Also, I'm pretty disappointed.

I'm upset because I'm going on 12 days now without a single word from Garrett. Which isn't normal. I would be fine if I ever received so much as a "Hey, thanks for coming out to see me! That was really cool"

But no. He's dropped off the face of the Earth. I ALSO understand if you're busy. But it takes two seconds to say thank you.

I've resulted to asking if we were still friends since now I feel the trip may have been a bad idea.

No response as of yet. 

Like, if you're mad at me dude, just talk to me. It's not difficult...we're supposed to be "more than" best friends..so you can open up to me.

Although, I don't really know what he could be mad at me for.

This just sucks because it's like I love you, but I can't be IN love with you anymore..so if you're mad at me for why I think you are.

I'm calling bullshit. That's not fair.

I Went To Canada:

I haven't posted to this blog in ages, but considering I just went to Canada to visit none other than Garrett..It seems appropriate to write about my time on this blog. This blog holds majority of our history together. Well, the bits I felt fit to share are here.

So, I'll tell you about my trip.

After FFFOOOUUURRR years I found myself touching down in Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada and stepping into an airport to see Garrett standing there. I guess I should've noticed his girlfriend next to him a lot sooner than I actually did.. but really I couldn't believe I was just a mere meters away from him. Now, I'm not saying any of that because I'm still pining away for him, or jealous of his girlfriend (all of which are options people have given to me) I'm saying it because of exactly what it is. You're finally standing in front of someone you know without a doubt means the absolute world to you after four years...you're not gonna notice much of anything else. 

Anways: I'm going to assume he was just as nervous as I was, because our hello hug was pretty half-assed compared to our goodbye hug. I couldn't process at all what was happening. His girlfriend drove us back to her place and I got settled in. He then made me eat a chocolate bar that we don't have in the states and try these chips called Ketchup Chips. Those were quite interesting to say the least haha. So my first dinner consisted of Chips and Chocolate. Woo Hoo! 

The next day was probably the worst day for me. 
It appeared to be the only time he would speak to me outside of "What do you want to do?" "What do you want to eat?" Was when she wasn't around. Which, again I sort of understood. So we went off on a walking tour of Fredericton  and that was a blast in a half honestly. I love learning about the history of places.

Later that night we went to a cookout some of their friends were having..and that's when things were uncomfortable. The only person who actually tried to include me was the other guy. So when we got home I called Quillan and basically just cried and wanted to go home. I didn't feel wanted. I vowed tomorrow would be the better day and it was!

We went tubing down a river with some friends of theirs. Luckily it wasn't just couples, and few of the people I already knew. I'm really surprised I went tubing. I don't like water other than pools haha but this river was really clear and it was all so beautiful. Except for when we hit rocks, that hurt a bit. However, I added a new member to my life team because he practically lifted me in my tube over a rock that was sure to kill me. And he gave me a peanut butter sandwhich so that was really nice.

The rest of the time was spent having good food, laughs and drinks. I finally had a chance to talk to Garrett..well, more like I talked and he listened. As per usual, so I'm not really sure how what I said effected him. I saw a minimal change, but it was enough. 

His friend Jamie came into town Friday and we all had a preparty before going out to the bars that night. I had a super night, I let go of all of my frustrations and drank and danced the night away, including some dancing with a very handsome boy. We all pretty much chilled until my last full day there which was Monday.

Monday we did this really cool thing called "TreeGo" which was obstacle courses and ziplining through a forest. I wasn't too great at it at first, but I got the hang out it. Later we all went to a bonfire at a park and I felt really comfortable and at ease. Probably because I was able to tap into my child state of being haha.

Later, when we got back to the house I chose to stay with the other two guys we were hanging out with. It was about 10:30 and they were going to go home to sleep. It was my last night and I didn't want to waste any of it by sleeping...or sitting up alone, which is what I would've done.

I can't let his actions determine the trip though. I really did have an amazing time and still cannot believe it happened. I'll try to find some good photos to post for you :)

ehfiuhfiohfio

No Psych teacher from high school just emailed me his phone number so we can get coffee and catch up sometime.

The high school me that had such a big crush on him is freaking out.

My secrets are safer here...

Usually, I'd use Tumblr to blog thoughts, but that has been compromised by ex boyfriends and nosey bitches. Since the only person that checks this doesn't even do it often...AND he's one of the few people I'd trust with my life.

I've decided to redirect my life in the relationship wise and just person wise. HOWEVER, as far as changing my personality, I'm not going to do too much to that. I need to find someone that's going to want me for me. Warts and All so to speak. I'm ready to start dating again, I believe. Not necessarily a relationship, but I wouldn't mind the fun, beginnings. The dates, flirting, constant talking, learning. That's always so exciting. AND if nothing comes of it, no hard feelings! I get a friend out of it.

The guy I assumed would be the easiest to going back to being friends with however, has been such a tool. Honestly, I am so disappointed in him.  I guess that's what I get for having such high expectations of him, just as he had of me. But really...am I that difficult to even want to stay FRIENDS with? Shit dude. I don't even really miss him, I don't think. I feel it's just the physical closeness between two people. I miss holding hands, kissing, sex. I just need   want to just be close to someone. BUT I'm picky about that too..so that's a bit of an issue. I want to feel wanted, and give want back. Even if it's just for a small, false amount of time...which is why this usually works best with a close friend. BUT he's being a tool.

Meh. I just want a boy to tell me I'm pretty when we cuddle. It sounds so shallow..BUT it's merely a want. Not a need. I'm stronger than that and I don't, nor will I ever, need a man to feel validated. A lot of that has to do with this girl Alice Stokes Paul I researched. She's SUCH a badass..She fought all through the end of the 2oth century for Women's Rights. A HUGE civil rights activist for Gender Equality. She makes me want to create a cause to fight for. I'm a huge supporter of Invisible Children and Human Trafficking, I think I want to start my own organization for either one of these places. OR finding things that can send clean water to third world countries. I just want to DO something important with my life. Acting isn't as important as making a difference. However, as an actor I'll be able to use my voice, income and connections to help it. I just want to leave this world different than it was when I got here. I want my children to be proud of me and the legacy I left behind.


Anyways, I think that's all for now. I've got some homework to get to.

sometimesIthinkImbetteroffhadIstayedinlovewithhewhowontbenamed.