh.

haha okay,

Alright enough heartbreak.

Open up if you want to. I'm so much different than what you think, but who am I to try and show you other wise? You can believe what you want from the words you read, but the only truth lies in the words you'll actually hear. I know exactly how this would play out because I know what to do this time. You don't care to know it, alright fine. We can shut it down. We're great at that.

Getting through the show and giving him exactly what he wants.

Solid.

RantbecauseIsuckatselfcontrol. Leave me alone.

I loved you, but don't worry. I'll keep it to myself.

Something I thought of...

So..he'd open up to me if he didn't think he'd get shot down again, and he can't do that again? So basically he won't risk it again because he believes the same thing is going to happen. No matter what I say I can't convince him otherwise. I mean honestly, the biggest issue isn't even there anymore. Everything else I personally had wrong with me, I'm working on. I'm not going to be perfect. I'll probably still think he could do better, and I'll probably still be stuck doing things backwards because of random fear..but ironically..he was the only boy I've ever met that said "If you want to rearrange the bases, fuck it. We'll do it" He was okay with those parts of me. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I feel like such a stupid girl.
 
  But people keep asking me why I won't go talk to him and be open with him and well..honestly kinda the same reason he won't. Only mine is I don't want to give him the opportunity to hurt me. I don't want to open up to him, only to have him pretend that everything is okay and then some twisted joke happens where he just did it so he can hurt me. Not that he would..but still..that's what my biggest fear is. It's not his default that scares me or even being around him. It's just this moment right there. Having him know everything I should have told him that night. Blergh. That's why I just sit here and write late at night.
Not that anyone cares to know these things. I just. I'm gonna shut up now.

I'm sorry.

Something I wish.

That all of this is easier. And apparently that's all on me. But that's not fair. I can't do it alone. I can't do it when I can't even look him in the eyes long enough to manage even a hello. Now I mean, it's not like I could look in his eyes when things were fine either, something about someone being able to see my soul freaks me out. I feel to exposed. NOT to mention.. He IS scary. Good side to him or not, he does too good of a job at hiding it.

Guys, can we just agree that I should just follow the rules and do what he wants me to do?  I know I should think about myself here too, but honestly..it's totally fine. I can put his wants and needs first this time too.

Blergh. I just wish. Nothing. I can't even wish right now.

Yes, this is totally dramatic and stupid. Leave me alone. I'm allowed to have a thought process.

A Love Letter

Dear Love,

How are you? I hope you're finding yourself well. Have you found your way into any hearts lately? Can you find your way out of mine? Hahah. I'm kidding, I don't mind you there. Love, would be too much to ask for you to send me a physical someone I can give all this love to? Nothing too serious, ya know? Or maybe, who knows? Sometimes the best loves come from the hottest of flames. Ironic, no? Usually people say a love that's too hot cools rather quickly. A summer love perchance? I've always wanted one of those. It's pretty silly, I know. But, I always thought it would be a lot of fun. Also! That way we know for sure we'd probably be going our separate ways come fall and we can really enjoy the time we have together. And this had nothing to do with having issues with commitment. I rather like having steady relationships, it just makes the goodbye easier. So, yeah a summer love would be neat. Youth is for romance, ya know.

Also, love? I was wondering why you aren't to prominent in the world? I try to find you in my daily life but it seems to get harder and harder to find you. What is it about you people don't like and try to block? Don't they realize it's not you that causes the pain? It's the pesky emotions like fear, anger and insecurity that take you down. YOU happen to be the greatest emotion of all. You endure ALL THINGS!!! Or so I thought..? Maybe only TRUE love does..? My issue is, how do you spot the difference?

Anyways, love thank you for existing. I will do my best to share you more. People in this world really deserve you.

Love,
Me.

P.S. There are certain hearts I'd like for you to let know I love them. You know the way. Thanks. :)

People are really starting to get to me... :/

How can you tell me I'm wrong?

In what I believe/think/feel/know?

Why aren't I allowed to do what he's done?

I get told I don't understand how he actually thinks/feels. That he doesn't want to be like this.

Do you guys see how we are?

Can you honestly tell me I'm still wrong?

Not to mention he's said all of these things. From his mouth. HIS heart.
What else am I supposed to believe?

That it's all an act? Ha. Ha.

Come on guys... I don't want to hurt anymore. I bet he doesn't either...even though I'm not sure how or why he still does..? But anyway.

Just. Yeah. I can't deal right now..

Sorry this is so hshdusjdd.

Can I just say something..?

... This is really just something I need to blurb. I can't tell anyone REALLY, so I put it here where all the random people can see it.

Why is  whenever I get to a healthy point in all of this madness.. when I get to the point where I can say

"Okay. I can finally give him what he wants. I'll stop trying. I won't care. Things will happen when they do. So, okay I'm letting go"

Why is it when I get to that point.. I get told no?

Or told how terrible I am.

Or how I should've told him/shown him/ made it more obvious that I wanted him.

Why wait now to tell me all of these things?
Why wait to tell me when he doesn't give a shit anymore?
Why wait to tell me when I'm able to say "Sure, it'll hurt, but he's right. This is best."

Why wait?

What is it you want from me? I really have no clue.

National Love Letter Day...?

Hearing of this type of day would usually make me go "ohmygoodness!! how cute!"

However, it's made me realize how I most likely will never get a love letter because

1. My life is NOT like the notebook
2. What guy would do something like that nowadays?
3. What guy would do something like that for ME?


If I ever got a love letter though... I'd most likely just melt into a puddle. That means I'd die, but I would be really content if that's the reason why I died. :D

I'm not even sure what someone would say..but it sure would make my life.

It's on my list of "things I wish".

That's right. I'm pathetic enough to wish at times that someday I receive a love letter.

Well, here's to hopin'. <3

It's the "I could use a hug/cuddle sesh" night.

Luckily I have Peeta (the panda), George and Hobbes.

I'll get by alright.

Sweet dreams.

Question..

How pathetic am I for writing letters to someone who has no idea I exist..?

Don't answer that. I already know.

Dear Future Boyfriend,

Just try to protect my heart as hard as I'll try to protect yours.

I love you, I'll be seeing you.

I'm not exactly sure what I've gotten myself into.

I just can't seem to find my way out.

Probably because I'm not looking.

Ha. It's just the business I'm in.

Before I go...

All I ever really wanted to be was yours.

Goodnight. Sweet dreams eurrybody. (:

You're a Hercules, That's all.

There's just something so profound about that line.

I can't quite put my finger on it.

NO FUCKING WAY

THIS. THIS IS WHAT I WANT.

Nerdgasm.

I want this to happen in life. Not even as a proposal..just this would be cool.

OHMYGOODNESS!

Can the voices in my head just freakin' shut up!

sheesh,

This is getting annoying.

Michael Buble will ALWAYS turn me on.

His voice oozes sex.

Yummy.

Itsthatkindanight.

Word. ;)

No one will be watching us, why don't we do it in the road?

I've come to the conclusion

That I am okay. I can totally handle this. I handled the first 16 years without you in my life. I can handle the rest of them too. I can wish all I want that you could be the one I can count on and all that jazz, but let's be honest we all stopped believing in wishes the day we found out Santa wasn't real or when we realized "honey, mommy and daddy aren't getting back together" (cynical I know. Im in a mood) anyway, yeah. If you don't want to be around then I'm not asking you to stay and I'm actually tired of waiting for the impossible to happen. You're no different than what I've encounters before, you were just ..lucky?...enough to figure me out. Oh well. Good for you. A lot of good it does now. BUT again you gotta do what you gotta do. But there will come a time when you'll realize that time just kept getting wasted and that no matter how many times you said "It's not you I hate, it's the situation" I still never believed you because your actions didn't back it up. You really could've just told me you hated me ya know? Cause if it truly was the situation you didn't like I believe you would've found a way to help me fix it. If you even cared like you said you did, apparently not. BUT you know, I really am okay.I know for a fact I will look back on all of this and I'll just fucking laugh and I'll let it be a lesson. Not to let petty things triumph over something much bigger and much more important..I'll remember that sometimes it's okay to go fight for what you want, even if they say otherwise because apparently deep down that's what they wanted from
you all along.

Maybe sometime you'll be able to laugh with me. Who knows. All I know is I can't keep waiting for the impossible. So I'm declaring thy I'll be okay. You don't need me? Then I'll go. And I'll learn to not rely on you. Find someone who will actually be around whenever I go all...well..Amy. Maybe I already know who they are..only time will tell.

When you boil down salt water you're left with salt. I realized that means I am only left with time. I have all the time in the world but really I'm not waiting. I'm okay, and for once okay truly is good. Thankbyou for teaching me things about myself and what I need to improve. Now I can be better for whoever else what's to appear in my life. Rhys what can take away from all of this of nothing else.

I'm done with my rant. Sorry party people I just had an ephiany and I figured I'd share. Maybe this means I'll just say fuck it and talk to him. I don't really have anything left to lose.

Goodnight. Sweet dreams.


Ps this can stay secret. Thanks.

I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile.

I wish you'd hold my hand, when I was upset.
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face, when we first met.



Oh Kate Nash. How I love you.

OH!

But my friend Babs got stern with me. She basically told me that I need to just say what I need to say.. EVEN if it doesn't do any good. EVEN if he hates you more. EVEN if he doesn't listen. EVEN if anything, because it will make YOU feel better. Once I say it, then if he still holds anger that's all on him. That's his problem if he can't let it go. I mean don't get me wrong I know all of this. I've shared most of this with her. In fact she is using my words against me...but I know how this game ends. He doesn't want to keep going in a cycle..but I just want the awkwardness to be over. I want to be able to look him in the eyes when I pass him in the hallway. MAYBE even smile, wave, say hi, hug just SOMETHING. I just. I really am defensless right now. I have no clue where to go from here. It's probably smart to go nowhere actually and not be concerned...but let's be honest..as much as he would love that...it's not my nature. But befriending him sometimes is like befriending a dementor. Pretty damn-near impossible. Or maybe I'm making it too hard on myself.

   However, she also said that even if it doesn't work right now in this moment in time...that doesn't mean it won't ever happen. Wanna know why? because the coolest thing you have is all the time in the world. You guys will come to your senses and work it out. I know you will. Sometime in life. He can't hate you forever, no matter how hard he tries.


So, I let all of that just sink in  I suppose. She makes good points. but...well who knows.

Anyway, I dunno why I shared this. I guess I was too lazy to go get my actual journal. haha.

Still a good night.
Smoot Margaritas and a nice chat. :)


Goodnight. Sweet Dreams.

So yay.

That was a terrific way to end my night.

:)

Dear Future Boyfriend,

I hope you don’t mind taking naps cuddled up on the couch together. And I hope you don’t mind us watching a ton of movies together, just because we can and I love movies. I hope you do too. I hope you like to read so we can lend each other good books and I can write you cryptic little love notes and leave them in there. I hope you can play piano. Maybe you can teach me too. I hope you like roller coasters, we can go on a lot and I can hold your hand and scream into your shoulder. I hope we spend a lot of time together, but I hope we don’t smother each other. I hope I can just drive around with you, maybe listening to mixed CD’s that we made for each other. I hope we have a similar sense of humor because I haven’t found that in anyone yet. I hope we can walk for ice cream together or built a fort or play on the trampoline or video games. I hope you can drag me on adventures and pull me out of my comfort zone once in awhile. I hope we can just be little kids together and best friends and have a ton of fun. I hope you enjoy Disney and Harry Potter as much as I do. I’m sure we’ll have a lot of fun even if none of these things are anything like you. Please know that if I really open my heart to you I’m trusting you not to hurt me. Please don’t shower me with insincere compliments all the time, but once in awhile a heartfelt one would be nice. And please come find me soon, I’ve been looking for you my whole life and I’m rather Looking forward to you.

Love,
Me.


P.S. If you're a Jedi, that's cool too :)

I just got reminded

That nothing, NOTHING lasts forever.

Neither will this.

So I've just got to keep calm and carry on until it passes.

I yike that advice on the forreal.

You guys remember that too okay?

Goodnight. Sweet Dreams :)

Why am I so awkward?

I really should just stop talking and let the chips fall where they may.

I just hate keeping all of this inside my head, and I can't tell anyone obviously..well not in person at least.

No one reads this that would make me worried about the fact they read it...so I'm safe there.

This is my new safespace.

Word.

I'd be sillt to say I didn't miss you.

I just REALLY wish I could say otherwise.

I've never felt a more pointless emotion.

It's ridiculous.

..but isn't it funny..? I see you everyday and yet I miss you?

ithinkweshouldbefreennss.

itsbeentoolong.

butwhatevers

kaybye.

My frenns are in love

And it's such a wonderful thing to see. Just to be around it makes me happy.

Don't worry, I have more of a realistic view now...but still.

I can't wait to say "I love you" and never doubt for a second that the other person loves me too. (:

Hopeless romantic..no worries. I'll get over it.


However, one of my friends love is unrequitted. It's quite sad because he deserves love the most.

I wish it was as simple as I love you, you love me. Remember the Barney song? That's how it should be.

But I guess you gotta go through unrequitted love, lost love, forgotten love, love that has dimmed, you gotta go through all of that so that the moment you have that "THIS is what I've been looking for" love..everything else makes sense.  You realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

Hmmm.

Becoming Memories

That's my senior play and it is so beautiful. I cry about 5 times throughout the show. It's just amazing to think what time does to people individually and in their relationships. What drives man to be so possessive? What causes a man to "love everyone in the whole world" but the one person who deserves his love the most? How can a man be so broken that he would agree to marry his late wifes sister, knowing full well he won't ever truly love her? How can a woman feel so neglected that she prays to God he will simply lust after her? What causes a woman to devout her life completely to God and ministering. What drives a man to promise that he'll return? A woman to defy her parents and at least agree to take a big enough risk that could cost her her life?

As strange as it seems all of these things occur because each person has so much love for their significant other that COULD be destructive, like what is shown in most of these stories. OR it can be one of the strongest ties a person can have with someone else, something that keeps growing and gets better with age. Like an old wine. That just so happens to be my family...Ida and Henry are two of the most beautiful people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing..and well simply becoming. Ida's ability to just give and love so freely and openly..the trust she has in the fact that Hemry will come back is breathtaking. The same goes for Henry...He doesn't have to stay and risk all thy he does for her, he didn't have tontrust that shed wait for him,he didn't even have to come back. Yet he did. Something about that just resonates within me so deeply. To love someone unconditionally. Ida's a person I could only hope to grow to be. We have the ability to love freely and give freely in common, in fact that's maybe where I go wrong sometimes.

I do love for a brief moment I'm able to be that kind of person. The kind deserving of love. The kind that has found someone worthy of her love. The kind that says no matter what we're working this out. We're getting through whatever comes our way because I love you. I love us.
"Maybe that's a case of my wishful thinking" it's gonna happen. :) but honestly Ida has changed me. Everytime I learn something about her, I learn something about myself. I couldn't be happier. I really am becoming better. All of this will become a memory, but it will never be one that I want to throw away.

And honestly as hard as it is... I'm really happy with who is playing Henry. At least we get to pretend. That's just the business we're in anyways :) who knows what's to come?

Anyways, it's a beautiful story. All of it. I'm really happy.

So this came on shuffle....

Did you forget
That I was even alive
Did you forget
Everything we ever had
Did you forget
Did you forget
About me

Did you regret
Ever standing by my side
Did you forget
What we were feeling inside
Now I'm left to forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

So now I guess
This is where we have to stand
Did you regret
Ever holding my hand
Never again
Please don't forget
Don't forget

We had it all
We were just about to fall
Even more in love
Than we were before
I won't forget
I won't forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
At all

And at last
All the pictures have been burned
And all the past
Is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forget
I won't forget us

But somewhere we went wrong
Our love is like a song
But you won't sing along
You've forgotten
About us


..... you know when you hear a song and your mind takes you to a Place you maybe don't want to go? Especially after having such a great weekend..? Well this song did that for me. I can't help but wonder if he really forgot. If the evil just triumphed so greatly that he can't even remember .

Then there's the awkward moment you realize how much you actually did need someone, and then realize what does it matter now..it's not like particularly care if you wish you could count on them.

Josh is right...I can't do this on my own.. But maybe I have to. Maybe it's the only way I'll get stringer and be better for the next, you know?

Honestly? I just hate feeling weak,hopeless and defenseless.

But I need to let it all go. He can forget it's okay. I'll remember.

I suck guys I know. Sorry you had to see this...if you even saw it.

ANYWAY I'm going to bed.

I'll have pathetic dreams.

Sweet dreams to you guys :)

I don't mean...

To make this about Adam but it's super late and I usually think about shtuff this late and I found my old journal and it's hilarious. The first page I opened to was all about this dream I had last year. Hahahah. I was so mad that he called me AGAIN the next night cause I said it wa his voice that made me dream about him. Crazy, I tell ya.

This book is interesting. I'm writing of two different things and people in my life..it's clearly written which way I should have gone, but even I couldn't see it. Oh well. It's funny how easily swayed by words I am though. I never needed actions. I mean, I do now...but..it's just funny to look at where I was a year ago and see where I am now.

Maybe I shouldn't read this...I found an entry from the day he decided to forgive me and try to be my friend...I was pretty excited apparently, but then it turned into the little things I missed. That happens when you spend time with someone I suppose. You realize how crazy you were to let them go. Hmmm.

Now it's how we were really going to try again and how hard it was going to be but "that's okay cause it's worth it. He's worth it. We can do it, I just know it." It's funny how sure I was. Then it jumps ahead a few months and it talks about how he's gone because I was too insecure. Isn't life funny? I go from Being elated that I'm just able to say hello, to having no clue what to do. Deep down I believe I did know, but hey what can you do?

Things haven't changed much. I have to laugh at the universe though. It seems no matter how hard we try to push one another away the universe decides to put us in situations together. I just hope I'm doing the right thing by ignoring what apparently is so obvious to everyone else but me. Hahaha.

Oh dear. Anyways, I'm sorry this is a stupid post. Not even worth reading. If you did okay cool. If not, okay cool. If you happen to know Adam...he doesn't need to know this is here cool? Cool.

I bought a new journal..so don't worry these thoughts won't be public anymore. We can all just relax. "aye it's gonna be okay. Hey we're gonna laugh at this one day"

Who knows.

Anyway, going to sleep now. I get to see STARSHIP tomorrow. I'm pretty excited.

Goodnight.

I'm freaking out...

Where the hell do I want to go to school??
Do I want to live in New York or Chicago??

This is the next stage of life and I just...

I'm scared.

I need a friend