So..he'd open up to me if he didn't think he'd get shot down again, and he can't do that again? So basically he won't risk it again because he believes the same thing is going to happen. No matter what I say I can't convince him otherwise. I mean honestly, the biggest issue isn't even there anymore. Everything else I personally had wrong with me, I'm working on. I'm not going to be perfect. I'll probably still think he could do better, and I'll probably still be stuck doing things backwards because of random fear..but ironically..he was the only boy I've ever met that said "If you want to rearrange the bases, fuck it. We'll do it" He was okay with those parts of me. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I feel like such a stupid girl.
But people keep asking me why I won't go talk to him and be open with him and well..honestly kinda the same reason he won't. Only mine is I don't want to give him the opportunity to hurt me. I don't want to open up to him, only to have him pretend that everything is okay and then some twisted joke happens where he just did it so he can hurt me. Not that he would..but still..that's what my biggest fear is. It's not his default that scares me or even being around him. It's just this moment right there. Having him know everything I should have told him that night. Blergh. That's why I just sit here and write late at night.
Not that anyone cares to know these things. I just. I'm gonna shut up now.
I'm sorry.
It's a place where I share my thoughts. Nothing is held back. I live to love and love to live. Don't be surprised.
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